A
female
age
30-35,
*indaloo
writes:Hi I had a 'fall out' with my uncle back in September last year and since then he has just totally ignored/blanked me....when before he wuld have spoken to come and not walk past and totally ignore me. It all started when he said I need to 'earn my keep'. I live on a farm with all the family and his two sons work on the farm (but do not get paid)- I go out to work as I do not want to work for nothing and I do not want to work on the farm. Just wondering would you just ignore him now? He is taking it too far and I do not know what to do....any advice what to do??Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lindaloo +, writes (26 June 2014):
Lindaloo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI try to avoid him now...I go away in a few days for 2 weeks so I am hoping after I come back it will all be forgotten about!!
Thanks
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Well it kind of depends on how important to you a relationship with your uncle is and what type of relationship is most important if you know what I mean.
Family is family, but that works both ways and as the "grown up" he should be making more of an effort to resolve this instead of being ignorant.
Because honestly, ignoring someone you must interact with frequently, and is family, is petty and it's just a way of artificially holding onto resentment by creating an atmosphere thick with tension.
If it's important to you or if not having that tension is important to you then you're going to have to take the first step at reconciliation yourself. He's obviously not going to.
If you want to do that, OP, it is essential that you understand you have to approach this with a conciliatory attitude and find out what it is about what happened has made him react this way. This can't be about standing your ground, you have to be open to addressing his grievances. Whether it's as the others suggest that he is bitter about your tone, how you refused him or whether it is why you refused that is his main issues, you have to be prepared to address that and to back down if that works.
OP if you're too proud to cede some wrong doing for the sake of peace or think it'll just make you bitter in the long run, then don't bother.
I'd approach him, ask him for a talk to settle our differences. If he refuses then fuck him, that's that, you tried and no longer have to feel awkward about ignoring him.
If he agrees then at first for you it's about listening. Listen to what he has to say and address his issues with you without becoming defensive.
OP give it a shot and see what happens. Believe it or not there is a lot to be gained from sorting this out if you can and nothing lost if you can't, in fact you'll gain a bit of pride that you gave it a shot.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 I think in part it is like Eyeswideopen says, if your
" no ", although legitimate , was rude or sassy, Uncle surely did not appreciate it.
Another thing , I guess, is the particular structure of your living conditions.
It sounds like it's two families, living together on close proximity, living on the same land, and living OFF the same land, and operating as a family unit. You might be requested ( at least, so your Uncle thinks ) to be a bit more flexible , and more cooperative, even if technically your work pays for ALL you consume in rent, food, electricity etc.
Let me try to explain. Suppose that your job pays totally your " keep " to your parents, down to the last morsel of food or scrap of soap. You are at home, leisurely watching TV, or playing videogames, and your Mom calls out : " Lindaloo, come here and help me folding the laundry " or " washing the dishes ". What do you say ?
" Hell no, mom, my job is not being a cleaning lady. I am a paid ( .. clerk, hairdresser, fill the blank ... ) and I have already paid you my keep in full, so I refuse to lift a finger ". I don't think you'd answer like that, and I think that IF you answered like that, there would be bad ripercussions.
Because the point is not that washing dishes is not your official job, they know that already, the point is that a member of your FAMILY is asking for your help in performing daily chores. You are not technically or legally obliged to do it, of course, but flat out refusing is ... well, not nice.
