A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I think I may be trauma bonded to my ex and I am trying to get the heck over myself. How do I do this? This was a relationship that grew out of the pandemic and still feels so big to me. Everything I experienced in this was on another level. I want to move on and have already begun remembering my old joys and interests. I also have gotten back on the horse talking to sweet interesting men and reaching out to all the humans in general. It is refreshing talking to adults that are actually interested in listening to my thoughts...like a real exchange of ideas and not just talking about a relationship. That said, I backslid on Valentine's Day and visited my ex after telling them I didn't think it was a good idea, but I still had some hope in my heart that somehow it could be a good thing. It was not. LOL I am nervous to miss the red flags I literally ignored from day one, but I also want to not bring any icky fears to the next possible partner. I don't even want to talk about this relationship with anyone because I feel like I am bashing or something. When I share bits and pieces of the experience I feel guilty of the support I get (mainly the feeling of relief that other folks do not think I am crazy for feeling this was all wrong), the shame of my own participation in the direction this went, and the vibe of talking about it feels toxic. I also feel ashamed of accepting all of this when I always strongly opposed this type of behavior towards my friends and people in general. I am glad I have a place here though. I just have to get this out. I am afraid of traumatizing my friends and new folks in my life with the stories. My friends know I am keeping some big stuff from them and it makes them sad I am going through something alone. But I feel like it is gossipy and toxic sharing.Also, it hurts and I am ashamed I allowed this person to ignore and break my boundaries, without me leaving, over and over again from the beginning (so many little breaks, but one that was a physical break that literally stole from my soul without permission). I thought they were vulnerable, that the world had been unfair to them. That they were making mistakes because of the passion and love they said they felt for me. I thought they had a different brain, but the quiet breaking started very shortly after the most crazy intense courting effort (almost like a fairy tale). Even the beginning of our "exclusivity" was an ultimatum I caved to before even meeting them in person. I wanted them to feel safe while we explored our feelings for each other. They had been through so much. Geez I feel like a dope. Eventually the breaking was scary and then there were promises of the greatest love and a future that would be better if we were married. I have never accepted behavior like this and have never been treated like this in my life. This tornado of a relationship has left me sooooo confused. I feel a little lost without the drama. What the weird-ass codependent heck is that in my head? It has been a month of true break up, but no contact only 10 days or so (we have broken up a million times before and I escaped back to my home, but it never stuck until now). This time I refused to get back with them exclusively, at least that is what I told them, even though I couldn't bear seeing someone else). This time I also stopped allowing myself to get sucked into their conversation loops that always led to me trying to defend myself and reassure them, while they got crazier and crazier in tone. I finally sensed a trap in that they hinted at boundaries they wanted to break wrapped into the condition of us being exclusive again. I will not cave again, but I am scared of myself right now. The beginning of every break up, I was so excited to be free (the feeling comes and goes even now). However, I still sometimes wake with an anxiety, like something bad is going to happen. Then I sometimes feel fomo LOL. I did have such strong feelings for this person, but there was no sweetness or preciousness or cuddles or real kindness or safety. It was always a show for the "public", but then they would accuse me of wanting attention, when I have a condition where I can't even see folks around me, unless they are my person or in my face physically. Not to mention, I am actually an extroverted introvert and do not like too much over the top attention LOLOLOL. UGH It can't be true love that I feel. I thought their behavior was because they couldn't handle the strong feelings they had for me. In the end, I felt bought and allowed them to completely upend my life and became very dependent on them for a time (there were tiny anchors in my life I did not let them take though heheheh...I was saved by geography, my ties to my loved ones, the separation I kept between this relationship and some parts of my life. The validation of being able to have healthy relationships with my ex-husband and a few very special long time friends. I refused them to push me off of social media and refused to give up my house)(all things they tried to subtly wrap into us getting back together). I knew, on a level I was not willing to look at, what was happening. This continued until I slowly started stealing myself back and refusing their ultimatums, basically daring them to leave me LOL. Then the push of them accusing me of cheating/never loving them/never being "all in"/that I would never find someone who loved me like them/that I was unworthy to be loved by someone of their quality and substance/that they "knew what they were getting into" by being in a relationship with me and then the last weeks the most horrible emails/texts and then finally threats (lame and, don't worry, the threats were horrible but definitely checks that creature could never cash). I still am not back to the wholesome