A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello DearCupid Family,I am in pain since several months. I should tell you that your website has helped me already a lot, reading about similar cases.I am 27, and my ex, whom I met in my grande école (its the french equivalent of university) is 26. We had been together since 5 years and she is the most beautiful and gracious woman ever to have bestowed her charms upon me. She always had the attention of everyone, and she is more of an extrovert as opposed to my introvert nature. She was very attractive and almost everyone was shocked (and people still are when they find out) that she was my girlfriend, being given that I am not attractive.I have loved this woman and have been consumed by her. She was all that I ever dreamed of. We even found jobs in the same company, after our education and are still just three floors away from each other during the workday. In my opinion, everything was going very well and although we had our small fights, like every couple, but never until now something of this magnitude that makes me want to end this relation.About 7 months ago, when I entered our room (we live together since 2 and a half years) when I tried to hug her she nervously backed off a little and threw her phone on the bed. I immediately sensed taht something is not normal and I asked her what is bothering you? She didn't say anything , but when I checked her phone during the night and I found out that she had been cheating on me with a man we both know at work. The text was of ending the relation with this guy, and her telling him that she is sorry for what she did and that she will not contact him anymore. I was very sad and I had to read all the love messages that they had been sharing. My initial reaction was to wake her up in the middle of the night and get into a huge fight with her. She was frightened, and she cried and apologised the whole night and told me that its over and she is genuinely sorry for what happenned. But, I was in a rage and all I could feel for her was disgust. Not to mention, how I felt that everybody at work thinks that I am the laughing stock, since my girlfriend although in the same company, yet is shacking up with a guy at work, so it means that they have been having sex in the office. Because I am sure that in the evenings we drove home together, and in the mornings too.I went to my work alone and was distanced and silent all day, until my friends noticed somethign amiss, but I am not the one to share easily what is going on inside, so I dismissed them.My girlfriend, kept calling me and reached work and came straight to my office and offered apologies, but I felt betrayed and trachery was written all over her face.She said that she was sorry and that nothing can chagne what mistake she did and that I should try to forgive her. And I was mad for about three months, couldn't bring myself to touch her. Living in the same house became hell for me. Especially seeing that guy at work , and then my head becoming filled with images of my girlfriend and him together.And now, that the emotional time was over and I analysed everything rationally, I found out that what she and me are going through is opposite to what a relationship is supposed to do. The level of happiness a person has outside of a relationship should be lower than how happy he/she feels when they are inside a relationship. So I did what I thought the best thing and listened to my mind, rather than my heart, and broke up with her. I even read articles on why women cheat, and I found out that most experts are of the opinion that they are fulfilling a need that is being left void by their present relation. So in a sense, I was not good enough for her, so it would be better for me to leave her so that she can get what she really merits. I moved out and took my time alone. Although we still see each other at work and she has always always looked at me with sorrowful eyes and she tells her friends that she messed up. I understand all this, I even want to love her, and I do, I really do love her but it is now just like a caring feeling and none of the lust that I once felt for her when I looked at her remains. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I have suddenly lost all emotion for her. She still is the woman who first comes to mind whenever someone says âme soeur, which is french for soul-mate. But I can't seem to control my mind that whenever I see her,all those love messages, and graphic images of her and the other guy, just start flooding my system. So, this is why, in order for us to have mutual happiness I had ended the relationship.Okay... this seems to be be too long.. I will speed up...So in december, I met a new woman, my age, and she is very jovial in nature. She is amiable and renders all her surroundings in joy. She immediately increased my level of happiness and of health (since because of depression I had lost weight). I thought that I am over the past relationship and I am moving on. I really did, and I am. I took her to my favourite places to eat and we form a good pair. Although really knowing whether a couple is worth its salt requires a long time of commitment, but as far as I can judge she brings peace to me. My ex's friends told her that I am going out with a new woman and she totally freaked out. She showed up at my favourite eating bistro and humiliated me in front of my new companion by telling me that nobody moves on that fast, and that she still loves me, and please don't go, saying that she only thought that I needed time to heal on my own and so I wanted a break from the relationship. My companion was very disgusted, but I walked out with her, and thank god that I had already explained her everything.The problem now is this :My ex, is going through depression (or atleast that is what she shows me) that I am with another woman. She disturbs the balance with the new woman by reminding me, even at work, that this new one is a rebound and that I will soon come back to her. And I deny it always.The new companion is fed up of my being in the same workplace as my ex. She is insecure feeling that she is the rebound, and she genuinely thinks that my ex is prettier than her and she has admitted that this makes her nervous. She wants my total attention and I want to give it to her.Me, because I get the feeling that I am emotionally cheating this new kind woman, who accepts me even after knowing my history, by thinking about the ex and let myself be bothered by what happenned. I stopped caring, but it would have been easier if my ex didn't keep reminding me all the time.------------Tell me how can I move on with this new woman? I really want to, but my ex is too nosy and knows everything about me and keeps on making this obvious to the new woman. My ex now emotionally blackmails me that I never did truly love her that I moved on so soon. And the worst part is, she actually blames me for not being able to forgive and forget, citing examples of guys she knows who forgave their girlfriend's cheating. I am going crazy and this new woman although very generous and understanding, also needs affection and the feeling that I am only there for her, which is true. But on valentine's I got in the mail, a card from my ex and unfortunately I had gone to the letter box when my new companion was at my place. She now thinks that she really is a rebound for me to be able to move on from my ex.How to convince a woman that she is not a rebound, and that I really do intend to stay with her, and forget the past? Please don't say, like my friends, that it's impossible. Because I won't accept that, I need this woman to stay with me. To realy feel that she brought me health and mental peace when I was under stress and really needed support. I want her to know that I am very greatful, and I have tried all the routine methods like flowers and hugs and calling her chèrie (french equivalent of darling) even though its only one month since we officially committed to each other. But she has this suspicion planted in her head, and can't seem to get rid of it.
