A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:After almost 2 and a half years my partner decided to end things out of the blue about 6 weeks ago. I am heartbroken and shocked. It's now been a week since I moved out of our joint apartment and he texts me constantly. He hasn't deleted our relationship status on Facebook and he keeps "tagging" me in posts and liking pictures of us together.We talked about the split a few times before I moved out and every time he seemed pretty certain that it was what he wanted. However when I probed he could never give me a straight answer as to why- always coming up with different reasons.He fits the category of being a commitment phobic- my question is, how do I clarify the situation? I still want him and would give anything for him to reconsider, and especially now when we still act as if nothings changed between us I need to know where I stand.I don't want to sever all contact but acting like nothings changed, especially if he just sees us as friends now, isn't going to work out in the long run for me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): "how do I clarify the situation?"
What do you need to clarify? He dumped you.
"I still want him and would give anything for him to reconsider, and especially now when we still act as if nothings changed between us I need to know where I stand."
If acting as if nothing's changed means you're still sleeping with him, then you should know exactly where you stand: He wants all the benefits of a relationship (regular sex while enjoying the freedom to also get laid elsewhere) with none of responsibilities (obligation or commitment). If not, then I suspect he's cultivating you as a fallback Plan B should he fail to get laid elsewhere.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 so he decided to end things and you moved out...
but nothing else has changed right?
but you don't want this... you want him as your boyfriend or not at all right? Because let me tell you there is NO NEED and no reason for you to be friends with him.
It has to be all or nothing. It's one thing to be FRIENDLY and civil after a break up but I rarely see former partners remaining friends after a break up that both did not want.
YOU don't want this break up and he's not ready to let you go so you are going to have to bite the bullet and force his hand.
YOU need to SHAKE UP HIS WORLD and make him think about what he wants since clearly he's not sure either.
I know you don't want to do this but I think the ONLY way to see what's really going on is to go 100% NO CONTACT.
You delete him from social media. BLOCK HIM so he can't see you at all. I would also like you to block him on phone and email too. AT bare minimum (since I doubt you will actually block him) you are To NOT ENGAGE with him at all. NO commenting on things, no replying to texts, no replying to emails.
IF he has NO access to you and he wants you he's going to have to come find you. THE harder you make it for him to have ANY feedback about you (that means having his friends contact you or seeing if you READ a message) the sooner you will get the answer you need.
You want to clarify where you stand... well in order to do that you have to cut him off 100%
Back in 1981 I was dating a man and I wanted to be married to him. He was not interested. I said fine and ended the relationship. This was before email or cell phones. I told him I wanted him and I couldn't cope and ended it. I started dating others casually. I came home from a date one night about a week or two later and there was a letter TAPED to my front door (yeah that's how we did things back in the dark ages).... it was him admitting he was wrong. And asking me for that commitment.
I married him. He fathered my two children... and sadly 8 years later we split up.. .quite amicably I might add.
Sometimes we don't even realize we want something that's right there until we risk losing it.
Bite the bullet, go no contact, you will get your clarification in short order.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): What type of advice do you expect; when you claim you don't want to sever ties with a person who has dumped you?
Here's what is logical to do in your situation. You delete him from Facebook, delete his phone number, and you avoid reading his FB updates. You must accept you are frustrating yourself by clinging to someone who just likes to socialize with you on social media; but went as far as to move you out!
You are going to remain in emotional limbo, you will be unable to go through the normal detachment process; and you will remain miserable until you bring yourself to let go.
You're hanging on to false-hope. You cannot detach; because you want to stay in touch waiting for him to take you back.
He wants to date other people. He is just staying in touch out of guilt. He doesn't want to see you angry or sad. Least of all, bad-mouthing him to your friends. He just wants a peaceful breakup. Not you. He publicizes everything on Facebook because he is a social person. He can't afford to have a breakup dampen his social-life. He can't look like a heartless jerk who dumped his girlfriend. So he has to be charming and sweet to you.
I will step-aside and allow the other aunts and uncles to give their advice. Mine is most likely to be the advice you will be less receptive to.
However; my advice often gets a delayed reaction from people. I get personal messages that they didn't want to listen or finally read it, and it worked for them.
I've been dumped and I'm recovered. I know exactly how you feel. You're in shock and in a the denial phase of a breakup. Been there and done that.
I wrote articles as I went through different phases; and I also did a lot of reading and research. It took time and a lot of effort to get through it. The most important part was detaching, ending contact, avoiding all reminders of my ex. I turned my energies to focusing on myself, my survival,
my family and friends, and self-improvement. Breaking up with a person is also ending a love-addiction. So it is very tumultuous and agonizing.
I'm here to tell you, it's a hard process and rough road to travel. The end result is, you'll get over him and you'll find someone else. You don't want to end contact out of fear he could change his mind. You'll suffer waiting. Watching him meet other women, and moving on without you.
You don't want to be "just friends." You want an excuse to hang on to him, and a reason to remain in his life. That's settling for crumbs. You really want to be his girlfriend.
Problem is, that's not what he wants.
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