place I was, afraid of their voice I hear in my head, but feel safer somehow though. The feeling connected to them was like a mix of shame for accepting this and excitement and some kind of hit to my pride and something I thought was a love so big I could accept anything, forgive anything, was likely not really love at all. Maybe even some part of me thought I was being saved LOL. I told myself that gift giving was how they showed love, and the bad behavior was their vulnerability, but later they began taking back the gifts LOL and criticizing me for being an expense. So embarrassing. I am embarrassed to have gotten into a loop like that. Often times money was the apology for bad behavior and part of a way to get me to do what they wanted and I caved to that. I have had to refuse gifts that were just too big to accept. Our relationship began to feel more blackmaily and transactional. He cared so much about looks and expensive "things" and names. He said he liked how that stuff didn't really matter to me in the beginning and then proceeded to try and change my thoughts on that LOL. Seeing these thoughts in black and white is therapy. UGH I feel so stupid.I do not want to be angry, but maybe I need to be. I am confused and scared I may have trouble keeping the no contact in place, if they manage to get around my blockade LOL. I embarrassed myself on trying to fight them on their level at some points. How could I have mistaken love for all of this. I thought they were just "different", but like maybe on the spectrum. I am not neurotypical myself. I feel like I can love anything that comes with my person. I tried to prove that, I think. LOL This has left me confused, anxious, and just in some kind of vacuum, almost physically ill. I am nervous to recover all of myself back and stop focusing on this, trying to understand what the heck happened here and how I could have been such a participant to such an toxic situation. I feel like I need to wash my soul of the icky residue.I do not want to repeat history. I am afraid I am broken now though.I need tools to move on, move forward, smile more again and stop reflecting on this experience. I don't want this toxic drama to be my main event much longer.Whoa, unpacking all this here and I feel like taking a deep shaky breath of relief. Thank you for listening, whoever you are. *hugs*
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2022):
 Sounds like that person likes to play games with people. Mid-fu@k games.
You got PUNISHED with the "silent treatment" for not saying "I love you " back on demand. You didn't "play" the game. Because you didn't know it was a game.
It's OK to feel like you got caught up in something that you WANTED to be real and good only to find out it isn't.
At least you are recognizing the many red flags, hopefully, that will help you see them faster or avoid them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question!!!Everything you guys are saying makes so much sense. I immediately privated my IG. I feel like my experience is a cautionary tale. I think part of the reason I ignored the early red flags was because I kept trying to prove I was able to be "all in" as they put it. They accused me of being a serial dater. I wasn't, but felt all sorts of ways about proving to them I was a good person and dedicated to doing my part to make this relationship successful.The very first week of meeting them they professed their love for me. That they KNEW me, my eyes, that I was very likely their soul mate. We spent an unimaginable amount of time allowing them to vent about their ex spouse and all the exes that had cheated on them and abused them and competed with them and put them down and about their painful childhood and challenges in being who they were. How different they were. (to be honest we had that same conversation this entire nearly two years). They told me they loved me in the first week, then sort of apologized for me not saying it back. They explained to me they always want to never not say "I love you" because it might be the last chance they have to say it to someone they loved. I tried to explain to them I cared for them but still needed time to process my feeling. However they ghosted me after that for over a week, maybe two LOL. I thought they were just embarrassed for sharing so much and for being vulnerable and saying that they loved me. I just figured they had a crush, but were overwhelmed with crushing so fast.Then a very thoughtful gift came in the mail. No card, nothing. It was something I actually needed and something they sold. They weren't responding to my thank you texts, so I sent them a thank you card, that included an open offer for them to reach out if they ever felt like it.Eventually they reached out again. Apparently the date I had put on the card was a significant one and they felt it was a sign. And so it began in earnest.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 February 2022):
 When you are eventually truly over this guy, you will come out the other end a much stronger and wiser person. You fell for him badly. You now understand how manipulative people can be. Equally you understand how someone can get sucked into a relationship like this.
The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for falling for this individual. Don't beat yourself up. Simply learn your lesson and move on. I believe the universe sends people into our lives to teach us lessons. If we don't learn the lesson, that person (or someone very similar) will be sent into our life again, until such time as we learn the lesson properly. You fear you will weaken and go back but you already know NOTHING will change. You wouldn't read a book for a second time and expect a different ending so why would you go back to someone who you know is wrong for you and expect things to be different?
