A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles,I made the grave mistake of moving in with my boyfriend. In my defence, he seemed like a solid, responsible guy, and he is! He currently carries most of our financial burden. Since he is working, and I am looking for a job so in the meantime I have taken the task of cleaning our house, cooking, making dinner...I do not really ask for help, maybe I asked him to was some dishes once,but that was it. I just ask him, to throw his clothes on the laundry basket. He has said to me that I am unconcerned about his laundry and whether he has clothes for work, and that he works so hard for me...I feel taken for granted. He seems to think that I should be more alert, and concerned on wheter he washed his work clothes on his day off. The only thing I do not take care of is his work clothes, but because of an earlier incidenct WHERE HE ASKED ME NOT TO. But now he wants me to be concerned like a wife about his clothes...Maybe I am wrong but since he is almost 30 shouldn't he be the responsible one? I do not mind helping him with the laundry, but he now makes it seem like it is my obligation to make sure he is work ready.I feel so trapped, I moved away from family, and friends, my parents do not know we moved in together so I cannot go to them. I do not own a car, so I am stuck at home the whole day.I am on my 20s and wished that I could go out, and explore the town. My bf does not really like the night scene, or going to bars and stuff. He also comes tired from work, and I always have warm dinner when he comes home, but I feel my life is wasting away...I do not have friends here, and I try no to get friends either, because when I tried to meet people he kept saying that he felt inadequate and that all my friends would want to get in my pants. He often reads my texts over my shoulder, and grabs my phone playfully to see my screen. He even reads when someone messages me on the computer, an ex boyfriend once messaged me something silly, and he read it [ He keeps our computers besides each others' or he will throw a tantrum] and I still hear about that incident (it happened months ago...) So, I am trapped within my own house too. I do not even contact anyone in fear that he might see it and his insecurities flare up.I help with whatever money I come across, and sunk all of my savings into our move. I've even had to ask my mother's financial assistance to buy groceries. I do anything I can to pull my own weight.Sadly, I depend on him for the smallest of tasks , such as grocery shopping. I never dare ask for more, and when I do ask for more (can we please get more onions?) It seems to always bite my back...I am just so tired of this situation, but I've signed a lease with him, and I feel that while I get a job the best way I can contribute is to shut up and keep doing the housework. Though he has also accused me of cleaning the house my way, and imposing this on him (I asked him to pick up his clothes from the floor once...) and nagging him.I just need some help coping up with this, I feel so trapped and miserable, I will move out as soon as the lease is over, but meanwhile, please help me cope with moving in with him, it was my choice, but a wrong one. Please let me know what I can do to appease him, he is extremely insecure eventhough I never leave the house without him (not even once).What can I do to make my existence here more bearable? I have already spoken to him and said that I think me doing 95% of the housework and him doing 5% is okay (5% = keeping the house as neat as possible, picking up your plate and depositing it in the sink) He has expressed that by me requiring this of him I am being unappreciative of him and his efforts at work (he feels that I am unfair by asking him to pick up his clothes on the floor as he is tired from work).Am I being irrational? I have just given up. He has in a few months completely sucked the life and fun out of me. I still have a long way on the lease though, please give me pointers to a more sane cohabitation on my part. I do not think he wants to change, as he feels he has not wronged me, but that I am ungrateful...I just do not even know how to act around him any longer, everything I say is wrong or hurtful, and even what I do not say counts (I did not explicitly said THANKS to him once, and he started to cry about how he felt unappreciated...)Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for responding.
We both moved to this town to continue our college education (we are both at the same stage on our careers), so we moved without a job, it just so happens that he found a job before me. The first couple of months we contributed $$$ equally,I paid the rent, and the deposit, and he also helped. I also helped with the initial expenses and we tried to do it 50%.
I cannot go back home since I will be attending school here on the Fall, the school is ranked #1 on my particular area of study so it was one of my life goals to attend here.
I do not mind taking the bulk of the household, I understand it is my contribution. Still, I do not see harm on asking him to please leave the clothes inside the hamper and not thrown on the floor, or the dishes on the sink... they seem like polite cohabitation behavior.