In a farm , and if both families work there and share the profits, it is not so easy or practical to stick to a rigid 9-5 schedule, with very precise rules, hours and tasks. There may be the need for someone who, say, milk the cow even if it's Sunday morning - and answering : oh no, not me ,forget it , I am a hairdresser ( or a dentist or whatever )...not a dairy - maid, it is going to be factually correct but at the same time a bit confrontational and mean spirited, and won't go down that well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): It sounds like your uncle is one stubborn git. And that's his problem to sort out rather than yours. If you WERE a bit curt during the initial "argument" but you've apologised then you've done your bit.What does your Dad think you should do because I think his advice would be the best to follow since he knows your uncle.Do you still have to see your uncle? If you do, I suggest you give him a smile and say "Hello Uncle Bill" in a cheery way every time but don't expect a reply. He'll probably still blank you but, it will highlight to him (and anyone else in the vicinity) that HE'S the one acting like a sulky teenager and you're the one acting like a mature adult. What do your Aunt and cousins have to say about this? Do you still have a relationship with them or are they blanking you too?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 I have lots of questions,
Why don't his sons get paid,
whose job is it to bring in the cows,
who owns the farm,
Do you benefit from the farm (ie get a share of any profits)
whose home were you in when this incident happened,
and did your uncle ask or tell you to help get the cows in?
But, without those answers here is my take on it,
your father was quite angry with your uncle telling you to earn your keep, your uncle may have realised HE was out of line and is now unsure how to fix the situation as well.
Next time you cross paths a 'Hello Uncle Harry" as you go might be a good ice breaker.
Fingers crossed things work out!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 I guess it's maybe in the way you refused. A curt "No" would most likely piss off most adults when they ask something from a younger family member. If you were polite and respectful in your refusal then maybe I would just let it go and wait for your uncle to get over this. However if you were disrespectful in any way, I would offer an apology to your uncle for being rude.
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A
female
reader, Lindaloo +, writes (24 June 2014):
Lindaloo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I also add that I do not live with my Uncle...I live with my parents...What he wanted me to do was go and help get the cows in, but his son was already going anyway so I just said no and then he started having a go at me. I do pay to live at home so this is why I do not understand what is going on....my dad doesnt seem to care whether I work at home or away- he was quite angry with the way my uncle spoke to me. What would others do in position- act normal? as it has been nearly a year at the end of August. Thanks
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Your submittal could have been made by my oldest brother (there are 5 of us kids). He, also, "didn't want to work for nothing"..... so he eschewed the family business and went on his merry way.
Whilest he was modestly successful, he was never really able to get very far in life.... always was sort of struggling..... The four others of us, all made good lives for ourselves.... When it came time for the "family farm" to be inherited, this oldest brother was left OUT of the inheritance.... since he "didn't want to work for nothing." The other four of us each put a tidy sum in our pockets, when we sold "the farm" to a conservation group ... which group continues to have the land farmed.... BY ONE OF MY BROTHERS!!!!!
If'n you choose to "go your own way" in life.... remember that you - and only you - are responsible for your success(es).... AND you have to endure your failings by yourself...
Good luck.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): "Contribute or piss off" came out a little wrong. I wasn't directing that to you, I wasn't telling you to piss off. I mean that would be my attitude to the matter, not to you personally. I just want to clarify that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Instead of earning your keep, you're working so start paying your way instead.
That's what I did. Being the only man in a house with 4 women, a mother and three sisters, I had the "honour" of being the person who did all the heavy duty chores in the house. You see, OP, it's not working for nothing like you like to think, all that food you eat, the heater you put on when you're cold, probably the computer you're using to write this, all that costs money. So you either work to earn that stuff and contribute to the household that way or you start paying room and board. It's that simple.
You're lucky your uncle is only not talking to you, I'd have kicked you out of the house if you refused to contribute. Teach you the meaning and value of household contribution.
OP you got paid with all those years of a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your back, utilities etc. and now you're just turning around and sticking your middle at your uncle for asking you as an adult to start contributing? You demand to get paid for it instead? Fuck that.
You're in for a big surprise if you're this spoilt about things, OP, you get nothing in life for free as an adult.
My first job half my wages went to my family and I still did the heavy duty chores. It's called being an adult.
And you know what? I wouldn't care if you were my own child, if you as an adult refused to contribute then I'd stop providing for you too, I'd take back all the things I bought you and you'd be out of the house. Kids are one thing, but when they're no longer kids the free ride is over. Contribute or piss off.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 June 2014):
Do you pay any room/board with your earned income?
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