A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short; two years ago, I made the classic mistake of falling for a guy who I was in a "friends-with-benefits" situation with. I was a completely innocent, naive sixteen year old, and he was eighteen and pretty experienced. I'd love to be able to say that I just liked him a bit too much, but unfortunately, I ended up absolutely worshipping the ground he walked on. We were very on-and-off for about a year; he was always bouncing between wanting the sexual favours, and periods of considering me as his "best friend" and "family". The latter usually occurred when he was seeing another girl. This year, however, has been very different. Apart from a few plans to re-kindle our previous situation around April time (that fell through), nothing has actually happened between us. I was in a relationship with someone else for a short period of time, which helped me convince myself I was over him and we did actually end up being best friends. The problem is now, that over the summer and especially towards recent months, I've realised that I'm not over him in the slightest, I still love him, and frankly, I don't want to be. I want to be his friend without getting viciously jealous every time he's happy seeing someone else. Generally, we do actually have a fantastic friendship that I don't want to lose. Even though I've always known that the wisest thing to do would be to push him out of my life completely, I've tried it before several times, and it just makes me feel even worse knowing I've lost a friend as well as someone I love. So I'm asking anyone with a more insightful input to my other friends' constant "get rid of him", to shed some light as to how to just be happy with him without letting my past feelings constantly get in the way. All we do is argue these days, and doubled with being in therapy and on medication for various mental health issues, it's just one more problem on top of the pile. I just don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to let go of something that is clearly a lost cause, and how to actually go about changing my mentality for good this time. Thanks to anyone that replies, it's appreciated! x
View related questions:
best friend, jealous, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, psychic fiona  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 as long as he is in your life your never gonna get rid of those feelings, youll never look at him as a good friend anymore. thats why theres a saying never date your best friend because you will lose him for these reasons, but if you think your gonna keep him as a friend after all thats happened and because of the feelings you have developed its not gonna happen, now if you dated him and you see that you only like him and care for him as a friend than you have a chance of keeping him as a friend and it wont bother you. but you fell in love and he didnt so you need to say good by forever or until your completly over him.
A
male
reader, TomWilkinson +, writes (30 October 2012):
 When I was around the same age I had a similar problem, I worshipped my "best friend" and wanted nothing more than for us to be together. When we did have a friends with benefits situation, it was fun, but was never going to work as it's incredibly rare that such a situation is truly "no-strings".
We did end up in a relationship, which inevitably ended and it was me who was hurt, and was desperate to either have her back, or cling to the friendship.
It's not advice as such, but for my particular situation, I had to create some distance. Not total shutting out as your friends suggested, but hanging out and general socialising had to stop, for a good few years. We're not the same as we used to be, but we're about as friendly as we are with other people from when we were all spending time together.
It's a cliche and generally longer than you'd imagine, but time actually does help.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Unless you're willing to heed your friends when it comes to stopping contact with him, it *will* be a lost cause.
All of this struggling with feelings, loving him, agony, etc that you're feeling, he is *not* feeling. He has been using you for sex. If he had the merest inkling of the same intensity of feelings for you, he'd have been dating and calling you his girlfriend, and your relationship would be a proper one and not FWB.
People don't have sex with their "best friend", and they certainly wouldn't with family. Those are things he says to keep you at bay when your feelings start laying unspoken demands on him.
You have to stop this insanity. You said you saw someone else for a bit? Why do you think you quit? It's because this guy isn't out of your life!
You have to starve the feelings, just like you'd throw away the cigarettes, the alcohol, or the drugs if you wanted to be free from the addiction. You're addicted to the guy so much that you're willing to give yourself away for nothing for just that teaspoon of attention he'll give you.
You deserve better, but you won't get that until you cut him out of your life. You cannot be friends with him. Any new guy would have a problem with your continued relationship with someone who you have had a sexual relationship with. As long as you give any room to this guy, you cannot move forward. You're selling your future cheap for a few sexual favors given, and you shouldn't stand for that! He is not worthy of your love. You are addicted, and you must break that addiction.
...............................
|
