A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. My issue I'm having is with my elderly parents. They are amazing people, I would say the kindest people I've ever met. They would give you every last penny they had if they thought it would make you happy. They are fantastic parents and brilliant grandparents to my two daughters. My eldest is 21 and a qualified nurse and my youngest is 18 and just started university training to become an English teacher. They are good girls, I've never had any problems with them and they both did excellent in school. I am so proud of them. So what's my issue? Well my parents as they have aged seen to of lost their brain to mouth filter. Rather than keeping opinions to themselves they tend to now push their opinions on to people. Especially my girls. As I said, my girls are lovely people. They have grown up so well, but in an era that is different from my parents, and mine. What's 'in fashion' now is very different to what was in fashion when I was there age. My girls are both very fashionable and like to keep up to date. My eldest worked as a make up artist for mac during her nurse training and my youngest has a part time job in topshop. As you can imagine they are always sharing fashion and make up tips with each other. Me or my mum never wore makeup, both my girls wear make up. Not over the top make up, but they do love their time together getting ready for meals out, doing each other's hair and make up. My parents have now started to get on my last nerve. They keep throwing out small insults and comments towards the girls. For example, my eldest was wearing a pair of ripped jeans. My mother came in and the first thing she said to her was 'do you want some money to buy a new pair of jeans? Those jeans your wearing look absolutely horrendous'. My daughter explained this was the fashion and she replied 'you look a mess.' My youngest daughter got her nose pierced, I can't say I was over the moon, but at 18 years old and living away she is more than capable of making her own decisions. My parents both verbally attacked her regarding it, saying she looked like cattle, it ruined her face, that she used to have such a pretty nose and now it was disgusting. They don't drop things either. My daughters nose piercing has been mentioned numerous of times, not nice comments either. If either of the girls lose/gain weight my parents will comment on this and give them their opinion on it. My eldest booked to go away with her boyfriend of 5 years and when she told my parents there response was 'you need to learn how to be more responsible with money and stop wasting it'. She's going away for two nights to London. Hardly a large expensive. They have now stopped making these comments in front of me after I told them one of their comments about my daughters make up was out of order. However I know this is still happening, they still make the comments in front of my husband who has told me about them and my daughters have also told me what they have said. They have asked me to not say anything as they don't want to upset them, but I know that these comments are wearing them down as well. They used to have such a good relationship with my parents but now I find that the girls avoid them. My eldest said it was a hard balance as she wants to spend all the time she can with them as their elderly but when she's with them they wear her down, make hurtful comments and she ends up leaving resenting them. What can I do? I love my parents but I feel like I spend more time irritated by them than enjoying there company. I understand that they have the right to their own opinions but they do not need to share them with other people, especially when they are negative. They need to realise that the girls have grown up in a different era to them and that the fashion has changed. How do I bring this up? As they no longer act like this in front of me and I don't want to cause a lot of tension.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2014):
 They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks and I am afraid it's mostly true.
Intervening on your elderly parents might be a hopeless endeavour, so intervene on the girls instead. Teach them to not take their grandparents' comments too personally and too at heart, explain them that their grandparents aren't likely to develop all of a sudden a forward, adventurous fashion sense, that the older you get the more set in your ways you get, and that with age, some people looses their brain- to- mouth filter, as you call it. Encourage the girls to develop a thicker skin- AND patience and compassion. Part of what you mention does not only come from not being able to keep up with the new fads, more sadly it comes from the fact that the world of an elderly person is often a world that's SHRINKING. There's not much actively going on in THEIR own world, not much that's likely to change or excite them or surprise them or entertain them personally.... so they have to live by proxy, so to speak, and take more than their fair share of interest in the lifes and choices and pursuits of other people ( often their nearest and dearest ). There's more to pity than to blame if you think about it.
Then again, I am not quite sold on the " if you can't say anything nice etc ". At least not within close family, people should not feel they have to walk on eggshells all the time. Admittedly, your parents exaggerate , calling someone " disgusting " is openly an insult , not a criticism. They really should soft pedal their disapproval. But, if they don't like an outfit or an hair-do, I think the degree of intimacy ( and the good intentions ) warrant their freedom to say " I don't like at all that outfit ". But, the girls are also free to take those comments into limited account. Every choice, in life and in fashion, will have supporters and detractors, you'll get cheers and boohs for anything you choose - that's life. If you are convinced that what you chose is right for you, you won't be fazed by a non-universal enthusiasm. As a matter of fact , these litle episodes with your parents may turn out to be a good lesson for your girls in Owning Your Choices 101 : you choose something ( from a career to a husband to a nose ring ) and , if you feeel it's the right choice for you, you go on proudly and serenely on your chosen path, no matter what anybody would say.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 P.S. You can "explain" things to your parents until you are blue in the face... and they will, politely, acknowledge that they've heard you (but, NOT, listened!)....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 September 2014):
You have to accept that life is a cycle.... and your parents have graduated from the "adult" part of the cycle back to the "child" part of the cycle.... wherein they are not so guarded in their social "niceties".... and, so, they may spout out words/comments that are inappropriate.
Arm your daughters, such that they are aware that this may happen, and encourage them to "humor" your parents.. but NOT confront them (for their inappropriate comments and behaviour!).... and let life go on....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014):
I think you should focus on armying your daughters with the skills and nice witty retorts ..
Tell them to laugh it off or dress more conservative when visiting granny and grandpa .. I mean its only a biggie if you and they let it be.. These are your parents who may or not be around in the next coming years, appreciate what you have for as long as you can .. Mine are both gone and not a day passes that I don't think of them, with happiness and sadness that I can no longer speak or share the little things in life that we take for granted .
So dressing more reserved or taking out a nose clip isn't a biggie, if it means spending a few hours in harmony with them .. Compromise...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2014):
 Honestly, I think this IS very normal yet so VERY annoying. My oldest (14) had her hair dyed purple. And my Dad gave me a long lecture about how that was corrupting her... make her some kind of teen rebel. Except she is an outstanding daughter and student. Not much of a rebel at all.
Now, my Dad doesn't live near us so that make his comments less annoying.
I actually battle with my BIL and his snide remarks to my girls - like for not shaving their legs. They are 10-12-14 and don't REALLY need to worry about shaving and waxing in my opinion UNLESS THEY want to. My girls don't really seem to give a flying fart about being "popular" (unlike HIS girls were at that age) they are more focused on school work, friends and hobbies. And honestly, I'm proud that they are not being shallow and can see a person's worth for WHO they are, not what THEY wear.
I took my girls aside and told them that BIL had a whole other notion as to how a girl should be and for them to just ignore his comments. I did it THIS way because it is WAY easier then trying to change a 50 year old dude from saying stupid things. SAME goes with your parents. Just tell your girls that THIS is not really about them, it's about your parents not being willing to adapt to the changes in society and fashion. And to TAKE stuff like that with a grain of salt.
You have raised your girls to be GOOD human being. Emphasize that with your parents if their bring up petty stuff. And emphasize that with your kids.
Sometimes you wished that people would actually take heed of the saying :" If you can say something nice.... shut up!"
Don't fret.
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