A
male
age
51-59,
*uv2Bike
writes:If anyone has advice on how to get past an affair, please let me know. It has been 8 years since my wife cheated, and it still feels extremely painful. I can't seem to fully trust her no matter how hard I try.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): A lot of people would disagree with what I'm about to say, and I will not claim to be an expert.It seems to me you have to work on acceptance. Acceptance that things will never be the way they were. Acceptance of the fact that something is gone, and you can never get it back. Stop trying to get that special something back in your mind. The cold reality is that it's gone. Forever.I don't think you can ever get over something like that. Don't try. You will never trust her completely, but that is the reality of your relationship now. Your choice is to accept it or move on.To my mind, you have to simply stop caring so much. Your relationship with her will always be more platonic, not as deep. Just take it day by day. Was today a good day with her? If yes, be thankful for it but don't expect too much.Try to view your wife as being just another woman. She's not that super special someone you thought she was. If you can live with that, stay with her. If you can't I'd say move on.That sounds very harsh, and I'm guessing very few people would agree with me, but that's the way I see it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Has she ever been to counseling for whatever traumatic event caused her to have PTSD? If not, maybe it's time.
Since you want to stay I say time to roll your sleeves up, and GET help to fix it. It may not be possible, but nothing else has worked in the past 8 years so I would say it's worth a try, yes?
Find a couples counselor.
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A
male
reader, Luv2Bike +, writes (30 June 2012):
Luv2Bike is verified as being by the original poster of the question I read each of your replies and am very appreciative you have taken the time to give me your input. I usually keep things like this securely contained internally, but I thought I'd give this forum a try (I am glad I did). Many of your comments were thought provoking, concerned, caring, and frankly to point.
Yes, there is more to the story as a couple of you had inquired: she has some PTSD from her abusive childhood and we have a couple of young kids. These are some of the reasons I stayed with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2012):
How did you two deal with this issue back then? Did you two get counseling? Did you talk about? Did you talk about trust?
Trust takes NO time in being torn down and it takes a LONG time to rebuild.
I would suggest you take some time and figure out how you can start to trust her again, IF you can trust her again. If not, what do you really have? Because if there is no trust, there is not respect and once those two are gone everything else starts to go out the widow, such as love, honesty, faith in each other.
I would suggest you start out with some solo counseling and then some couples therapy too. IF you want to stay with her.
If you feel you can't, then what is holding YOU back from leaving?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): OP I think you need to give us more information: before the affair, during the affair and after the affair: this is too important to just read your brief statement and advise. You cannot sum up this tragedy in such few words. For me to do just to the question I need more info (sorry I'm a details person).
While you write up your story I want you to know this: Don't feel guilty that you cannot forgive her. This is crucial. What you are feeling is a human emotional tug at your very core. Don't rush any forgiveness or feel unjustified about your feelings. Some people take months, other years and others decades to forgive and trust again. Some never do.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): OP I think you need to give us more information: before the affair, during the affair and after the affair: this is too important to just read your brief statement and advise. You cannot sum up this tragedy in such few words. For me to do just to the question I need more info (sorry I'm a details person).
While you write up your story I want you to know this: Don't feel guilty that you cannot forgive her. This is crucial. What you are feeling is a human emotional tug at your very core. Don't rush any forgiveness or feel unjustified about your feelings. Some people take months, other years and others decades to forgive and trust again. Some never do.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): OP I think you need to give us more information: before the affair, during the affair and after the affair: this is too important to just read your brief statement and advise. You cannot sum up this tragedy in such few words. For me to do just to the question I need more info (sorry I'm a details person).
While you write up your story I want you to know this: Don't feel guilty that you cannot forgive her. This is crucial. What you are feeling is a human emotional tug at your very core. Don't rush any forgiveness or feel unjustified about your feelings. Some people take months, other years and others decades to forgive and trust again. Some never do.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): if its still extremely painful after this length of time i doubt if it will ever get easier and you may have to consider parting to rid yourself of such pain
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (29 June 2012):
I think marriage counselling is your best and only option at this stage, you can go alone or with your wife, they will do their best to help you overcome this. good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): Of course you cannot fully trust her. She made sure of that. To be honest I dont think things like that ever go back to how things once were.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 You have my sympathy.
So hard to recover from the pain of being betrayed and trust seems almost impossible to get back. I assume your wife is back on board? Would she be willing to go to counselling with you because sometimes just talking it out can make sense of it.
Some wonds never heal though and if that is the case then perhaps it's time to move on.
Im so sorry that happened to you.
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