A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a long story but here goes. Iv been with my bf for a year now, and i have a daughter (but she is not his, he does treat her like his though).I live on my own with my daughter and im not working at the moment but am seeking, so i am benefits.He wants to move in , im cool with that, i said as soon as i get job he can move in, so that were not messing with the system and are doing everything right by the books.Only problem is though, to keep the house, food on the table and all the bills paid it costs 1000 a month.If i was working id only get 800 a month, as i still need to have time with my daughter and maintain the house and cook tea etc.Now he said if he moved in he should only pay 500 a month, splitting it down the middle. Im not ok with that because id only get 300 a month to last me and my daughter, and that would be for cloths, treating my daughter to days out, savings for birthdays and xmas and a holiday every year etc. its not enough really. and because he earns 1200 a month, that would leave him with 700 to himself to do what he wanted with, like spend it in the pub, or on his gadgets that he loves buying. Now iv explained that when you have a house and kids involved, you have to make sacrifices, and become the "family man" the "breadwinner" if you like. i tried to compromise buy offering that i pay 300 a month he pays 700, as i couldn't afford anymore than that with the things i need to worry about with what i need the money for, and iv refused to work extra hours, (missing time with my daughter) just so he can end up with 700 a month to himself. i think thats selfish. my dad said the same as me, hes young , he doesnt want to lose the extra cash he plays with, he shouldnt move in if hes like that etc, im torn, i dont know what to do, but il be damned if i pay the same as him and he lives life of riley while all my extra money has to go on responsibilities (outside the bills) and me and my daughter are left with nothing extra. please could someone tell me if im wrong or am i right? im really annoyed and confused.
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female
reader, jessica04  +, writes (26 February 2009):
 What some couples do is pay for things by a percentage of what they make. Like, you put 50% of your money towards living, and he puts 50% of his money towards the same. However, I have only seen this done with married couples or blended families where both partners had children.
This is hard because your daughter is not his. As long as you two are still only boyfriend and girlfriend, he bears little responsibility over her. In an ideal world he would just step up and pay for half of her costs as well, but he does not have to.
Good luck, I hope you two can come to an agreement.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (26 February 2009):
 This is a bit tricky, Tux was absolutely correct in his comment.
Having said that, I have a few thoughts that you can consider and base your calculation on:
1. Your boyfriend has no responsibility toward the upkeeping of your daughter, so he only needs to pay for the half the cost of the utilities, foods (for you and him, not your daughters), and space (access to the whole house)
2. You and your daughter make an integral part of this relationship, which means that he takes part of the responsibility in looking after her, ergo pays half of her bills too. In fact, pays half of the whole household bills. He is not married nor is he engaged to be married to you so he does not have the responsibility to be the main breadwinner for you and your daughter.
3. He moves in to your house as a "tenant" with fair going rate , to live in a house with full access to everything (but excluding you of course).
4. I have always been fascinated with people's obsession of "having a vacation" every year, regardless of whether they can afford it or not. But perhaps this is only because of my own biased Asian upbringing, where education and good jobs are first in our priorities (and vacations are like at the very bottom of the list .. LOL). So for yourself, you probably can do without calculating your budget for vacation but instead, calculating how much you should put into your own savings for your daughter's education funds.
So, now you can start the 4 different estimates based on the points above.
I hope it works out well for both of you.
Cat
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (26 February 2009):
 I'm going to start off with the fact YOU have a daughter to support, he doesn't. You made the choice to create your child and he didn't. What you are asking him to do is to help you support you and your child. If he truly treated her like his own, maybe he would, but you are asking him to support your decision that you made with another man. Perhaps if you were married, it would be a different situation, but you are only dating right now.
As I see it, you are asking for too much from him. You can call him selfish, but that is only because you are not getting more of his money to help support your child. He has every right to spend his money the way he wants it spent for because he does not have a child to "support."
But you have a few choices.. A) Don't take his deal. You pay the full brunt of the rent bill.. B) Take his deal and you get help with paying rent. C) Re-assess your relationship.
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