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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Next May I am getting married. Sadly with all weddings come stress. My parents are divorced and have been since I was 2. I had no contact with my father till I was 16 (he abandoned us and never tried to get in contact). My mother is walking me down the aisle. She and I are very close and she raised me. The issue I am struggling with right now is the Father-Daughter Dance. I'm 21 now and have had on and off again contact with my father since I was 16. I feel I am snubbing him in a way by not letting him walk me down the aisle as is traditional but I'd rather my mom walk me down anyway. I would like to do the Father-Daughter Dance but feel my mother is struggling with it. She would prefer me not to have any contact with my father (For good reasons) and was very upset when I told her I was inviting him to the wedding. We finally got past that. I mentioned at one point wanting to have a Mother-Daughter Dance with her and a Father-Daughter dance with him. She said there was no point in the Mother-Daughter Dance if I wanted one with him. I haven't brought it up since. I never thought I'd have the opportunity to have a F-D dance as I didn't have a dad for so long. Now that I have the chance I'd like to have one. Any suggestions on how to begin this conversation with my mother without her getting upset/mad. Also any suggestions on an appropriate F-D song would be helpful. I don't want any song about how Dad raised me or anything to do with memories. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar- I love your idea of an instrumental song! For some reason that hadn't occurred to me. Thanks so much! As for my mother yes she had a father growing up but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't see the correlation to her great dad who raised her to my dad who didn't. Danielepew- I think they will stay civil. I'm taking precautions at the reception by sitting them far apart. So they shouldn't come into contact. Blonde30's- Thanks for your input.Male Reader- No my moms not misled me about my dad. I know her comments about the mother daughter dance being pointless is selfish and manipulative. They divorce because my dad wanted to party with pot all the time while my mom wanted a family life. My dad still does pot. He's very unreliable (why I know I've not been mislead. He didn't seek me out. I found out through my half-sister (who contacted me by Myspace) that my dad was dating a the mother of a boy who was in my highschool grade. He'd known about me for almost a year and where I was but didn't contact me. My dad did cheat on my mother when they were together. I know my mom is definitely mad at my dad for the past but also because of the current things he's done to me. My mother was very supportive of my dad being in my life when we first got into contact when I was 16. He came over to my house all the time and we played bored games. After a few weeks of this his girlfriend got mad that he was spending so much time with me instead of her kids. After that my dad stopped spending time with me. It blew up on my 17th birthday. I had a birthday party at my house (my dad lived a block away with his girlfriend ironic isn't it?)but he didn't show up or call for almost a year. I think the next time I talked to him I was almost 18. Then again he suddenly stopped calling and I didn't talk to him again till I was in college. As of last December we've been in pretty good contact. He invited me over to his house for Christmas and I spent some time with him and his girlfriends family. My mother is angry at his treatment towards me. She feels that I shouldn't put up with his "Scraps of attention" as she says. My mother is jealous and can be selfish and childish alot of the time but she also doesn't want me to get hurt and knows how much he's hurt me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Have you considered perhaps your mother has misled you out of anger towards your father? Her statement regarding a mother daughter dance being pointless if you chose to dance with your dad is honestly very manipulative and in my opinion, wrong. It is wrong for her to put you in a position where you have to feel guilty and choose sides. Thats a little selfish. I'm also curious why they divorced? How did you finally come into contact? Did your father seek you out? I just think, from you said, your mother needs to stop guilting you into alienating your father any longer. I mean, for all you know he cheated on her or something way back when they divorced and your mom never let it go. But that doesnt immediately make someone a bad dad. It could be your mother, perhaps believing she was doing nothing wrong, withheld you from him to punish him. But actually ensuring you would grow missing out. Why is she so bitter? I think you should do what you want and really give your dad a chance. You mother seriously needs to let it go. Loving one doesn't equate less love for the other. She sounds mad and wont even let it go long enough for you to enjoy YOUR WEDDING! Congrats and good luck in your new life.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Difficult situation. I think your mother is upset because you invited him, but will tolerate his presence.
Now, make sure your father will also understand if he is not the one who walks you down the aisle. He may believe he will. You have to get both sides duly informed.
Are you sure they will stay civil during the ceremony?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Have an open and frank discussion with your mum about it. Did she have a father growing up? If so, you could use that to drive the point home.
As for the song, perhaps you should consider an instrumental one. A good one is Stranger on the Shore by Acker Bilk.
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