A
female
age
51-59,
*eartbreakingmom
writes:My husband had a affair a year ago and it has been a long year.My 13 year old daughter is having a hard time, she started pulling her hair out we put her in counselling . This has helped a bit but every time she pulls her hair her dad gets on her case I try to explain to him that him teasing or getting on her case is not helping but he is worried for her .I think their relionship needs to heal , how can I help them heal she is still so mad at him I told her it wasn't all his fault and we are working this out .She needs to work it out with him now .Is there any advice or information out there to help them start to heal and repair their relionship . Thank You
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male
reader, cockainis  +, writes (28 November 2008):
 Thin line between understanding and discipline.
I would say that you have to make your daughter realize that she cannot make her father's weakness be an excuse in life... ever!
This might give her leeway in looking at her father as a person and steal a little percentage off that father figure. Unfortunately, dad has affected her innocence. Beyond innocence should come meticulous explaining for a wider perspective in life. Not that you should condone what dad had done, but it is wise not to turn her against her dad.
A
female
reader, heartbreakingmom +, writes (28 November 2008):
heartbreakingmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow I am over whemed with the great advice my husband comes from a family where his dad did not show a lot of attention and I think that's why he can't show his emotions that way but he is trying just not the right ways I think may be councelling will help him learn how to talk to her but the insights you all have given me gives me a new look at the situtation and how he might be looking at this your advice has been great I talk to my daughter and you guys where dead on on her view of things I can't Thank people enough Thank You Thank you. Please if you have any more advice please contact me this is the best site I feel totally. Revifed !!
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (28 November 2008):
I think you've gotten a lot of really great insight here. One thought I would add is that Dad might be having a hard time seeing her act out and knowing he is responsible. He feels guilty so that is where his impatience may be coming from. He just wants it to all go away. But I imagine if you two have made it this far after an affair, he's got to have done some soul searching, so that's promising... but knowing a few fathers, I know that as tough as they can be about other things... daughters in pain completely undo them. I think your husband needs to come to terms with the damage he's done not just to your marriage but to your family as well. I'd recommend that in addition to family counseling, he do some counseling on his own as well to help him find the strength and wisdom to heal his relationship with his daughter. Note I said his. You need to get him to step up to the plate on this one.
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A
female
reader, Gypsii +, writes (27 November 2008):
First of all, your husband needs to talk to your daughter about the affair. He needs to tell her why it happened AND he needs to apologize to her for causing her so much pain. She's traumatized by the ordeal because he not only betrayed you, he betrayed her. There's a saying that the father is the first man that a little girl loves and it's true. This man has caused a deep wound to your daughter and has broken her heart. She's torturing herself because she feels completely numb and is terrified of trusting him again. He's going to have to do the work to earn her trust because, at present, she doesn't believe that she can trust anyone anymore. I mean, if your own father does not love you enough to resist temptation, then who can you trust?
On a related note, please don't tell her that it wasn't his fault entirely. Why? Because, no matter what the circumstances, cheating is a choice. It's a choice that he made and he alone is responsible for what he did. You need to use language with your daughter that empowers rather than confuses her. More specifically, when you present yourself as complicit in the affair, it makes her feel as if neither you nor your husband are stable and trustworthy and begs the question of your ability to properly parent her, etc..
Eventually, if you and your husband don't take full responsibility for this child, she's going to rebel in ways that will even baffle the devil. The first thing out of her mouth will be "you can't tell me what to do....you had an affair and YOU mom let him get away with it!!" This is about a broken hearted little girl who feels that her fantasy was taken away. She feels deeply violated and she needs to know that her parents are fully aware of that fact. In the meantime, the entire family needs counseling. Find a good family therapist and do the work to heal!
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A
female
reader, heartbreakingmom +, writes (27 November 2008):
heartbreakingmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for advice yes they say its stress related and we are signed up for family councelling . In the mean time I want to help them start the healing process your advice was good thank you and I never thought at looking at the situation like you have thank you
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A
female
reader, josy +, writes (27 November 2008):
an advise from someone one almost her age
im 15 and seriously i would rather not be takin to counciling cuz that just makes everything worse. if that happend to me i would rather let my mom (you) talk me to me. she will one day forgive her dad but just give her time. dont push her. deep inside she does love him trust me. talk to her when her father isnt around. unexpectidly. dont make her sit down and give her a long talk cuz that doesnt work either. tell her no matter what happens between u and her dad wont change the fact that you both love her very much :)
i hope i helped
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (27 November 2008):
 You need to tell him straight not to tease her, she is suffering mentally and it's not to be laughed at. Try and ask him to take her out for the day, just father and daughter and have quality time with her. This may make her settle a bit if he can reasurre her he is not going anywhere. I'm afraid his lack of sensitivity could harm her for the rest of her life. He doesnt understand the severity of the damage children suffer when parents fall out and have problems. Did she witness a lot of the upset in the home I wonder for her to do this. She also needs to see you both in a loving environment so you need to be careful how you act in front of her with no negativity. hope this helps.
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