A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping some of you out there could help me because I have spent days, nights, and hours in my confusion and help would be greatly appreciated. It’s long but please read it and let me know your honest thoughts. I am so hurt and I cry so much over it…I met a man who approached me and initiated conversation with me a few months ago. When we first met I was not attracted to him, in fact I saw all of his flaws and paid no mind to him. He was insulted when I didn't know who he was because his father owns the building I have a commercial space in. I only called him to take him up on his offer to provide props for my company photo shoots. We began having meetings that lasted for hours on end and he ended up offering me to be an investor in my company. I still had not fallen for him yet. Once we figured out our terms of business and all was signed and official he proposed a celebration dinner because we were now “involved” as he called it. This was the first time he asked me out and he insisted that I pick the place. I decided on Chili's and our dinner became a 3 hour talk fest! We began going out regularly together and sharing intimate details of our lives and confiding in one another. Then his ex-girlfriend came around and he started binge drinking and acting depressed. From what he says he has a love/hate thing with her. She was his first girlfriend in junior high then she got “model” hot and he has been a fool over her ever since. He resents her because every time she comes around she asks him for money (which I told him isn’t fair because I know first hand how hard he works for it), and has sex with him claiming to love him and then goes back to her abusive boyfriends herself. He admitted that the reason he can’t be with her is because she had an abortion with his child to be with her abusive ex and that kills him. She has another child and he feels sorry for the kid but she leaves him every time. He told me too that if he goes back to her, I would never see him again because she is too jealous and his businesses and partners would all be gone. I was afraid of losing him but I just stayed his friend and guided him through his last date with her. She had the nerve to put him down and tell him he let himself go from when they were last together! I told him to have the biggest smile and stay happy. He was ignoring her so much and texting me she began asking questions and rubbing herself on him saying this new girl has to go. He ended up leaving her and not giving her gas money like she had asked him and he came to pick me up that night and took me to my cousin’s birthday party when I was on the bus. I asked him if he was coming in and he said, I don’t know am I? And I said yes, he stayed with me pretty late that night. While we were driving to my home, he admitted that I was more important to him than she could ever be. That he really appreciated me and thought I was super cool! We hugged again that night and things seemed fine. He still kept regularly coming into my office for no reason at all just to see how I was doing, etc. When my phone rang he would lean over and see who was calling me and ask "who's that"? I see past his flaws and see him as my potential...I have met Vince's father, his brother, and his childhood best friends. He's taken me to dinners with them and was attentive to me the entire time. We would go for drinks together and when he offered to walk me upstairs to my apartment, I would respectfully say no and hug him so tightly. He’s even been to my home and shown me where he lives, it was awkward standing outside of his bedroom and not going in. One day he offered to drive me to my other job across town and one of his friends was like you’re not going that way, your going the opposite way I heard you on the phone but he still drove me ? He made me happy and for once in my very hurt love life, I felt like a man I was falling for was falling for me too. Two weeks ago (marking now 2 months since we’ve been doing the dinners and dates), we were talking. He had gone to his cousins wedding and it left him in a sad state. He admitted to wanting that too and that seeing where he was alone and drowned in his businesses he wanted to have time for himself. He explained that it was nothing personal but that his participation in my company was going to be lessened but that he would still have weekly and monthly meetings with me. I told him I understood. Somehow we ended up talking about the types of people that were attracted to, he said he likes 5 ft. 8 girls (he is 6 ft 4) that are 120-130 lbs. I am 5 ft. 4 at 170 lbs. While that hurt, I admitted that I was attracted to him and that I wanted to be with him. He stood there starting into nothing for a minute and I said what are you doing? He said I’m thinking. He admitted that he knew I liked him and thought it was because we were spending so much time together and he thought I would get over it. He said “I don’t see you that way”. He apologized for hurting my feelings and I said he hadn’t but we both knew he had. I told him I understood and when I began making an exit, he said “don’t think I haven’t thought about us and I have also fantasized about you” but I don’t want to have something that’s going to end and hurt me. I told him I wasn’t like other women that if he took a chance he would see it. I told him I knew he wanted to kiss me just as bad as I wanted to kiss him. I offered for us to go into a private area because a lot of people were walking by where we were. He told me that all he could offer was sex. I said, I am not having sex with anyone else right now and I am lonely so I am okay with that. He then said I would have to be ok with him making love to other women and I said fine your not my boyfriend but you have to accept me making love to other men too then (I know this is frowned upon but please read and don’t judge) he said if that’s what you want then I’ll learn to accept it. I told him, I like you Vince and I don’t care how I have you as long as I have you, if this is what you want. He grabbed me and began kissing me. Things got heavy and we ended up having intercourse. Right after (like 4-5 min later) he was sitting in a corner ashamed for not having lasted long for me and leaving me wanting more. I told him it was okay and we kissed and hugged. He then started acting really weird. He began saying how he shouldn’t have done it, and how he’s just not ready for anything, even sex with anyone, and he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t like that he gets attached with sex and he doesn’t want to be hurt. He kept apologizing to me and telling me it wasn’t going to happen again. He stopped kissing me and holding me and I tried not to cry too much to his face so I let him go. I told him I had a meeting to go to and I ran off. He came