A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, 6 months ago I fell deeply for a man who is 16 years older than me who works in the same building and department as me. He began speaking to me online while I was on holiday from work and we got close chatting and joking and staying up all night talking. Everyday we chatted for hours, he'd tell me all sorts about his life, his music, his child. I returned to work after my holiday and he began chatting even more but in person, going out for lunch, but keeping it on the secret.I found out he was engaged, which put me off him, but because I'd already fallen for him I was stupid and couldn't help having feelings for him. He told me he "loved" me and felt like he was in a mess and couldn't stop thinking about me. Showered me with all the compliments in the world, made me feel brilliant, I felt confident and truly happy for the first time in my life.. So we eventually met up after work, had a few drinks and kissed a lot. Nothing happened he dropped me home, carried on still chatting. About a month or two later we had sex. I stayed over in his hotel room and we spent the night together chatting and joking, staring right into my eyes like no one ever has..he had me 100% I would have done anything for him. We occasionally met up after this once or twice, sex and drinks. He started to act more arrogant and jokey at work, and less polite to me, started to become my definition of a sociopath. To most he isn't good looking, he's short, chubby, but to me he's perfect. Seems to have women in the office flirting with him a lot though. Anyway, after a few more months of not seeing each other due to his other commitments (gym, male colleagues) he started to chat less to me, he seems less interested, he'll flirt with women at work while I'm there to make me jealous, tells me I'm scared to fall in love with him and tells me that I'd love his last name and his child. Yet he hardly talks to me anymore then tells me that I'm the one who's ignoring him?? I also think he might be seeing other women too but he strongly denies it. Sorry I'm blabbing on now.... Anyway so I met with him last night, haven't met up with him in about 2 months. We have sex again. And we lay there and he asks me why I'm sad. He always asks why I'm sad. I burst into uncontrollable tears and I can't tell him. He then proceeds to talk about his wedding he is planning all night . After he dropped me home after drinks, I started crying before I left the car, I wanted to tell him how much I love him and how much I wish he loved me back and wish he noticed me but I couldn't do that. I got out of the car sobbing my heart out and got into my house and I notice he took the time to log into Facebook but no time to just send me on quick text saying goodnight. I'm 21 years old by the way. How do I end this affair with him??? I'm frightened he'll tell everyone at work or make my life a misery with blackmail..... How do I end this heartache??? I never stop thinking about this man, I love him to pieces but he's completely destroyed me as a person. I need to end this, I can't do this anymore, I've made myself physically ill with the stress of it all.Please don't be too harsh, I've been trying my hardest to forget him but he's always there at work reminding me. I've spent. I just need the advice or just someone to talk to about this because I've bottled it all up for so long :-( Thank you for reading this. It really means so much .
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affair, at work, engaged, facebook, flirt, jealous, on holiday, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): Hi everyone,
Original poster here,
I have a bit of good news, I found a new job, I was offered a good pay rise and good potential for progression so I've taken it!
He is very angry with me for taking the job though. I feel upset but I have to move on from all this. I feel very sad to leave him behind, but it would never come to anything anyway but hurt for me.
So hopefully, I can put this all behind me and move on!
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 February 2014):
 You're worried *he's* going to talk? He has so much more to lose than you. He's the dirty cheater, and if he starts flapping his gums at work, it could get back to his fiancee at home. You could tell her too, especially how he hid the fact that he was engaged from you at first to get into your pants. You hold the cards here - he'll lose everything if his behavior gets home to his fiancee and she drops him.
You feel bad because he used you. He seduced you with lies about his feelings and such. The words "I'm confused" and "I love you" are catnip to mistresses who otherwise wouldn't tolerate such a user of women.
Time to stop feeling bad and start feeling anger and disgust. If more women were smarter and didn't put up with cheaters, the better the world would be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): Great answer youwish.. I think I need to get some guts. I just worry that he'll tell everyone about us at work. But you are right, it's time to break off. I've never felt this bad in my whole life. I don't know what he's done to me but it's hit me hard :-(
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2014):
Any time a guy wants something kept secret, and there isn't an obvious reason, it means he's cheating. The reason the sex was so good at first was because it was illicit. Stolen apples taste sweeter.
He is a user of women. He used you and knew how to say the right words. He used you until he got tired of you, and crying is a "string" that he doesn't want to be bothered with, because he's not really interested in your feelings.
He brought out the Love word because it tends to make women more willing in bed. Of course he is seeing other women - a cheater is a cheater, which brings me to your question:
How do you break off the affair? Tell him to leave him alone or you'll tell his fiance what a cheating dog he is. As for your emotions, starve them. Stop pining for him and see him for what he really is. You say you know he is a jerk? Then your actions should fall in line with how jerks should be treated, and that's with disdain.
Don't talk to him! Don't even consider him! Tell him you're tired of being a dirty secret, and that you're through. Anything else is masochistic on your part. You already know that there is absolutely no hope that he'll ever treat you better than how he is treating you, so starve your emotions, stop feeding them by seeing him, block him on Facebook, avoid him like the plague at work unless you are forced to interact with him, and do all of the above for a sustained amount of time. If possible, changing jobs or getting transferred out of his department or out of the building will do wonders. Dating co-workers, especially cheating ones, is really dangerous to your livelihood, especially for someone like you who gets emotionally out of control, which affects your job.
You break it off by truly breaking it off irreparably. None of the half-ass, stay friends, stay in contact, hoping he'll say sweet nothings to get you to be wishy-washy and tumble back into bed only to loathe yourself afterwards. Stop crying over him, and start seeing that he isn't worth crying about. Think about what he's doing to his poor kid! His fiance who is about to waste her youth and beauty on this disgusting stain. Why is THAT worth your tears??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): Thanks for your answers, I'm going to stop talking to him about stuff not involving work I think. Yes he is a jerk , and I'm so angry at myself. Really angry I let it get this far, I'm usually smart but when it comes to this I'm pretty dumb!
Apparently time heals heartache but I'll just have to see. :-(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): He's a jerk judging from the way he cheated on his fiance and the way he treats you. But i'm sure you know this.You are young so when you feel, you feel strongly, passionately and irrationally. You know that he's not a good catch. You know that even if he'd chosen you, he'd probaly still flirt with women at work and cheat on you. So you know that in the long run, it's best for you not to be involved with him.But you feel so strongly about him. I've been there darling, it gets better. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop talking to him about anything that's not work. You will miss his attention ofcourse, but you will feel proud of yourself for having broken free. Trust me, you will feel a sense of relief because right now you are walking around carrying a dirty secret and lots of guilt which are making you anti-social and lowering your self esteem. If it's you that breaks up with him (not easy), you will feel empowered and the secret will slowly fade. The longer you go ignoring his existence,the better you'll feel.You've made bad choices, but we all make mistakes. You have to be strong and move on from this. If he doesn't stop pestering you, you could threaten to tell his fiance if he doesn't leave you alone.Good luck. Be brave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): You've got to get yourself off the floor, and be a strong woman. You need to tell him, face to face, a phone call, or whatever. You need to tell him, that this has to stop. He's got a woman. Tell him she doesn't deserve to be cheaten on, and you don't deserve to be that girl he's cheating with. You need to have faith in yourself, girl. Don't let him get to you. Find another guy, who's single and who actually loves you! Not to make him jealous, though it probably would, find a person who'll keep you happy. Good luck, x!
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