The only "chore" he had was taking out the trash, because he goes outside, it's heavy and it's on his way and he volunteered for this.
He makes the money, but I contribute as much as possible monetarily and on the house, even if it is paying half the grocery bill. I never ask him to get ME anything, and every time he has said he needs help monetarily I give him money immediately.
MsSadie is also right that I should not have made the move with him, like this. At the time we were both going for school, and sharing an apartment seemed like a logical and practical idea. I honestly did not move out of love (he did since we were LDR and he came to my state) I thought it was a practical choice at the time.
He expressed to me that he felt and immense amount of pressure, because he found my diary and read an entry where I said that I hope he got a job soon, but I meant it as in I hope he gets a job soon so he is not so discouraged. He says that he felt pressure to provide after reading that entry...
I've never said anything about providing, he does not have to provide for ME, when I need anything I get the money to buy it. I've sold tons of my stuff, including my cellphone, and part of my clothes so I could make it this far.
Again, I do all the housework willingly as part of my contribution, from breakfast to dinner. I understand it is my part, but I do not want it to be my obligation, he does not have an obligation to me, and I've never pressured him to get a job or anything odf that sort.
I am not "another bill" again he does not spend money on ME (except on dates and even there I try to pick the cheapest meals, and not ask for appetizer and drink water, and I am super grateful too) and my complaint is NOT about the housework, or that I do not like doing it.
I like So_Very_Confused idea, and CindyCares advice, that is great advice thank you so much. As CindyCares says this is a temporary situation where I am out of work (I've worked non stop since I was 16 , this is the 1st time I've been jobless) as you said I just wanted some respect. and as So_Very_Confused says we should have laid some ground rules at the start....
He apologized for sying hurtful stuff, and I accepted his apology, but he now wants me to be cheerful and chipper as always. It is kind of hard to turn it on. I try to be nice, and keep going like always, but I feel broken. Everytime I say anything to him regardless of tone or intent he starts to cry, and turns away and it is impossible to ahve a serious conversation... I am patient wait for him to stop crying, and try again... over and over...
If I went to my mother he would love it, as he wants to meet her very badly and would force the issue if he could, he feels very insecure that my ex met her and he hasnt. I know I could tell her and she would be fine, but I wanted to wait. I think you guys are right and I should speak with my mother.
I told her I had problems with my room-mate, and she sent me some money, I calculated what half of our expenses are, and will give that to him, so he does not feel so pressured. I know he is not hurting for money, but it will make me feel better, and it will give me some time while I get called for a job, I am honestly so desperate I would take anything. I was offered a spot on an overnight bakery, but he said I "deserved" better and that we would not get to see each other, so he was against me taking it.
I am quite maudlin and spiritually broken, I was a vibrant girl who awlays have something going on (even at home), but now I try to just get by and try to be nice to appease him. But he does not like this, he wants me to be cheerful and fun, but I have a hard time faking that. He is pressuring me into being "the old me" and even when I am nice, and keep on cleaning he wants me to be as happy as before. I just have no desire to fight anymore, I used to value my privacy, but now Ive given up even that and just let him use my stuff and give him my passwords because I do not want to start a fight about how "I do not trust him, and he loves me more, and I thought we were intimate"
I would really appreciate any pointers on to how to handle this situation. I've contacted acquaintances and friends on the area, and I know that they will let me stay at their palce if there is an emergency.
Right now, I am at odds. HE read my post late last night and frantically left bawling his eyes out in his car. I am much more collected, and mature than him so I do not have these reactions, to him this post was another big deal, and said I painted him as a monster (He is a good guy, but he truthfully has control issues and Ive told him this) . I've never been on a relationship like this, and it has taken it's toll on me.
