A
female
age
36-40,
*yda
writes:My boyfriend is 29, I’m 26 and we’re been together for 2 years now and living together for 6 months.We have our disagreements and concerns or mostly I do, so recently I’ve talked with him about our life together and how he sees everything. He said he’s not ready for marriage and that he still needs time and help to grow up because he doesn’t know if it’s right to be with me and still look at women on the street or think about how it would be like to “have” them. He’s aware there are things that he has to struggle with by himself because he wants to be with me.He had a good life, many partners and relationships while I’m new at this level. He used to fight and chase after girls and it seems now that I’m for granted. We also spend pretty much all the time together - we live together, we go to work together because we work for the same company (thank god not in the same department), we go out together and he needs his time alone and space. He’s more an outgoing person, he likes to be the center of attention, to go out and have fun, while I’m more an introvert, I can have fun also on my own. I like to go out with him but I also feel good at home so he says sometimes that I’m acting like a wife although he appreciates when things go smooth around the house.I think he still wants to be a child and experience life although he doesn’t admit it while with me. He’s always chasing for things that can move him, make him feel something great.He knows how to behave and how to make me happy but I feel he’s not happy with me all the time. How can I help him grow up? Cause I know I’m trying my best and it’s not good enough. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Ayda: You wrote: "...As he put it - right now he has to chose between being faithful to me and settle down or go around in a new search for something he doesn't know how will it end up..."
Don't you see how this is classic "guytalk?" What that REALLY MEANS is: "I hope to keep you available for s*x, whilest I continue looking around for a girl who I MIGHT like better...."
C'mon.... toughen up and "see" him for exactly the guy he is telling you he is.....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Ayda +, writes (6 June 2013):
Ayda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not really about marriage.
Moving in together and sharing a life with me is a big step for him. He told me he knows this is the kind of relationship that he wants and that lasts over time but he can't help himself still look at other girls.
He's scared he will always turn his head over some girls because in the past he moved from one partner to another.
As he put it - right now he has to chose between being faithful to me and settle down or go around in a new search for something he doesn't know how will it end up.
He asked for help as in sticking with him, being patient and giving him more trust.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 June 2013):
It doesn't sound like growing up has anything to do with it... It sounds like he's just not satisfied with his life, you are probably included.
That doesn't mean that you are not a great girlfriend, just not for him. Even if you do manage to get him to marry you, how long will that last?
It's time to face the facts here: you're going to have to do a difficult but necessary thing and leave him. You can't waste anymore time with the wrong person.
BTW, the "I'm not ready" excuse can be legitimate, I used it myself with someone who I was very much into. But in your case I don't think he'll ever be ready.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 June 2013):
That old, "I need time to......." (grow up, get a job, buy a new car, see a lunar eclipse... or, WHATEVER!!).... is such a lame excuse, that I'm surprised that you - or any other woman - would fall for it.....
As an expert translator of "guytalk" I'll tell you what it REALLY means..... It means,
"Here I have you living with me.... I'm getting sex with you, regularly,... and, so far, you have been careful to avoid making demands of me. So, if you will buy it, I'll continue to tell you I "need more time" indefinitely... until (Yes, I know it will happen!) you finally get fed up with my procrastinating and show me the door..."
Hope this helps....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (5 June 2013):
By "growing up" of course you mean "Seeing the future as I see it."
He is who he is. If how he sees the future is not compatible with how you do, then you have a decision to make. But trust me, you wont change who he is. Doesnt happen.
...............................
A
male
reader, Relationship.Chef +, writes (5 June 2013):
 Love, his mental image of complete happiness does not end with you. While you certainly figure as a big part of his life, if he were to imagine his perfect relationship, it would include something else. Something more than what you are providing.Something is missing in his life, and that is why he is not ready to commit.Can you help him grow up? No. It's not about growing up. The best you can do is let him know that you will always be there for him, and allow him the time to make his own decision. You cannot change someone who doesn't want to change.
...............................
|
