A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, was hoping for some advice. Preferably advice from anyone living in the UK for various reasons of which I’ll get to, but of course any advice would be appreciated. Basically I’m single for the first time in my adult life. I was with my previous girlfriend/fiancé since we were 13. Sadly we broke up just after Christmas. We had been arguing a lot but I really wasn’t expecting it when she told me she hadn’t been happy for ages and wanted to break up. In all honesty though we had been growing apart for a while, I was just being quite ignorant and couldn’t see it for myself. Even though she was right about us breaking up it took a good 5 months or so for me to really accept it, but now I feel like I’m finally ready to move on and try to find someone else. Whilst I’ve got plenty of relationship experience under my belt, I feel kind of lost when it comes to how to act when meeting girls. All I literally said to my ex when we first met was that she was really fit and 5 minutes later we were sticking our tongues down each other’s throats round the back of a church hall at a birthday party (Young love eh?). We were together for 9 years after that and were childhood sweethearts. I highly doubt that approach would work for me now though…I do feel like the landscape has changed a lot more ever since the #MeToo movement began a few years ago. Not that I’m saying it was wrong or anything, what a lot of women have suffered is a shameful example of how some men can be and how many of them either have no idea what the boundaries are, or worse don’t even care about them. I met plenty of scumbag men like that at Uni. But I do feel like it’s created a view that ALL men are like that, which is most definitely not true of course. Now I feel like women are being taught to be more and more wary of every man they come across. I think what makes this even more apparent is the fact that earlier this year in the UK a woman was abducted and murdered whilst walking home at night by a serving policeman of all people. It was an absolutely awful thing to happen and no doubt created a new wave of anxiety and fear amongst women towards men in the UK, which again is totally understandable. I’m generally a confident person but now I feel like I have no idea about what the right way of approaching women is or what to say to girls online on sites like Tinder. I mean should I just walk up to a girl I find attractive and say hi? How long should I give it before suggesting meeting up with anyone I talk to online? I just don’t know.Here’s an example; I was at the gym on Saturday night and it was pretty dead, there was only a handful of people there, most probably because it was the night of the Champions League Final. I was just doing some stretches on my own in the upstairs section of the gym and a girl came in and started working out near me. We were the only two in that area at the time. She was really pretty and definitely my type, but purely because we were on our own I felt really unsure about whether I should try and chat her up or even talk to her just to be friendly because I felt like she’d be wary of me or get the wrong end of the stick and think I was a creep. What didn’t help either was the fact that on TV screens around the gym they were advertising something called the ‘Good Guys Guide’ which was basically advice for men on how to act around women who are walking home on their own at night. It gave step by step guidance like not approaching her, not walking behind her, crossing the street if you’re heading in the same direction so she knows you’re not following her and even speaking to someone on the phone so she can hear where you are. On the one hand I totally understand that walking home alone in the dark can be very nerve wracking for a woman and the last thing I’d ever want to do if I was in that position was make her feel like she was in danger, but at the same time I think putting stuff like that on TV screens in places like gyms only serves to paint a negative picture of men in general. If anyone gets the chance, look it up and see it for yourself. Would love to know your opinions on it.I’d have hated for that girl to have thought she was in danger being alone with me in the gym, so much so that I didn’t end up talking to her and may have missed a good opportunity to meet someone. Am I just overthinking things or is this just how it is in this day and age?
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broke up, christmas, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2021): At your age it is normal to lack experience with women and relationships, and quite normal that this is the first time in your life you have been single! Big deal. You need to become more mature and realistic about life my sweet. You do not learn how to talk to women. What suits one woman will not suit the rest. One will be easier, one will be more obliging, one will be less argumentative, one will be less demanding. But that one is probably the one that the other guys do not want, the one left on the shelf and unwanted because she is older, fatter, bad skin, boring, no good at sex or frigid. All people offer swings and roundabouts, all relationships do. You cannot get every woman you fancy. BE REALISTIC. I find a lot of men expect women to down date. Expecting women to make do with a boring man, a married man, an unemployed man or a man in a crap job, a much older man, a man with a lot of problems or baggage, a man with debts, serious health problems, someone who has a lot less to offer than them, and then wonder why that does not work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2021): I think it's fine to just say hi, that you noticed her in the gym a few times and ask if she fancies getting a coffee after her workout or another time. If you find it awkward to start a conversation you could always ask her advice on something (e.g. "do you know how to switch on this exercise machine"?) and then follow with "thanks, now I owe you a drink... how about we get one after your workout?". It only becomes a problem if she rejects you, and then you carry on pestering her, following her home, messaging her constantly, etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2021): As a young woman who has been harassed, bothered etc. you name it (as has every single other woman I know), your #notallmen self centred attitude is frankly insulting. The fact that YOU are feeling insulted by a guide on how to make women feel less intimidated says it all. Trust me, women do NOT need to be "taught" to be more wary of men, maybe you should ask your sisters and female friends how often they have been followed or harassed out and about. Even just Google street harassment in the UK. You have a disturbing lack of regard for womens' safety. If you approach a woman respectfully, not creepily following her around or getting annoyed if she doesn't want to talk to you (for WHATEVER reason) she probably won't have an issue. You need to focus on if she seems comfortable talking to you or not and not if it is "fair" or "right," you DON'T get to police womens' feelings because #notallmen. I myself gave my number to two different guys at the gym, years apart. The first one started off flirting through insults - blocked - he ended up waiting for me outside and trying to follow me home. The second one started swearing at me via text after I didn't want to go to his place early on. I had to change gyms.I have now refrained from giving my number to strangers - no, not all of them will be like that, but it's not worth the risk. If you can't see why this is a PERFECTLY good attitude for women to take in prioritising their safety you need to stop feeling so entitled for strangers to TRUST you. You would be wise to focus on flirting RESPECTFULLY, learning how to read people and when to apologise and take yourself elsewhere.What is concerning about your post is that you seem to think your "right" to talk to random women and get a "good opportunity to meet them" trumps their right to feel safe. Educate yourself. Sexual harassment has always been an issue, in "this day and age" people are merely standing up to it instead.I advise you google #NotAllMen and why your view on things is insulting.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 June 2021):
 Stop overthinking it. Don't view women just as potential girlfriends but rather as potential friends. Once you are at that point, it is far easier to ask them out for a date.
Don't be afraid to admit you have little experience of dating. You have dated one girl in your life. And no, the childish unsophisticated approach which worked at 13 is unlikely to go down well in your 20s, lol.
While most women will be flattered to be told they are attractive, it is HOW you say things as much as WHAT you say that matters. Say it lightly, with a smile on your face, and then back off, and most women will be happy to accept the compliment. Say it with a leer on your face, while drooling and eying them up and down, and it is likely you get get yourself a smacked face and the back view of a woman as she disappears into the distance.
Be friendly. Smile. Show an interest in ladies you meet. Be lighthearted. Don't wade in too heavy. Back off if it doesn't feel right or if the lady in questions looks uncomfortable or uninterested. Enjoy being single until the right lady comes along.
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