A
female
age
36-40,
*eatles
writes:i have a very happy family, parents never got into a fight and i know they love each other very much from the way they interacted. i think my mom is having an affair because i don't have a solid evidence on it. i noticed it 3years back. my mom and i went to the mall when her phone rang, but she didn't answered it. she just said she didn't recognize the number and she don't entertain strangers. she even showed me the number. the thing is, its the same number who have been keep calling my mom before all that happened. i know it because once when she was in the kitchen, her phone rang and i saw the number and i passed the phone to her. she answered it and talk for more than 5minutes, im not sure cause it was long time ago. that was then.last year, i went to her bedroom to tell her i'm going out but i notice she was on the phone, giggling. i pretended to watch the telly whilst waiting for her to put down the phone (actually i was trying to listening in. i know its bad, but its the sort of giggle that u do when u were on the phone with your boyfriend, thus my curiosity). anyway, i heard she said something like 'it's Hana (my name)'...'yea u have to give me option a or b to talk *giggles'...wtf? telling myself i couldn't just sit there, i just went up to her to kiss her and say goodbye. strangely she pull away the phone from her, and kinda push me away when i was about to kiss her cheek and i SWEAR i heard a man's voice. i just keep silent about it.the same year, *GOD forgive me for doing this* i snoop in her phone while she was in the shower. i saw a disturbing msg from the same number i saw the year previously, something like 'are u ready to get fcuk'. when i look in her sentbox, she said 'ready when u are'. she went out afterward. half and hour later i called her repeatedly, she didn't pick up her phone. i was alone at the house, i cried myself out for that. i was on the verge of hurting myself. i didn't come out of my room for 3days. that was one of the lowest point of my life.up until now, she still receive calls and text messages from that guy. whenever she's on the phone with him, she'll hide, be it in the kitchen, laundry room or bedroom. often she'll put on her handsfree kit, and hide the phone. once she was in the bedroom when i came in. she immediately end the call. how i know this? i saw her phone's light was on.this late afternoon, my mom and i was on our way back from shopping when that guy called her. they were joking and she talked so gentle with him. i know its the same guy because i checked her phone log. i just can't help myself :(i couldn't talk about this to anyone. i'm close to both my dad and mom, thus it really breaks my heart knowing she still in contact with him. i'm the only girl in the family, and i couldn't tell my brothers because i just don't know how and i don't want to. i couldn't talk to my bestfriends because i do not want them to see im delusional and i have a dysfunctional family. all i can do is cry and pray to God hoping all this will just stop. i had considered seeing a psych cause often when i think about it, i feel useless and just want to end my life. i had injured myself cause i was so upset and i don't have anyone to turn to.if u guys are suggesting i come clean with my mom, i'm sorry, i just don't know how and i don't think i can bring myself to talk to her about it. what can i do? what should i do? how do i forget about all these?:(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): i agree with code warrior - YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR MUMS AFFAIR. that is just plain crap. Please hear what code warrior is saying, he makes so much of sense and he is realistic. Good one Code!just to add something else:all you need to do is tell her "I KNOW" and leave it at that. asmuch as it would break your dads heart i believe he should be made aware to be more observant of his wifes behaviour. it is not fair that while your mum is out banging another man she still expects your dad to pay for her lifestyle. your dad is none the wiser of her affair but your mum just continues to steal from him. his life. his resources. his finances and his wellbeing. you will read on this site of women who think nothing of using their husbands until the bitter end and they do not give a damn about the hurt they cause. perhaps your mum is one of them and needs to be brought to book. to Heartfullalove, my heart goes out to you. it is so unhealthy what your mum has been doing. please i believe the same details that Code Warrior has provided to the OP should be taken into account for yourself. Be strong and sometimes the very people who are supposed to love us actually destoys us. In your case, please do not think all women behave in the manner your mum has been behaving for the last 4 years. you may think that your dad is better of not knowing, but let him have some pride, at least. let him have some respect. your mum certainly does not have any for herself. it is bad enough that his wife is having an affair, but to defile her home with the other man is unacceptable. for your own sake, you are big enough to confront her. turning a blind eye means that your hatred for her is becoming so strong. she repulses you and that is not good. soon you will have no respect for women and that will not be fair. i implore you, rat your mum out. i think you owe your dad at least that only. to the OP and Heartfulalove,both of you please keep strong. When parents mess up their lives they have no cooking clue what devastation they bring into their childrens lives. I believe that Children need to put their parents right and bring them to book. Just my thoughts.
A
female
reader, beatles +, writes (1 September 2009):
beatles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you softouchmale2003, Tnega, heartfullalove and Code Warrior for all the kind replies :)
My family is very much happy, and that is why I'm perplex as to why would she have an affair in the first place. I've read couple of advice articles of which they said people have an affair because they are unhappy with their partner, one of the reason. Believe me, my parents is FAR from unhappy. I can see that they are still in love (they've been married for 27years).