Thank you for your responses
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (31 May 2013):
 "Swallow your pride and go back to your parents."Couldn't have said it better myself.I'm not going to rag on this guy because I don't know him, and I understand that some people just have different standards, beliefs, and rules for relationships than the ones that I have.Your mistake here was not discussing what kind of rules you two would have for each other when living together. In the future, if you're not going to wait to get married before living with a significant other, at least make sure you can stand on your own two feet before moving in and don't just be along for the ride. In other words, be independent (have a job) and know what you want. And if you have to keep this a secret from your parents, it's probably not something you should be doing in the first place.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2013):
 OP if you are home all day then I can see you have more time to do more things but he needs to be responsible for the things he does not want you to do.
Let me tell you how it rolls in our house:
when I met my husband he was living along a long time and was very self-sufficient. He fed himself and he did his laundry. Cleaning... he was not so hot at... but he was good about general life skills. That has flown out the window with us moving in together and getting married.
I'm older and more traditional and so is he so we sat down and we made house rules that work for us.
I handle the laundry because my dainties kind of threw him for a loop and he did not know what clothes of mine to hang up. We have a three section laundry hamper... his stuff (and my jeans) MY stuff (and a few things he does not wish in the dryer) and towels/sheets.
the rule is I MUST do the laundry every weekend. I do the washing and the folding... my stuff and the towels I put away His stuff I usually fold and leave his basket for him to carry up and put away. He did not like how I put his clothes away so I told him to do it himself.
Cleaning... he loved having "a maid" to clean. I hate it and as an older person with back issues I either needed him to do it (but he did not do it the way I liked) or I wanted a maid. I get a maid every other week now for the heavy cleaning but the day to day stuff... he puts his stuff away, he puts his clothes in the hamper, he wipes up the kitchen after he makes a mess.
he handles the outside stuff, he takes out the trash every week to the curb (and usually out of the house if we need him to do that) we pay a lawn guy to mow our lawn because I offered to buy him a mower so he could do it himself and he said NO....
IF I cook dinner (and I usually do) he will clean up...
I load the dishwasher he's supposed to unload it but if he's not done it and I want it emptied I do it.
and fwiw I make 38k more than he does so it's not about who earns the money...
SIT down with your guy and say "I'm resentful and I'm angry and we need to fix this or I'm going to have to leave"
and then say "we need to set HOUSE RULES"
and do it... and WRITE THEM DOWN
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (31 May 2013):
Sorry - nothing to do with the 19th Century. If one person (of either sex) is making all the money, then the other person (of either sex) had better be doing all of the work around the house. A relationship is a two way street.
My brother says all the time - I dont need a relationship that ultimately is just another bill to pay....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 I am amazed by the 19th century flavour of some answers. So if he pays the bills, he also has the right to be SERVED hands and feet, and to be a pig and a slob ?
So, if you do not split exactly 50% the costs of the household, that entitles the main provider to own the time and energies of his partner 24/7 ?... Without considering that the OP does and did contribute financially as much as she can, so , if we want to use the same meter of the respondents, she BOUGHT her 5% "slack ". And without considering, that , with his frame of mind,it is highly improbable that your bf, when you get a job and can pay your way, will suddenly turn himself into a "modern" equalitarian helpmate...
I grew up with full time MAIDS- it was their official job to serve us. Yet, I was never ( actually, nobody at home was ) allowed to leave clothes on a pile on the floor for the girl to pick up- or if I had a snack , I would automatically rinse the plate and leave it in the sink. Having domestic help is not exactly the same as owning Mamie from Gone with the Wind, and much less so cohabiting with a partner who happens ( temporarily ) to have less money than you !
