A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were in a two-year long distance relationship (we met online) which ended very badly about five months ago. What ended it is that I was emotionally cheating, which I didn't know at the time, but which came out in a series of terrible arguments, where I initially broke up with him, then he broke up with me, then I begged him, he took me back for a day or two, and then broke up with me again, all with as much screaming (his end) and crying (my end) that you might imagine. The long distance was quite long-- a twelve hour drive, which meant we only saw each other every other month. Also, at the time, I was very isolated socially and this guy I was emotionally cheating with was my only friend.. we tried going out after my ex and I broke up, but we were basically just friends and I could never stop thinking about my ex. The "other guy" was essentially just an emotional replacement for the guy I really loved and wanted to be with, but couldn't be due to distance. Now, every month or so since breaking up with my ex, I've tried resuming contact, to try to be friends, because he's so much a part of me, that I still can't imagine living without him completely. All goes well for a while... and by "well," I mean "awkwardly,"... we would email once every week or two, and then start arguing. Now I think it's different, because I really think that all that passion that makes love turn to hate has finally dissipated, at least for him, and that he really doesn't have any strong feelings for me anymore. I still have feelings for him, but I don't want to let them get in the way of a friendship, and I still dream of one day having another chance with him, which will never happen if we can't be friends now. Now, even if I get over that little dream/delusion, I'd like to be able to talk with him, to know him, to be a friend.. but how? The distance put a strain on our relationship when we were in love, so how do you remain friends with someone who 1) lives far away, in a place you'd never have reason to go except to visit them, and 2) is an ex you're still crazy about? I don't have a good track record with staying friends with exes or with friends who live far away, so I don't even know where to begin on this. He says I can "drop him a line anytime," but is this just civility, or does this make it okay to drop him a line asking what books he's reading and to tell him about a movie I think he might like? Would it be weird to ask him? I mean, I don't want to bother him or freak him out, but usually, when I abide by that desire with people, I end up distancing them because I simply stop speaking to them, for fear of "freaking them out." Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Confuddled77  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 When my long distance boyfriend, who meant the world to me, broke up with me two weeks ago...I too didn't want to let go, but wanted to remain friends. I told him this and he said of course. I talked to him the other day to get rid of the awkwardness but it seems like I'm doing all the work and him not wanting to get in touch with me is his way of saying, even though he hasn't said so directly, that he doesn't really want to be friends. That he just wants to forget what we had and move on. I've decided to give him this and so am moving on with my life, as hard as it is cause I still think about him 24/7 and I'm still madly inlove with him. But it's not worth it if the other party isn't willing to put effort into it. As much as you still want to stay in touch with him, I'd advise you not to. He's clearly wanting you not to even though he says it's not a problem. Cut off all contact, get rid of his email address, phone numbers, MSN whatever and move on with your life. If he wants to be with you, he'll make the effort to contact you.
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