| A
age
36-40,
*
writes: Hi all,I have been with my boyfriend for just over three years now. He has been married before but his wife died of a short term illness. We have a great relationship. He is sweet, kind, generous and am really happy being with him…..except he has never said he loves me. I finally had the courage to ask him the other night and he said he does, but it’s ‘a different kind of love to what he felt for his wife’. He then went on to say he felt pressured by me asking him and he prefers to ‘show his love’, not say it. I was of the view that if he could ‘show it’ he would be ok in saying it? (at least once?) He said he couldn’t say it.I have never brought up the L word before as I thought he could say it in his own time. But I’m a bit confused why he is so against those three little words. I love this man and want to have a future with him. Do I suck it up and accept the relationship for what it is or am i wasting my time? And he actually doesn’t love me? Has anyone been in this position before? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses. It helped me see it from his point of view and we sat down and had a long chat and all is well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I can relate not personally to this, but I'll tell you my short story I have a friend called cat and she met one night the man that was to become the love of her life. He had been devastated by the death of his wife due to cancer many years before they met. He had played the field not wishing to settle down but my friend and he set up house only a few months into their relationship ( it's still going strong) but he too finds it difficult to share and express his feelings even after 7 years together .But he does love her... It's just different to how he loved his wife ( see the similarities ?) he finds it difficult to open up, he admitted this to me as I'm a mental health nurse with COSCA diploma as well.. He also has the fear that if he truly lets her in ... That maybe he will lose her, she will leave in some form or another and that pain he felt when he lost his wife he could not cope with again.I feel your bf maybe having these issues too, I will say what advice I gave my friend as I do feel these have parallel links. If he hasn't had grief counselling now is the time, he should go along at the beginning but you should also join in the sessions at some point.. He needs support and your love, tell him you love him, fear of a word becomes a fear itself so openly show him and say it .. Give him time he needs this... Tell him that your not going to leave him.. And depending on him religious conventions you can say neither has his wife not really .. Death as they say Death is only an old doorSet in a garden wallOn gentle hinges it gives, at duskWhen the thrushes callAlong the lintel are green leavesBeyond the light lies still;Very willing and weary feetGo over that sillThere is nothing to trouble any heart;Nothing to hurt at all.Death is only a quiet door.In an old wall.By Nancy Byrd Turner, And when we pass everyone that we have loved waits and comes to us... She would have wanted him to live and love and you must get him to focus on this.. He has a right to mourn her and if you can see that and not feel threatened by it, he will begin to open up his heart ..Take care treacle, and take things slow...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 My dad lost his wife of 48 years after a terminal illness... he NEVER left her side and even though she BEGGED HIM TO REMARRY (I was in the room and watched this) he told her "I will date, I might even live with someone but I'll never get married again"... and 4 months after my mom died he met the woman he is still with nearly 18 years later, they live as husband and wife, they own property together, I refer to her as my stepmother for folks that don't know the family because for all intents and purposes she is my stepmom... but he will not marry her..... does not mean he does not care about my SM.
My husband, I love him. He loves me. I KNOW he loves me... he rarely tells me. He told me twice before we got married, he told me at the wedding as part of his vows and he said it to me the other night (he's going through some rough medical times now and he's more dependent on me than usual)....
I know he loves me... and I do miss hearing it but I also know that he shows me how he loves me with acts of service.
I learned from a great book called "the five languages of love" http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ that not everyone uses words to express love...some use gifts, some use acts of service, some use time.... you have to figure out what your love language is and what his is...
once i realized that my husband is one who knows I love him by my doing things for him, I willingly carry more of the weight for the home care.... it's how he knows I love him.... and I look at what he does for me to know how he loves me...
...............................
A
female
reader, cupcakefrosting28 +, writes (19 February 2013):
 I'm torn with my answer because a part of me wants to tell you you are wasting your time since it's been three years and he is comparing his love of you to his wife's. But then the other part of me is saying ok it's been 3 years and the relationship is going well. If he didn't love you then I don't think he would have kept a relationship for that long. Maybe he is better at just showing it and that will just have to be something you have to accept about him. If you're serious about wanting a future with him then you'll just have to accept it for what it is. But if you want more and want the L word then you might need to seek out another love.
...............................
|