Anyway, that's not the point - the point is that you feel stuck, lonely, unsupported, unhappy and all in all miserable. You got stuck with the wrong person , or maybe with a good person that though is a nightmare living with . I am sure you moved in out of " love "- and now you have seen how love is not everything to keep two people together and carry on a relationship, you also need compatibility, shared views, mutual RESPECT, and the capability of keeping your common life FUN, at least some of the time. Sure, partnership is not all about fun and frolic and amusement, but it cannot become such a heavy, soulsucking drudgery. Ergo, you've got to get unstuck, whatever it takes. Lucky for you, you have a mom who's been willing to help you in the past, she will help you again if you confide her how sad and suffocated you feel. Go back home, do find a job in your area, and next guy you meet, make sure he needs first a partner, then a laundromat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Plain & simple- LEAVE. Tell the landlord you need to cut the contract short because the relationship is not sane and healthy. Borrow from your parents and go back home honey. You know he us manipulative, controlling and irrational.... He is NOT normal. Leave Now!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): While I agree that it's only fair that you take on the bulk of the housework for now while you are not working, that does not mean you become his slave who must pick up after him whenever he demands it. It's perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to pick up his clothes or put his plate in the sink - that's what grown ups do and he should be happy to do it to help you out. He is treating you like a maid and it's not acceptable. You need to get out of there before his controlling and bullying starts to have an effect on your self esteem. Could you try speaking to your landlord to see if he can change the name to your boyfriends name only? What are the consequences of you backing out on the lease if he stays? Find that out and try to get away from him ASAP. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Since he is paying 100% of the bills, then yes, you should do 100% of the housework, not 95%. That's only fair, isn't it??
However, his looking at your texts and not letting you have friends is unacceptable. Just because he's paying for your living expenses and the roof over your head doesn't give him the right to have this degree of control over you. if you don't like it, then you're just going to have to move out and ask whoever you can (friends, family) for assistance.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 May 2013):
 My opinion is that if he's working and paying all the bills, the least you can do is the laundry and dinner, etc. If you don't like the way things are, get a job and share the household duties. Pretty simple. But to sit at home while he works and pays for everything and then still expect him to split household duties is unfair. You're in a partnership when you agree to live together. If he's the bread winner, its your responsibility to pick up the slack at home. If you don't like it, as I said, get a job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Thank you so much!This is the OP, he came home and tried to fix things, and I thought we had gotten somewhere...but I think he read my post because he started bawling loudly, and wouldnt tell what is wrong. Got dressed and left to drive really upset on his car, while ccrying. I am so scared for him, and I know that he will be upset at me for posting the question here. I am just really worried about him, ive had a nice string of healthy relationships but I am out of my element on scenes like this one. I just hope he comes home safe...it is a Thursday night on a college town and I am so worried.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Never mind your lease. You can't pay rent anyway. You are miserable and he is being a tyrant. Call your parents, pack your things, and go home.
Leave him a nice long note, just like the post you gave here.
Detail all the reasons you left.
Wish him good luck. Your parents would rather see you happy than stuck somewhere with some guy who thinks he has servant on call. We all make mistakes.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2013):
 You moved in with him. he didn't hire a live-in maid. You are NOT his wife, so you do not owe him dinner, laundry, cleaning, especially if your mom is helping you with groceries. That means he is NOT supporting you.
Listen, you need to swallow your pride, call your parents and move back home. You sunk your savings into leaving to move in with him, and he's turned into a controlling, disgusting monster. Get out while you can, and drop the pride thing, meaning you need to tell your parents what happened.
If you don't, you'll be pregnant, with no job, his looking over your phone and computer constantly, demanding that you clean the place HIS way?? No way! You're not an indentured servant! Get away from him!
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (31 May 2013):
 He's A manipulative controlling jerk its sad that its guys like that that always get the women.You need to start doing for you, get a job any job so you can be financially independent its easy for women to get jobs so just get out there and look..Get in touch with your family..even if they dont like your decision to leave with this jerk they wont hate you for it,your family wants you to come back home and get away from this guy. He has isolated you and cut you off so he can dominate and control you.you should be looking into going to college thats a good way to meet people and make friends.Lastly put your foot down... Demand respect a relation ship is an equal partner ship, he can only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. Tell him you want a job and a car..Be strong and dont be intimidated by this jerk, hes a bully and punk
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): "Please let me know what I can do to appease him, he is extremely insecure eventhough I never leave the house without him (not even once)."
Unfortunately, you are asking the impossible. His pathological insecurity has manifested in a pathological need to exert control over you, and you have ceded even more power to him due by allowing yourself to become financially dependent on him.
Given your current desperate circumstances, you have little to lose by reaching out to your parents and friends by coming clean and asking for their help in extricating you from this situation. They should be more willing to help and not judge.
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