A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with this guy for 5 months now, he is 32 and I am 25. We first met over tinder (yikes I know), we had a couple first dates it was lovely, he is funny and kind. It wasn't until the third date we slept together and since then we just hit it off, developing into a relationship. He lives an hour away from me and due to his job being on call a lot of the time I made majority of the effort travelling to see him which I don't mind. However, over the last 3-4 weeks I have been feeling a bit off, I have hormone imbalances so I have gained a lot of weight so I have felt unhappy in myself, mood swings etc which he is aware of and we have spoken about. My work colleagues and family have noticed and mentioned that I don't seem myself anymore and I should be at my happiest times but I don't. I miss going to the gym but I can't seem to fit it all around in my work life and relationship. Friends and family advise me that I should put myself first before anyone else.I feel like we have both become very comfortable with each other (which is to be expected) and we are starting to finally know each other a lot more now, I have now started to pick up on his bad habits, he can be a bit of a slob (wears the same clothes, farts a lot and eats like a pig, immature at times) which puts me off a little bit but I feel like I can't say anything as I am not a mean person. I feel like sometimes the age difference plays a role on our relationship as I like to have fun, go out, I want to travel and explore where as he has done that already. Whenever we are together he always falls asleep early, we go to the same places and it has become very boring for me. I wouldn't say he is a verbally affectionate person although he can be cuddly at times. We was having sex 2-3 times a day to once, and usually now I tend to sleep in the spare room as I find it difficult sleeping over someone else's house and I know I can get a good night sleep on my own. I was once in a emotionally abusive relationship a couple years ago, I felt so trapped and guilty for leaving. This relationship is not the same but I am starting to feel guilty for IF I want to leave as it has been stewing on my mind for a while, I am young and I can't focus on making myself healthy and happy in this type of relationship. I care for the man, I do like him a lot and we have great sex and we can have fun at times but I am just thinking this isn't for the long run. How do I approach this without being so hurtful please?
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emotionally abusive, immature, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2022): Sooner you leave the easier it will be, for both of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2022): Gosh, I wish we could edit our posts!
Sorry, typo correction:
"[The] longer you drag it on, the harder it gets."
P.S.
People who need emotional-healing and recovery-time often jump back into dating too soon; because they can't deal with loneliness. Independence is part of the maturing process. You don't always need someone to cling to!
You need to take time-off from dating, and get your feelings sorted. If the abuse caused psychological-trauma, you may need some light counseling and therapy for mental-health sake. You'll make bad-choices and repeat past mistakes when you're not on your best game while dating.
You can survive without having a boyfriend for a while. You shouldn't be too quick to hookup with guys; if you find yourself getting emotionally-attached to guys because you had sex. It means you need sex to be meaningful, not just to get your rocks off. You're playing out of your league, if you're trying the "casual-sex" gig; but you're not that type of player. Some women form emotional-dependency on guys who show them attention; but fear an attention-deficit or a void if they let him go.
It means you're rebounding, and your feelings may turn on a dime; and some people don't like being toyed with. If you have some issues you need to work-on; you'd do better working on yourself, while you're single and alone. He shouldn't have to deal with your flakiness, or flashbacks from past abusive-relationships. If you didn't get-over the abuse in your past-relationship completely after two years, you probably need counseling. Being in another relationship isn't how you cure yourself of one that damaged you. You don't use people as an emotional band-aid, or to help you to forget your pain from the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2022): If you're not getting anything out of an ongoing romantic-connection, and you can't imagine it evolving to the next level; weigh your pros and cons, and be honest. It's wasting his time, while you pretend to want to be there. There is always a possibility you'll hurt feelings or won't get a favorable reaction to letting someone down.
They longer you drag it on, the harder it gets. Until you're stuck pretending and loathing his every breath!
Dating is about finding a good match. They are trial-runs for partners. Which means you'll find some that are long-term, some that are short-term, and some that you won't know what you were thinking.