My dad just asked me if I'm doing okay because he said i look bumped out. Sulking. All I could did was a little smile, said 'i'm okay' and immediately went to my room. I couldn't cry in front of him because he will know SOMETHING is definitely troubling me of which I couldn't tell him. :(
I'm still contemplating whether or not to confront my mom. If I do, all my suspicions will be cleared up but I'm afraid she'll hate me for that.
If I don't, she'll still be happy and I need to shut myself up I guess.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): PLEASE don't take this out on yourself. It's NOT your fault and you've done NOTHING wrong.
I know how traumatic this is for you, but the truth is there's NOTHING you can do about this - and you certainly shouldn't even contemplate injuring yourself, it won't solve anything.
How to deal with it? Put it in a box, be strong, try not to think about it, and don't let it interfere with your enjoyment of your life, your friends, your books or movies or music or clothes or whatever your passions are.
You say 'if u guys are suggesting i come clean with my mom, i'm sorry, i just don't know how and i don't think i can bring myself to talk to her about it'...I know. It seems impossible, how on earth are you meant to raise the subject? My mum has been conducting a wild affair for four years with my dad's so-called mate. There are ways of finding out, and mine couldn't have been any nastier.
My dad was working occasional overnight shifts about four years ago (I was 15) and I went out to the movies with my girl pal, we got unlucky with the buses and when we got there we'd missed the first 45 minutes, so I just came home. I turned the key in the door and the blood drained from my heart, I could hear unbelievably loud, high-energy sex going on upstairs, and since Alan's car was parked outside, I knew straight away it had to be him (I'd always been slightly suspicious of the way they looked at each other, but didn't think any more of it).
Powerless to do anything about it, though - what was I meant to do, march into the bedroom and ask them to stop or be a bit quieter? All I could do was sit there, my heart pounding, while she had God knows how many orgasms. It became unbearable after a while, so I just went out again and walked around in the vicious rain for hours.
I've never confronted her, even though it's still going on. They've even done it while my dad was in the house, at her 40th birthday party last year, they invited all their friends round for a few drinks, and at one point I couldn't get into the bathroom because the door was locked and he was f***ing her brains out.
It's hit a point where they're clearly getting off on the risk of being caught, almost every time my parents' friends come around I hear them having a 'quickie' in the spare room as if they've forgotten I'm within ear-shot. Hearing her 'talk dirty' is the hardest part...or maybe the howling orgasms...the whole thing is very unpleasant for me, though she clearly loves it. I'm just thankful I haven't SEEN it, though hearing it isn't exactly easy to deal with.
I can't bring myself to tell my dad - and I can only imagine how much it would hurt him - but I think he's AT LAST beginning to suspect something, they had a blazing row a couple of months ago when she was going out allegedly for 'a drink with the girls from work', dressed like a thousand-dollar hooker.
Be strong, sweetie, and get on with your own life. You'll have to decide how this affects your opinion of your mother. Obviously it's a major black mark and will have a permanent negative effect on the way you think of her, but it doesn't make her the Antichrist. My mom's otherwise a pretty good person, great fun and kind and caring, so I suppose I've no option but to let her have her fun.
My best mate (a girl) knows all about it and thinks she's a total bitch for doing this, that her affair has turned me off girls for life and means I'll never ever be able to be sexually faithful to any man for as long as I live - and I've got to say I suspect she's right - but I'm just trying to make the best of life and not suffer needlessly because of SOMEONE ELSE's actions. You have to do the same.
I wish you all the best, sweetheart. Look after yourself, don't let the anger consume you, and be strong! PM me if there's anything you need a chat about. Best of luck and big hugs xx
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Its never easy dealing with subjects like this. But the thing to do is ask your mom nicely if she is having an affair.
But the other thing is this. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. It could be any number of things or nothing at all.
But you are not the reason for your mom's affair. And this is something she never wanted you to know about.
At some point she will have to decide whether she wants to stay in the marriage with your father, or if she wants out of it. Its that simple.
The real question is whether she is happy in her marriage with your father, or not. And if he's happy too.
We don't know the dynamic operating in your family, but you do. And its quite obvious to me that there are suspicions other than your own out there. My suggestion is that you be nice to your mom, and understanding of it.
It should be obvious to you that your mom loves you deeply and would never do anything to harm you. So I would suggest you treat her the same way. Sooner or later she will figure out what she wants to do about this, and when.
But don't judge your mother. There's a lot more going on that caused the affair than just her. But I can assure you, it had nothing to do with you.
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