View related questions:
a break, at work, broke up, flowers, insecure, move on, moved out, my ex, text, university, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I think the fact your ex is always around is making the problem much worse for your new girlfriend. She won't be able to start moving past her insecurities until she is no longer having to deal with her on a regular basis, so I think you will need to make a conscious effort to ignore and avoid your ex wherever possible. Involve your girlfriend in this too. Make an agreement between the two of you not to think of her any more or allow her any discussion time in your lives, and as a couple tell your ex that you are both sick of her behaviour and you won't put up with it any longer. Stand united as a team! You need to make it clear to your new girlfriend and your ex that the relationship you are in now is your priority. If your ex continues to contact you after you have told her this, block her number and any social media profile pages and ignore her attempts to communicate unless it's work related. Once you have done that I think it will be much easier for you and your new girlfriend to move forward. Keep reassuring her that she is the one you want, and focus all of your time and energy on your new relationship instead of on the past. You sound like a nice, genuine guy and I think your girlfriend will accept in time that your feelings for her are genuine. The only thing that will truly convince her is time, but you can speed it along a bit by ensuring she knows you are trying your best to put the past behind you and have as little to do with your ex as possible. All the very best to you :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I am the one who asked the question.Thank you for your response "I am here to help you", especially for reading it all till the end. I imagien that it is a very long text.For clarification to what you wrote :1) Yes. There is a gap of 5 months between definite break up with the ex and my meeting the new girl. And if we count the time from when we both committed to each other as a couple then the gap is 6 months.2) I agree with what you say about going slowly and not expecting anything to last as long as the last relation. You are very right, that would be unfair of me to think so.3) What I really want is advice, given my situation, How to make her feel that she is NOT a rebound. I believe it in my bones that she isn't. But, since this concept of a rebound has taken a stronghold in her and in everybody's mind, I just wanted to know what tools are at my disposition to convince her otherwise. She is a marvel, a diamond that I have found amidst the coal. I don't want to lose her just because unfortunately there was no other girl between her and my ex. Please tell me how to convince her that its not necessary to have a rebound to feel again. or else, I fear she might just leave.4) Regarding, my ex that you say that I ignore her totally. It is impossible, since we work at the same place. Should I try to change the enterprises where we work? Is there no other way to get away from an ex who is bothering you? I want to know women's opinions on this. What do women do when they have an ex at their workplace. Surely, not everyone changes the workplace. I love my job. It's just her presence over there that troubles me.Thanks again for reading.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Es tu sur que tu aime vraiment ta nouvelle copine ou tu es just reconnaissant qu'elle t'ai accompagne aux moments ou tu n'etais pas a ton plus fort?Peut etre que c'est une erreur d'interpretation de mas part mais c'est ce a quoi ca ressemble. Si c'est le cas, tu aura du mal a lui faire croire qu'elle n'est pas un second choix.Dans le cas ou tu est vraiment amoureux d'elle, tu vas devoir donner un bon coup de gueule a ton ex pour qu'elle comprenne que tu aime ta copine actuel et qu;il est temps pour elle de continuer sa vie. Je ne recommend pas necessairement de vous engueler mais peut etre de lui montrer un aspect de la relation entre ta copine et toi, qu'il n'y a jamais eu quand tu etais avec elle. D'un cote ca lui fera comprendre qu'il y'a vraiment quelque chose de plus avec ta copine; et au meme moment, ta copine va vraiment se sentir speciale
...............................
|
