A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My "100% gay" boyfriend used to be in a relationship with a woman and had a son with her. How can i accept this child? It's testing me apart that now WE can never have that first child experience. What do i do?And please don't say "get over it" -- that type of advice doesn't help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): So_very_confused -
Thank you SO much for that, you don't know how much you just helped me. I googled rj, & i really think this is a classic case. I looked into therapy as well.
I thought i was going absolutely insane...but thanks to you, i know what the root of the problem is now.
Thank you
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Ah you have RJ about the woman....
google Retroactive Jealousy and see if that helps you
also you might want to look for the user YOS here. He's the be all to end all for RJ issues IMO
As a woman with many past partners both male and female I would not be able to cope with an RJ sufferer as my partner. The psychic energy necessary to make the current partner feel secure would not be worth it to me.
IF you can't get a handle on this (and to me RJ is a mental illness in the OCD category) alone, and you want to make this relationship work then you really need to seek out some therapy to work on these issues.
Anxiety, obsessive/compulsive thoughts (what you are having) and those issues can be addressed with cognitive therapy and in the beginning some times some medications can help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Thanks everyone for responding.
Throwing it out there that i would NEVER expose his kid to anything other than a happy environment. I grew up in an argument, i wouldn't wish that on anyone.
A few of you were quick to say "get over it, the kid isn't going anywhere"... Yeah, thanks, i get that. I'm asking HOW.
How do i look at this kid & not see the man i love screwing his kid's mother?! we don't even have a lot of sex anymore cuz the sight of his member makes me think about him screwing her. He's not even the top! We tried having him on top once & i couldn't do it. All i could think was i wasn't doing it how SHE did for him. this bitch I've never met is ruining my life.
It's so hard, if it wasn't for this, we'd be the perfect couple. He's so God to me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 March 2013):
You'll need more than you can get here. Look for books on the subject, they're out there. I'm not sure about the gay aspect of this, but accepting a step child is a common issue.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Why can you never have that experience? Surely in the future you could adopt or have a surrogate mother???
The world won't end because your boyfriend already has a son?? It's not the childs fault is it? So why should the child be punish because you can't handle the fact that he exists????
I think you need to tell your boyfriend how you feel, although i wouldn't be surprised if he had a go at you for it...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 March 2013):
 What can we say? The child exists, your boyfriend is his father, you two will never have a "first child". Sorry but you do need to get over it or get out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): You are wrong. You can most certainly have the 'first child experience' with your boyfriend. Do you have a first child? No. You can still share that experience with him.But, in my honest opinion, if you are getting upset and cannot handle the news that he has a child with someone else. You probably aren't ready to have a child with him anyway. Caring for a child takes depth, maturity, wisdom, and the willingness to put the needs of a tiny human being before yours.Hypothetically speaking, you have a son. He is gay and in a relationship with another man. They are very in love and have discussed having a child together one day. Your son calls you one day asking for advice. His partner apparently already has a child with a woman that he experimented with. Your son is upset because he feels like now he can't have that 'first child experience' with his partner. What do you advise him to do?Do you tell him that he could share the experience of his partner's first child if he can get past the shock and surprise? Do you tell him that just because his partner already has a child does not mean that your son gets to miss out on the experience of having a first child with his partner? Do you explain about step families and blended families often have a mom and dad who marry and give birth to a first child together who has older half-brothers and half-sisters? Do you explain that even if one partner already has a child, it doesn't in any way lessen or invalidate the first child experience that a childless partner experiences when the time comes to finally have a child together? Do you explain that having a baby is difficult and having a partner with some experience with children is a benefit?What do you tell your hypothetical son?
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