into my office after my meeting and apologized again, I didn’t know how to feel or react to how he had brushed me off, so I coldly browsed my computer not looking at him and said “I already forgot what happened Vince” and he said, ok I’m distancing myself and left. I didn’t see or hear from him for a week when I finally told him I was considering leaving our partnership and moving out of the building. We had that meeting last week and ended up talking things out and he wants to keep helping me with my dreams and agreed to stay and confirmed if we were okay and I said yes. He says (I am not sure if he means it though) that he will do dinners again but in time and has asked for me to no longer text or call him for personal reasons. He even told me he can’t forget our encounter and that because of that he has put me in a cold place in his mind. He won’t hug me because it’s too close for him and maybe in time we can be friends again. I did try to call him for little things but he was so cold and dismissive that I decided to just stop trying and let him go. I stopped everything and now he’s been slowly coming back around. I was in a bad car accident last Saturday and nearly lost my life. I was sad that I may have died and never known love ? and I told him because I couldn’t come into the office. He did let everybody in and opened and closed the office for me even though my workers said he was hung over. He has been coming to more of my photo shoots and I did get to tell him about my accident where he said he was sorry it happened and was glad I am okay. The thing here is he was commenting on how pretty my model was and how great her legs were. She is 5 ft. 8 and 120 lbs and I told him that with a smirk remembering what he once said to me and he left shortly after and wished me good health. He has since started coming into my office finding little excuses to pop by and emails me more often. He pays me kind words like have a fun day to which I would act busy to and be like yeah thanks Vince. See you next week. It’s almost like he is finding excuses to talk to me and I am too busy to care. When I request meetings now, he’ll act busy and when I say okay I’m leaving here in 1 hr. I won’t be in until next week, 10 minutes later he’s knocking at my door. I know he thinks about me but does he care about me that way I want him to? Or am I reading way too much into this and there are no hopes of love between us? Is he worth the wait and if I should fight for him? Could he be with his ex again? This is what I am confused with. His father and him don’t have a close relationship, his brother wants nothing to do with him, and his mother is mentally ill. But I care for this man with all my heart and soul. I long for him and I need guidance because I hurt for him now…thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BonjourMonAmi  +, writes (3 January 2011):
I have to say that I read your whole story, and as a female, I just don't know what to tell you! I am drawn to guys that clearly suffer from past wrongs, and it's always the same type of story - they make it so hard for anyone to get in. All you want to do is love him, and he won't let you, plain and simple that's all it boils down to. I have terrible luck with love, so perhaps don't take this advice, but if it were me, I would lay low. Be his friend, but try to become interested in other men. I've always felt that a relationship should begin with friendship, where tow people sincerely get to just know each other and just be friends first. You build a trust and a bond that didn't have any ulterior motives. Then, perhaps you'll reach a level where he will finally be able to let you into his life, and to return your love. That's the best I have to offer you! I'm going through the same sort of situation. I was friends with this guy for a bit, honestly didn't think much of him. Then some sexual things happened between us. He could tell that I'd developed some feelings for him, and he promptly pulled away. Though he's a fully functional individual with a job and friends and everything, hes an emotional wreck that can't accept love. I will say one thing, he always comments on how "hot" girls that walk by are, and things of that nature, when I am around. It's a defense mechanism. Sure, men think women are hot, but he's saying it aloud for a reason. He's trying to hurt you, so that you pull away from him, because he is trying to push you away. It just comes down to major trust isssues. There is really nothing you can do except give him time. You can try and work out to get a little more fit, take showers and always look fresh and clean and blooming and healthy around him, to sort of stimulate physical attraction, but thats really not the hang up her (at least I don't think). Hes afraid of falling in love with you. He will only let you in when he is ready. You just have to decide if he is worth the wait. Also ask yourself, do you honestly think that he will ever come around? Some men never come around, and live their lives alone and without love. I'm only 23 so I am spending some time on this one guy I am interested in, and I'm not nervous because I feel that I have plenty of time to find another guy if this one doesn't work out. But I've also learned that you could be waiting for something that will never come. Try and decide if your guy will ever let you in. And when deciding, be sure to push your wishes and desire aside - your love for him will tell you to wait for him. But maybe logically you should just move on. Its up to you to decide because you are the one in the situation and only you know all of the particulars. I hope this helped, and honestly, good luck to you. And also, it warms my heart to see other ladies trying to give love to those who deserve it, but just don't know how to accept it. So many women go for the well-off, well rounded men, or rich men, or family guys. But you've chosen a guy that has flaws, and that tells me that you are good person, because you see the heart of people. So honestly, my best wishes to you.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Find hope in the fact that he still wants you after the two of you had sex. Be patient and go with it. It sounds like he's slowly coming back to you. Don't push him away and don't let this opportunity slide. If you want to be with him then be with him, slowly. Don't rush into things and just blurt out "I love you!". I don't think there's much chance of him being with his ex again. Let him know that you still want to be his friend and that you liked sharing personal stuff with each other and then one day, maybe soon maybe much later, you'll be more intimate, much closer. I think if you're careful and patient with this, this could be the beginnings of a long and prosperous relationship!
I hope that helps.
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