My dad used to joke and say "nothing hard is ever easy." It's early-on, you haven't been together that long; and Tinder is most popularly known as a site for making hookups. You can't be overly-sensitive or clingy, if you like Tinder dating. Just because you've boinked somebody a couple of times doesn't mean you're locked into a committed-relationship. He was a great date, but now you want something more serious; but he's not it.
Hopefully, your rejection won't unmake him a nice-guy or devastate him. He'll be somebody else's nice-guy, just not yours!
Are you afraid that his nice-guy image is fake? That underneath he's really some kind of creepy demonic-stalker, who doesn't take rejection very well? You might unleash something scary? Be that the case, you shouldn't date. That's always a risk.
If you came out of an abusive-relationship, why of all sites did you choose Tinder?
It's leading him on, if you keep him around while your flame has gone-out.
Playing people along is more likely to get an unhappy-response; then just politely cutting it loose, when it's still sort of dateable, but not too serious.
You don't have to be nasty about it, just be honest. He may surprise you with how nonchalant or unsurprised he might be; because most people who choose Tinder aren't there looking for long-term relationships or marriage proposals.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2022): How it is wrong to go off someone or end a so called relationship? You do know that five months is hardly a relationship anyway??? There will be loads of guys who come along and are ok for a bit and then wear thing, whether it is their habits, their attitude, the travelling, how they spend their time does not matter. You have every right to decide you would rather not bother, and you don't need to explain it to them. Many people go wrong by explaining why they are ending it. Then the other person says ah but, but, this is wrong, I will change, I will be different etc. And then you will feel obliged to stay with him, which is ridiculous. You put yourself first and don't listen to any silly promises about changing. People never change, they might make an effort for a bit and then they slip back to the real them. They should not have to change, there is someone out there for him who likes him as he is. Do not stay friends, that is just an excuse to stay together under a different label.Good luck with your health, I am going through a similar problem to you, luckily I have the support of a very kind loving partner, but without him I would prefer to be alone than be constantly irritated by the wrong one. I would advise you to do a lot of research into your problem, it is a vast subject, the more you understand and know about it the better. It helps you to make the best decisions. i.e. hrt has side effects and can cause other problems, it depends on which sort, the same can be the case with natural ones. Remember that doctors are very busy and often do not have time to explain it all at length, and it is your decision and your body not theirs.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 February 2022):
 This relationship is still very much in the early stages so i would not feel bad about the thoughts and feelings that you are having.
Reading your post i feel that there are more negatives than positives in this relationship and these negatives are starting to gradually wear you down.
At the end of the day your health and happiness are the most important thing. Life is to short to spend it with someone who does not make us happy.
I think that sometimes in life we have to be cruel to be kind, you need to step up and be brutally honest with him and tell him this is not working and end things.
As Honeypie says, don't agree to be friends with him, this never works. Finish it with him, move on and get yourself back to the healthier and happier you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2022): That's totally fine! Just tell him that it's not working out and wish him well. There will always be a certain amount of hurt when anyone breaks up... You can't do anything about it. What you *can* do is, don't drag it out any longer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 February 2022):
 OP, it's TOTALLY OK to decide, this is not the right person for me.
He CAN be a nice person and not be "your" person longterm.
My advice? Let him know that you can't continue the relationship because you need to focus on your health.
Or you tell him that you really like him but don't see the two of you as being compatible for anything long term.
IT IS OK!
It's "only" 5 months in.
Your health and well-being are WAY more important.
He might not LIKE it, but that doesn't really matter in the end. Staying because you don't want to hurt his feelings is more hurtful than ripping off the band-aid and being honest with him.
The whole point of dating is to see if you are compatible. You now know that you are NOT. And that is OK.
I'd also suggest you date someone closer to your own age with some of the same values, wishes (such as travel and going out). A guy at 32 might be ready to settle down, whereas you at 25 might not be, and that is OK.
Again, THIS is why people date.
Wish him well and make sure to go no contact after. Do NOT agree to stay "friends" or whatnot, it's just not a good idea.
And then you FOCUS on getting back to a happier and healthier you.
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