A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:8 months ago we had a lovely foreign family move in opposite us. The lady is a cake maker and she showed me a portfolio of all her cakes and they look amazing.On a couple of occasions she has asked to use our flowers that we have in our front garden to decorate her cakes and we agreed that she could. Unfortunately now what seems to be happening is that she is just coming to help herself to our flowers, whenever she wants….My husband saw her a couple of times taking flowers- he assumed that I had agreed it with her (I didn’t) so he didn’t say anything. We also checked our cctv and she’s been over at-least 5 times. We both work from home which she knows so she can come ask us any time but what we don’t want her doing is just coming to take them whenever she pleases. Also there’s some big gaps in the bushes where she’s taking the flowers - which doesn’t look nice. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but we need to rectify this.We both work at the back end of the house so it’s not as if we know when she’s in our front garden and we can’t monitor it 24/7.We don’t want to upset her or anything so we need some advice on how to tell her to ask us before she takes the flowers without causing any issues.We think she may have mis interpreted us telling her she can take our flowers when she asked, as though she can help herself whenever she wants, which we didn’t.TIA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2023): The mistake you made was in telling her she could have flowers from your garden. How was she to know how many and how often? She will assume whatever suits her, especially when you are not picking them for your own use. Some people think of flowers as being used for ornamental use or cooking and cannot see the point to them otherwise. If she lives where you live she must have her own garden, she should grow her own flowers there. She sells her produce and makes money from it so she should grow or buy whatever goes into those items. Not expect you to subsidise her expenses so she can make profits.
If you can be hard then tell her that you will happily let her have such and such in the way of flowers if she gives you whatever you fancy from the stuff she produces, some sort of definite guaranteed swap. Not her taking all the time, and you giving all the time, and not where it might be one tiny thing in return for five hundred flowers. That is what I would do, but I doubt you can be that way or you would have been harder already. In the grand scheme of things it is not one of the biggest problems in the World and I wonder why you needed the opinion of strangers, that shows a lack of confidence in your own opinions and ideas.
If you are able to give good advice and figure out people accurately and in a helpful way based on one email then you should come to my website at askagonyauntsadviceonline.com and earn good money from it. You can read and reply to letters as you can here but you can also charge. Some of the people who use the site are only interested in doing it that way. They want it to be guaranteed, discreet, fast and well done. Not hoping that someone responds, hoping they do it quickly and hoping they are sensible.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2023): My answer might sound very opinionated. Let me first disclaim that this post is personally triggering for me because I get really annoyed with people like this. They are usually raised with too much liberty by parents who probably never taught them to feel embarrassed about taking advantage of other people. And in general, I'm done empathizing with those who are raised to be selfish and give two hoots about other people.
Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.
This must be her habit- taking it very lightly that she's exploiting someone. I strongly suggest you tell her- do not concern yourself with being too polite or being subtle. Tell her very directly that you prefer the flowers being on your plants and to leave them on the plants. Don't give any reasons. It's likely she's going to be butt-hurt and whine about it- or even start acting differently with you. Remind yourself that you don't need to please spoiled people like this.
Why I say this is- 1. the boundaries become very unclear with people like her. 2. Sorry but she sounds a bit too scheming. I would stay away from someone like her..no matter how nice she seems otherwise. She came over to show pictures of her cake making just so she could use your flowers- not to make friends with you genuinely.
3. I would predict her to be offended anyway. She might pretend to not be.. but her behaviour tells that she feels that the flowers 'belong' on her cake more than as decor for your home. In her head, it has a greater purpose on her cake. Although you're the one who grows it, waters it and takes care.. Very likely she thinks that she deserves to have it more than you. Or she wouldn't be leaving such gaps and taking so many of them- surely she's not baking a whole factory of cakes.
4. You need to draw boundaries already with her. This can happen with several other matters. It won't be long before she finds more ways you can be of use to her.
Yes, I have judged her quite harshly here. Because this does not sound to me like a mis-understanding. I think it is purely taking advantage of people when they cannot say no to certain things and not having enough self respect to restrain.
TBH, I would feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed to do what she's doing. If someone has something in abundance, I would still not feel comfortable taking it from them all the time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2023): I second honeypies suggestion about telling her you have sprayed the flowers with pesticides that should definitely put an end to using your flowers in her cakes??. or tell her openly to ask you first from which parts of the garden to take flowers so that no gaps are left in the bushes.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 August 2023):
 People like her absolutely infuriate me! We had a neighbour of ours (she was and is a good friend of my mother's) do the same but my mom was very firm with her. She said that you can ask me once in a while and I'll pluck the flowers that you need but please don't make it a habit because it makes the garden look bare and also, the other neighbours will start taking the same liberties as well and we don't want that to happen.
The message was conveyed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2023): I'm on your side! It's disgusting. What's wrong with people today! She's making money out of your garden & taking advantage of your kindness. Rubs me the wrong way.
I would pop over and tell her you've decided it's best she leaves your flowers and find another way to decorate her cakes in future. You want to leave the flowers there for the bees, birds and butterflies.
I can imagine, like me, confrontation wouldn't be something you find easy. It's the right thing to do though, and if you use the birds & bees as your reason, I can't see how anyone could argue it.
Good luck. Take care of you & your lovely flower garden.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2023): "Unfortunately now what seems to be happening is that she is just coming to help herself to our flowers, whenever she wants…."
You know what? I would take over to her a few pots of lovely plants for her to plant and use for her cakes as an ouverture into telling her that our garden cannot respond to her professional cake-maker needs.
I would also give her a good florist address.
It could be an honest mistake, a difference in cultures, or she could be abusing your kindness.
If she gets angry or sullen, you'll know.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 August 2023):
 She is taking a liberty with your flowers and taking advantage of your good nature.
You just can't stroll onto someone elses property and take a bunch of flowers, so much to the extent it leaves gaps in your garden, she is out of order and this needs to stop.
I feel maybe you and your husband need to go over there and talk to her in a very friendly and polite manor and tell her she needs to stop taking your flowers.
Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, if you upset her well thats the way it will have to be, but i think that you must say something sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2023): Agree with the last poster, suggest you tell her you've had to spray the flowers with pesticide and in that conversation mention that you want to keep and enjoy the flowers yourself. Hopefully she will get the message from this. If she is selling the cakes she can just buy flowers or grow them herself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 August 2023):
 "We don’t want to upset her or anything "..
SHE knows this. That is why she got so bold.
Go over and tell her she has been setting off your CCTV alarm when she comes over and "helps" herself to your flowers. That you do not want her taking your flowers anymore, without ASKING first.
Or you can go tell her that you had to spray the flowers with either MANURE (plants love a little sh!t) or pesticides and they are no longer OK to put on a cake.
(make a show of using a watering can while wearing gloves!)
She probably won't ask after that.
Some people are like this, you give an inch and they feel entitled to your whole yard of flowers.
She can GO BUY flowers for decorations Or... better yet... grow her own!
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