Stay strong. This too will pass and you will be all the stronger and wiser for the pain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question!!!Everything you say makes so much sense. I immediately privated my IG.I think part of the reason I ignored the early red flags was because I kept trying to prove I was able to be "all in" as they put it. They accused me of being a serial dater. I wasn't, but felt all sorts of ways about proving to them I was a good person.The very first week of meeting them they professed their love for me. That they KNEW me, my eyes, that I was very likely their soul mate. We spent an ungodly amount of time allowing them to vent about their ex spouse and all the exes that had cheated on them and abused them and competed with them and put them down and about their painful childhood and challenges in being who they were. How different they were.They told me they loved me in the first week, then sort of apologized for me not saying it back. They explained to me they always want to never not say "I love you" because it might be the last chance they have to say it to someone they loved. I tried to explain to them I cared for them but still needed time to process my feeling. Folks have a tendency to share their hurts and feelings and secrets with me, so I just sort of let them.However they ghosted me after that LOL. I thought they were just embarrassed for sharing so much and for being vulnerable and saying that they loved me. I just figured they had a crush, but were overwhelmed with crushing so fast.Then a very thoughtful gift came in the mail. No card, nothing. It was something I actually needed and something they sold. They weren't responding to my thank you texts, so I sent them a card.Eventually they reached out again. Apparently the date I had put on the card was a significant one and they felt it was a sign. And so it began in earnest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2022):
Gongrats on getting away from that person.
How to move on?
Well, for one KEEP the No Contact 100%. Perhaps even get a new phone number, lock down your social media to private, so that only people YOU are friends with can see it. If he met ANY of your family and friends, DO let them know that it is over and it wasn't a healthy relationship, how much you want to tell them is up to you. But I would tell them that much, so they KNOW not to engage IF he tries to contact them when he no longer can get you to engage with him.
You probably will never fully understand what went on, accept that. Because you only scratched the surface of this other person.
My advice?
Learn as much as you can from this as you can.
" the warning signs".
You got love-bombed to the max in the beginning.
You got a tale of the "hardest woe in the WorldTM".
You got a set of "rules" that you didn't agree to, almost of the bat.
All of these are HUGE RED RED flags.
Lovebombing is often used to "lure" in someone who can be willing to turn a blindside to bullshit. Because they want to be loved so badly. It's not REAL. It's not love. Or even affection. It's a manipulation tactic. And the level of "crazy love" they project is not maintainable. It's burst to get the other person (you in this case) thinking that they realllly like, maybe even love them (you).
You probably even felt it was over the top, but it didn't make you pull away. (something you might want to take some time thinking on WHY you didn't. Why didn't you say, this is too much, this is fake?). Who knows?
Then we get to the "tallest tale of WoeTM" - They want the other person (you) to feel compassion, to be that amazing person who would NEVER hurt the "story-teller. The caretaker and honestly.. the punching bag for what OTHER people supposedly did. And they want YOU to become their live-in therapist too.
Again, this is something to consider. That someone who has had SUCH an amount of trauma and bad experiences, CAN NOT recognize a healthy person or healthy relationship. At least not unless they have had some heavy soul searching and therapy. So if someone has one of these "tall tales of WoeTM" it's a HUGE red flag. It's a person to perhaps not get involved with romantically. For one, all the bad things that happened to them were someone else's fault. And they LIVE in this open wound. They SALT this open wound.
Then the set of rules or conditions and ultimatums. ALWAYS on their terms. Often without being negotiable or even reasonable.
Another manipulation tactic. They want to ISOLATE their new partner (you) from healthy people in your life. Because those people might point out how TOXIC they really are.
He wanted you to not talk to your ex-husband, nor your friends, and he wanted you to sell your house. ALL so you would be fully dependent on HIM.
Now this one you saw and you refused. And thank goodness for that!
Write down your experience, like a journal/diary. Just for you. Revisit it if you start doubting that leaving that mess was a mistake or if you think of contacting that person.
And then TAKE responsibility for your part. IT IS NOT your fault that that person is a wackadoodle! OK?!
But it IS your fault that the relationship lasted as long as it did, and affected you so deeply. Because you SAW the red flags and ignored them.
(which we all do, from time to time) so no shame there.
Think of this as a last piece of advice, YOU walked away. YOU recognized that this is not good. YOU put your foot down. YOU did that. And then you started to work on getting back to YOU. You will get there.
That relationship will be an "embarrassing memory" at some point. A "WTF was I thinking!?!" Nothing more. It was a mistake. WE all make those.
Time to shrug it off. Recognize the red flag. Have firm boundaries. Let it go. Move on. Life is too short to let this relationship "define" you.
Chin up, and keep venting here if you need to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2022): You're not broken. You're actually quite lucid and intelligent.I think the real definition of broken is if you're out there selling your booty because some guy has convinced you he loves you so much that it's good for both of you and at the same time threatens and beats the shut out of you if you refuse.You don't need to go back to his warped rollercoaster if you don't want to.You are still you and you will survive without self loathing of possible.Remember my definition of broken because it may help to rid you of someone who you felt was stripping you of your personality and dignity.Don't look down on yourself for having the grace to move on!
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