A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Some people have that magnetic quality to them, you know "it" that something that makes people want to be near them, to chat to them or be their friend.They arent always the most outgoing or attractive people, they may or may not be funny or witty, they may be quieter, but people at times flock to them like moths to a flame.. what is it?I know (and do this) about listening, not being all ego, smiling, making things about them not you,asking questions etc etc. the simple social things.. This works better for some people than others. Id like to try and be more magnetic to others, don't want to be "popular", just want to try and make myself a little more like a few people I know who are like this, they arent super popular but they have something special.. I'm all alone, with no family near by, friends are busy and though I see them sometimes, they have their own issues/life as we all do.New yr new start, I want to bottle a little of "it"how can I get just a little? Im not talking about a personality transplant, Im quieter and I can only be me! but.. I know some ppl have it, that magnetic something.. some people don't..is it wrong to want just a little? answers appredciated thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (9 January 2014):
I disagree that you are born with 'it' and believe charisma can be learned like any other skill. I actually read an interview once with a university lecturer who had studied this for years before writing a book about it. She believes that charisma, or that special something that some people have, actually comes down to a learned set of behaviours that anyone can master if they are willing to put the effort in. I'm afraid I don't know a great lot more, but her book was called something like the charisma myth I think. I'm sure if you google it you could find more information on it without having to get the book. Let us know how you get on :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): Coming up through high school; being a gay man, I wanted to fly below the radar. Making good grades to get out of high school, and into college was all I wanted.
Weirdly, girls seemed to like me a lot. Although I wasn't very outgoing, people always included me in their social groups. I was a loner by nature; but people just didn't stop approaching me. If they knew how scared I was, they never let on. I was afraid that a slipped gesture, or light tone in my voice would be a giveaway that I was gay.
I was always self-conscious of my masculinity. Yet my friends never made any commentary about it. Oh, my older brothers didn't mind using the word sissy. That's to be expected. It did give me some immunity coming from people I didn't know.
I didn't like how the effeminate boys were treated at school. I didn't want to be one of them. I tried very hard not to be. I felt guilty, because I was liked; but I was the same as they were. So I just decided to make friends and be seen publicly. To see what the reaction would be. The blatant bullying just faded; but didn't entirely go away. I was called fem-boy and girlfriend; but nothing too harmful. Gay rights was just hitting fever pitch by this time, and attitudes were changing anyway. Elton John made it cooler.
I wanted nothing more, but to lay low and not be noticed. I was afraid my secret about being gay would be discovered.
If they knew, no one seemed to care. I started dating girls.
Of course I encountered bullies; but I'm a natural scrapper. I have older brothers that affectionately picked on me; and made me stand up for myself. It came natural.I was lowest on the family food chain amongst the males. I was between the oldest and youngest. A difficult position
in a large family.
I was terrified of the attention and couldn't figure it out. I got party invitations and asked to the prom. I was mortified!!! My parents wouldn't hear of me turning down the opportunities. They were of the old-school, dignified, and you respected their wishes. That, or pay the consequences.
I decided in order to be more of a "man," that I should join the military. It would toughen myself in order to make it easier to blend in with other guys. So I thought.
In the military, I was still well liked, but made no particular effort. It passed on through college. I started to appreciate attention and being liked. I made many friends, of whom I still have to this day. We are older, wiser, and our friendships are solid.
I listen to people, and make them feel at ease around me. I try not to judge, but I am human. I, to this day, do not know what it is that makes people tell me the most intimate details about themselves; or confide in me.
I decided to use it to help people. I guess it's something you're given, not that you can actually force to happen.
It was hard when there were folks I just don't care for, and they took my distancing myself as snobbery. Everybody didn't like me, I couldn't like everybody either. So distance was my remedy to that. Physically and emotionally.
I don't know if you could call it an "it" factor. It's just a thing in your personality that nature put there to draw people to you. I guess you might call it my calling. To reach people and to give them peace. I once saw it as a curse; because I wanted to hide who I really am. It was instead my ticket to freedom. A blessing.
Magnetism comes in different forms, and everyone has it to some degree. You just have to know how to tap into it, or recognize it. Like any natural-born personality trait, you can't go around comparing who you are to other people.
That's where we create insecurities and lose our self-confidence.
We are all different and have to use what we're given to our fullest advantage. Nature's little gifts that make us special and different.
There are smart people, there are endearing people, and there is a full range of personalities that appeal to
humanity in many different ways. This diversity is what makes us unique; yet as people, our emotions are entirely the same.
Having confidence and liking who you are; makes you a more welcoming and accommodating human being. People recognize the trait quickly. They will openly acknowledge it to you.
Too many people these days worry about their looks, their body-image, their financial status, and make all sorts of reasons to hate who they are. They blaspheme nature; because they weren't born beautiful and perfect. They are toxic to their own souls. So life seems bitter and hard.
All self-inflicted. They want to blame everybody else.
It's amazing how the nastiest people don't seem as insecure. They really don't care what people think of them. Yet they stand out, and get a lot of undue attention. Many get TV and radio talk-shows. People flock to them. It's amazing how narcissism can draw people in so easily. So being nice or beautiful, aren't the only reasons people can be pulled towards you.
I guess if you're just open to people, they see that something in you that makes them like to be around you.
If you can relate to their suffering, empathize with their pain, respect their spirit; and be honest with them. They tend to want to be closer to you.
By the same token; if you share their hatred and destructive spirit; you can still be a magnet to those that harbor darker souls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): I am The poster
I OFTEN nearly always engage the other person to chat about them, but it never works for me, some ppl have an amazing quality
I do try!!!! im nice and never desperate or nasty
id just like others to try too, why does it work for those special ppl
and some of us have next to nothing..
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Sorry but you can't learn to have that "it" quality. If you could, everyone would learn it!
But you can learn to be more interesting and engaging. Most people love to talk about themselves, and the more interested in them you are, the more interesting they will find you. There's a perfect ratio you can find of mostly asking about them, and occasionally giving them a vulnerable little tidbit (nothing serious or deep, just some little secret or something that makes them feel like they're "in" with you). People love to talk about their jobs, hobbies, kids, significant others, just get them comfortable talking about themselves. Laugh at their jokes enough they feel funny, but not like you're trying to get in their pants. Just get out and practice listening and asking about them.
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