A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry if this post comes across as heartless as I really don’t mean it to be….Around 12 years ago I used to work with this guy - I had the hugest crush on him (actually in think I was in love with him) he was married with kids (I was and still am single), so I never did anything about it. We got on really well - he liked me too, that was obvious - everyone in the office called “work wife and work husband” but like I said nothing came of it. When I then moved away for better job opportunity we lost contact - we exchanged a few texts (just friendly ones) at the beginning but then we stopped. Over the years I’ve always thought about him but couldn’t find him on social media. 2 weeks ago I found him on Facebook- under his status it says “widowed” - I did some research online and found an obituary for his wife who died in April last year, so 14 months ago. I want to add him as a friend and see how he is. I know this is terrible but I would like to persue a relationship with him- obviously only if he is single, ready and still likes me. Shall I leave it a little while longer to connect with him or bite the bullet and add him as a friend and take it from there? I could be clutching at straws hoping for a relationship - part of me is terrified of reconnecting incase he isn’t interested which will break my heart and part of me wants to believe we can be together so I just want to ask him. I’m acting like a silly giddy girl when I’m a mature woman in my early 40’s and I’m ashamed of myself. I’ve had relationships in the past but I’ve never felt about any of them like i do about him- I can’t explain it.What is the best thing to do? I don’t want to scare him off but I want to know if we have a chance. Life is too short!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2024): Everyone is different. My brother lost his wife 4 years ago and though he misses the companionship he is not ready to take the journey into another relationship. He loved my sister in law so much . We all do . It's fifficult to replace that or replica it.
Maybe in time, he will be ready . As I have told him he needs someone who needs to understand that he may wish to speak about his wife and her death . Someone who understands that it doesn't mean he isn't in love with them but that they would need to be prepared to share that . If your jealous in any terms then stepping into this man life may not be for you .
I would reach out as a friend and take it slow . Try n meet up for tea or something if he's interested .
I hope it goes the way you would like it to honey .
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (23 June 2024):
 There is no answer to your question because it will be different for every person. My mother and my mother in law both had been married for over 50 years and they both started dating within 3 months after their husbands passed away. we were all shocked. My husband passed away 3 years ago and I'm still not ready to date. Approach the situation with caution offer friendship and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2024): He lost his wife last year.
I would say that that is too soon for anyone you would like to seriously date.
So, I would add him as a friend not hoping for anything more.
You should also note that he didn't try to find you. Ever.
Just sayin'.
If he accepts you as a friend, first wait to see if he'll reach out. If he doesn't (and sees on FB that you are single), you are kind of getting an answer. It's either too soon or he's not interested, or both. The only thing you can do is give him time. But, you don't sound like a patient person.
You don't say how old his kids are.
Truth be told you don't know anything about this man anymore. So be very careful.
You are building this up too much.
And you have been doing this for a very long time - "Over the years I’ve always thought about him but couldn’t find him on social media.".
That is obsessive behavior.
In the end you risk giving an impression of someone who is desperate and needy.
Even when you worked together, however intensive that might have been, you were just colleagues. I worked in a branch where colleagues worked closely together, sometimes 24/7 for months at a time. I learned that no matter how close you may feel with some of them, in the end they are just colleagues. Once you remove the work, there's not much in common. Some of them have become my friends. And one of them is my husband. But I didn't have to wait, or obsess about him. Our relationship developed naturally and more importantly evenly on both sides.
You are still infatuated with him. This is NOT love. And for some reason you have nourished that for years, letting yourself feed this obsession. You have put him on a pedestal and probably compared all the available men unfavorably to him. Whenever you would get hurt, you could always "run" to him in your imagination.
There's also one more problem also, actually that's the root. Why were you interested that way in an unavailable man? Everybody can have a crush on a married person. But crushes do not last. They either blossom into something more because it is mutual, or they run their course. People who have a tendency to fantasize (live in their heads, play out different scenarios) can hang on to this unreal "connection" forever.
The best thing you can do is a reality check. Give yourself a chance, send him a friend request and than the ball is in his court. Just be ready that it takes 2 to tango and don't read too much into anything. Also, try to focus on something else. Obsessing is always painful.
Now, having said all that... things really could work out! Losing a spouse is the number 1 stressor, ahead of losing a child, even. So you have to have that in mind. But you cannot win a lottery without buying a ticket.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2024): No harm in sending a friend request but don't build yourself up or you might get a big disappointment. It takes some people a long time to grieve but then again he might be OK. It can be painful just being friends.
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