A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Uh oh, another friends with benefits question...Long story short. I cheated on my ex, "A" at a time when I was unhappy about the relationship. Naturally, he left me, (a little over two years ago) and quickly rebounded and had a relationship with a (or I *should* say, now EX) friend of mine. They broke up 6 months ago, and for the past 4 months me and my ex have been involved in a F.W.B. relationship. We laugh, we have the same interests, the same taste in music, we never fight, we make each other smile, we support each other, we have an understanding, a connection, a sense of humor that is lost on others. We talk about how great our "relationship" is. We talk about why other people in FWB relationships can't do it "correctly". We truly are soul-mates. We are each others first loves.Backtrack to two years ago (stay with me here, writing this all out is therapeutic for me) when he left me. My heart/ego was crushed by how quickly he moved on, so I stayed with the guy I cheated (we'll call him guy "B") on "A" with. It was a highly abusive relationship. I constantly thought about "A", I've regretted cheating on him EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I realize now, that I love "A". Dearly. I've compared every guy I've ever met to him. He makes me feel happy, warm, beautiful, comfortable, excited, and safe. I can be myself around him. We were having one of our long chats, (we don't just meet up and have sex. We talk for hours and hours and hours, and listen to music together, go to movies and bars, and really, its just like spending time with a best friend) and he said "Our relationship works because we've already been committed and know that we don't want to be together." Well, no S***. Why would HE want to be with somebody who betrayed him? But I love him. In two years I have not met anyone that I vibe with as well. I have not met anyone that I felt as comfortable with. I have not met anyone that I can have such great conversations with...END OF RAMBLE: It's immature, but I will NOT speak about this sort of thing to him. It kills the good-times. We're on an un-spoken "Dont ask, dont tell" sort of thing. I'm fairly sure that he may compare other girls to me and be unsatisfied with them, just as I am with guys. The point is. I'm going to get hurt. I'm hurt thinking about how I'm going to get hurt. HOW DO I END THE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT HAVING TO BE TOO CONFRONTATIONAL OR ADMIT MY TRUE FEELINGS? (I'm not about to be like "I love you! I want to be with you!"... I cheated on him. If anything he'd say "Well, I think you're amazing but I can't trust you in a committed relationship.") I just need some thoughts. Good, bad, rude. I can take it. Should I just stop talking to him? Seriously, just yell at me. Verbally smack me over the head with a baseball bat. I need blunt insight and a blunt solution.Sincerly,Guilty and Regretful
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi,
you are young to start with. You cheated on him two years ago? You would have been no older than say 18-19? or even younger? God dam it, everyone does stupid things at this age for crying out loud. You cant label yourself a cheat for something you do as a teenager.
Its obvious you two love each other, but your infidelity is being used as a safety net in a way, as you don't have to committ to each other because you might go back to your cheating ways. But this is not a real excuse is it? It's just an excuse you both can fall back on to avoid committing to each other.
Time for you two guys to sort each other out. Lose your infidelity as an excuse. If he clings to it, maybe he's not such a great a guy as you might think.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): Is he seeing other people? If so then you are getting played in a way. Really what is happening is that you have put the fear of bejaysus into him with your cheating and he has barbed wire around his heart to keep you out. But you're in there, believe me, and I think it's clear that he does want to be with you but his pride and ego prevent him from doing it so this way works for him. He is deluding himself into thinking he's ok because it soothes his ego and is kind of punishing you for what you did in a passive sense. That is quite a normal reaction and to be expected! But at the same time it is unfair on and painful for you. He loves you and what you NEED to do is tell him how you feel without sounding desperate (as he will find this horribly unattractive by the sound of him, so make it blunt and factual) and make it clear that you won't be able to continue doing what you are doing with him unless he will give you a proper chance to redeem yourself in a real, committed relationship with him. He will almost certainly say no and push you away in the beginning. Leave him alone, give him time to think and he will come back to you. If he doesn't you got out in good time and he either doesn't really give a toss about you or he has been irreparably hurt by your cheating and you have to let him and yourself move on. Good luck
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi
Why wouldnt he ever forgive you then? There are many relationships that last a long time after one has cheated.
My uncle cheated on his wife, left her for 3 years to be with someone else. After those 3 years he got back with my aunty. That was about 10 years ago now and he wouldnt dream of cheating on her again.
Im not getting why he cant envisage forgiving you and commiting to you properly instead of this half hearted commitment.
You hang out like boyfriend and girlfriend, its not just about sex, but is suppose to be? It sounds to me like possibly, he loves being with you, would love to fully commit, but is scared of it happening again.
Did he get angry when he left before?
The reason i ask is, i split from someone some months ago that lied to me. Wasnt even about a third party (not romantically anyway) but i was angry. And boy oh boy i let him have it verbally with both barrels at the time, and ocasinally afterwards. We had about a month, just over, apart completely. Then we decided we got on as mates and socialised with our own children. They got on well. Within a couple more months we decided to give us another go.
The issue that had come between us had been resolved so wasnt going to be a problem again and he said he would never take the risk of doing anything like that again. He made a big mistake and paid for that by losing me.
I feel that i thrashed it out with him after, listened to him, and now trust that he will be honest.
If he ever lied again, i would know hes not the one for me.
We didnt have sex when we hung out as mates, and we both had sex with other people after we split. But thats all irrelivent.
We love being together and if other people were better for us, surely we would be with them? It sounds similar for you?
Good luck.
C xxxx
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