| A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: A little backstory: Because of family history and other reasons, I do not drink. I don't tell others not to drink (though I may try and limit when I can tell they are going overboard). Last summer, my gf went on a trip to a foreign country. Up to that point, I did not know that she was a drinker or that she even wanted to drink. She was 22 at the time and as far as I knew, she didn't drink. Anyway, one day while she is overseas, I see pictures on facebook of her drinking (I later found out this was not the first time). This bothered me. Not because she was drinking, but because she couldn't talk to me about it first (knowing I have strong feelings about it). Anyway, we did talk about it and she told me that the drinking would be occasional and would be limited to one or two drinks. I only asked that she let me know when she got home. Well, this started off like this and it worked pretty well (other issues became involved, but nothing about the drinking). Well, lately, she has been under a great deal of stress and I have noticed that she is going out more frequently (I never went with her for a variety of reasons - work, school, girl's night, etc.). From what I begin to gather and what she told me, she was drinking to get drunk. Granted, she was not blacking out or anything, but she was definitely going to various events drunk and acting very foolish. She began to drink on nights before finals or when she had a major assignment due. Anytime I tried to bring it up with her, she would always get offended and act like I was trying to control her. Anyway, over the past week, she was dealing with finals and went out 7 time over the past week and half. From what I was told, she got very drunk and often drove herself home by claiming she was sober. Finally, she decided to invite to one her nights. I decided that I would go. Last night, we went to a bar and grill. Well, I was the only person not drinking, but I just tried to be chill and cool and have fun. However, I began to notice that my gf had several shots and a few beers. More than most people could handle. She was easily drinking the most of anyone at the table. Well, she began to get obnoxious and acting very rudely to the people at the table. She kept flashing her bra to her gay friend who came with us and wanting to grind on him. Everytime I would say something to her, I would just get a dirty look and she would breathe her beer breath in my face (knowing I can't stand the smell of beer). Finally, we got her to close her tab and we went home. She could tell that I was upset, but I just told her that we would talk about it later. I dropped her off at her apartment and went home. I was very angry with her, but moreover, I was embarrassed and appalled by her behavior. I don't mind social drinking, but I do not like being around drunk people and I do not like dating women that behave like she was. I know that we need to talk, but I'm afraid that I may blow up and regret something that I will say to her. I love her and do not want to break up over this. I don't want to control her behavior, but I feel like I need to step in and do or say something before it continues to get worse. Am I being unreasonable in my response and feelings? How can I approach this topic while not coming across like a controlling jerk? What can I say to her to get my point across in a manner that will not appear as if I am attacking her? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
bra , drunk, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 Alcohol played a role in my upbringing as well as it did for you. That might be part of the reason I seldom drink as well. Most of us find excessive drinking to be tacky and very low class.
Having said that, I'm with YouWish on this one. By making an issue of your girlfriend's drinking you ARE nagging and controlling. I don't see why she should have to inform you before or after she's had a few with her friends. The only reason I can see for insisting on it would be to give you another chance to make your disapproval known.
You have every right to be thoroughly unimpressed or embarrassed by your girlfriend's behaviour. SHE should be embarrassed by it, but obviously she isn't.
Dispense with all the rules and conditions you've placed upon it. Life is short and you have more important and rewarding things to do with your time than spend it keeping tabs (pardon the pun) on her drinking.
The next time she does this you can let her marinate. When she comes out of it and contacts you, say very little but make what you do say count. Tell her she made a fool of herself in front of everyone, you're embarrassed by her conduct and prefer to keep your distance for a while. Then leave it at that. That way you aren't controlling her. You're just setting limits for yourself.
OR you can re-examine this relationship and consider walking away. You don't get drunk and behave like an ape so why should you be associated with someone who does? We're judged by the company we keep. If she doesn't compliment your life then maybe she shouldn't be in it.
Use your own judgement on this, but I would lean toward the latter. Her conduct is just too trashy for me.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 I couldn't disagree more with janniepeg here. She is of age, and she is an adult. Telling her parents would do what actually?
This is about compatibility. Drinking is legal, and she has a right to drink as much as she wants providing she's not committing any crimes. Driving drunk is very irresponsible, and if she gets caught, she should pay the price for it.
However, for you to try to limit people when you think they're going overboard isn't your business, and it is controlling.
You have a choice here. You can either accept her and the fact that she drinks (which she has very much a legal right to!), or you can break up with her. You can't stay with her and try to get her to not drink. You either accept the drinking or you leave her. It's not your place to change her or belittle her for her choices in this matter.
I would suggest you break up. Tell her that you need to find someone whose views on alcohol match your own, and that the drinking and its associated behavior is a deal breaker for you. Trust me, there will be guys out there who won't care, will go out drinking and dancing with her, and they both will be fine. You need someone who not only abstains from drinking, but has the same kind of attitude towards it.
People forget that the purpose of dating is to get to know someone better to decide if they're either marriage material or someone they want a more permanent relationship with. You have, in the course of getting to know who she is, have discovered an incompatible trait. You cannot change this trait, and to do so *is* controlling.
Think about it this way -- say you like sports...a lot. She hates it, so in the course of dating you, she finds out that you're really into it. Rather than accept who you are, she puts you through a really hard time because of it, tries to limit your watching of it to once a week, etc. Would you consider her controlling? Of course you would! Trust me, I've heard a lot of "morally righteous" arguments denouncing sports as going overboard as well, so this isn't about "drinking is wrong". This is about whether or not you're compatible.
I don't think heavy drinking is the best way to deal with stress on this level, but again, that's her right. The only thing I'd say to her is that if she's drunk, she gets a cab or finds a friend who isn't drunk. Telling parents, telling her to reflect on her behavior is crap. She's not 15. She's an adult.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 May 2012):
 Tell her parents. She is still acting like a child and you should not be her father. Let her parents handle it. I don't care if she is of legal age. I am assuming her parents are paying for her education and her car. If I were her mom I would suspend her for one semester and take her car away. She is endangering her life and others on the road. I would make her reflect on her behavior. Keep your strong feelings to yourself as I have here. I am the same way except that I would not knowingly date any drinkers and I would have absolutely no problems breaking up with one even after I have fallen crazily in love with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, neomum  +, writes (6 May 2012):
Oh my where to start first things first your girlfriend has a drinking problem she is an alcoholic. You cannot help her she needs to help herself by admitting she has a problem with alcohol. Secondly there is help out there for her at local groups like AA, your local pharmacy can put you in touch with the right people. lastly the next time she drunk and drives home she is putting other peoples lives at risk as her boyfriend I would call the cops It might wake her up to realise she has a problem. Good luck
...............................
|
