A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We need some advice for our daughter. She is 15 and wants to start dating. We've told her that this summer she can start to have 'parent supported' dates. This means we drive her to whereever she and the guy want to go, like the mall, a movie, out for pizza, whatever. Then we'll pick her up. We're going to do that until she turns 16 and can get her license.Well, she has started asking my wife a lot of questions about guys, guys bodies, and what they like. I'm not liking this very much, but she has admitted to my wife that some of her girlfriends are already dating and doing things with guys. My wife asked her what questions she had about guys and their bodies, and our daughter admitted that she has looked up naked guys on the internet.Our daughter knows our strong morals, she also know that my wife was a virgin and has only been with me. In fact my wife made me wait until we were engaged before we went 'all the way'. But my daughter is now asking my wife questions about did she date anyone before me and what do you do with a guy if he wants to kiss you or do more stuff.How much 'openness' do we tell our daughter. My wife did date 3 guys before me and there was some fooling around, just not actual sex. I'm not sure about telling our daughter this, that information is private for me and my wife only. But my wife did get 'maybe good' advice from one of her girlfriends before she met me. Her girlfriend told her that if you're dating a guy for a few months, he's going to expect sexual release, so just give him a handjob, then he'll be satisfied and leave you alone so you can remain a virgin.I'm not sure we should tell our daughter this. 1st place it's admitting my wife did 'stuff' with other guys before me, and 2nd, it's almost like condoning it. I realize not everyone will be a virgin when they meet the 'right guy', but I also don't want my daughter thinking she should give her dates 'sexual release (handjobs)' just so they would keep dating her.What, or how much should we tell our daughter. What advice for dating should we tell her. And, I know it would be embarressing for my daughter, but I think my wife and I should have this conversation together. My wife thinks that maybe she should have this talk alone with our daughter. And then I can come into the room to add my thoughts after the 'embarressing' stuff is out of the way.Help? Please?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): Seriously, teenagers will find these things out without any guildance. Your daughter is not going to tell you if she kissed a guy. SUICIDAL on her part. Leave things be, your daughter is already talking and asking questions. She sounds really sane about the issue, help her to keep asking regardless of how uncomfortable you both feel. your daughter will learn by experience, you both are the most experience people she will probably ever know. Be honest, be caring and be there
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 No, you certainly don’t give your children details about your dating life.
It’s wonderful that you have the kind of relationship with your children that such questions come up. You and your wife have done amazingly well that a child would even consider asking. It’s clear that you’ve let her know about your values – that sex is an important thing that is to be saved for marriage.
The message I gave to my daughters, other than the above, was that they do nothing they were uncomfortable with. That, for example, the line ‘if you loved me you’d ….’ was a big red flag.
As parents we have a difficult row to hoe. We have to let them have some freedom, but not let them be in situations where they can find themselves beyond their depth. Our solution was to make our home a welcoming place. The girls could have their boy over, watch a movie in the basement, and have a measure of privacy but knowing that someone might come down the stairs at any given time. And that if he stepped beyond her bounds, she could summon us at the drop of a hat. But the key was to make our home a welcoming place, so that they would want to bring the boys here. You always want to know where your child is – isn’t it better just to have them want to be home? At 15, 16, they are going to experiment. You hate the idea of her giving a hj or whatever, every bit as much as I do. But that’s part of growing up, of learning. Don’t explicitly condone it, don’t explicitly condemn it. Just let her explore in a safe environment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): First of all don't go telling your daughter that your wife did everything but actual intercourse before getting married, because it'll seem all right for her to do the same, apparently that's why you don't want to tell her, but in my opinion the reason why you really shouldn't tell her is: first of all the pair of you will sound like hypocrites , and second because children don't need to/ don't want to know that private aspect of their parents relationship. YOU and your wife should keep this to yourselves, because it is a private matter.
What, or how much should we tell our daughter. What advice for dating should we tell her. And, I know it would be embarressing for my daughter, but I think my wife and I should have this conversation together. My wife thinks that maybe she should have this talk alone with our daughter. And then I can come into the room to add my thoughts after the 'embarressing' stuff is out of the way. ( DON't do that please!)
First criteria you guys should adopt is, if she brought her doubts to her mother she is the one she was seeking advice from, sorry but I ask my dad about cars and soccer, leave the tampons and boys to the mum. Now it's a good thing that she's opened up to talk to either of you about boys, the best advice your wife can give her is have self-respect tell her that she is loveable and if some guy don't want go out with you twice because she won't give him a handjob that is his loss don't go selling yourself short.
because above all guys don't like "easy girls"(and if you do give in, they'll tell ALL their friends exactly what you did, that's the way 16 year olds are) . And please if your daughter isn't as convinced about the whole wainting untill marriage thing, at least esplain her WHY ( provide her with solid arguments why you guys thing that she should wait ) you can always point out that at sixteen she's too young, she should wait for the right guy, etc, but at the same time show her what consequences unprotected sex can have, unwanted pregnancy, STD, and at last ( I'm not telling you to hand out condoms to your daughter, but make sure your wife take her to a doctor that will explain her methods to prevent pregnancy, I for one always found talking to strangers better, because if a doctor do that Your daughter will know how to prevent it and at the same time it won't look like as if you and your wife and giving her thumbs up). In my opinion, you should step back and let your wife handle it... Not saying that you shouldn't say anything but if your presence would make your daughter feel awkward, then just don't be present.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 January 2012):
 Your wife is right, I know you want to be involved but there is nothing more embarrassing to a teenage girl than her dad trying to give her a sex talk, it really is best to leave this up to your wife. You should actually be glad that your daughter has turned to her mother, not many teenage girls do and this shows that she is close to her and trusts her. She is at that age now where she is beginning to wonder about the other sex. It is completely normal.
I don't think your wife should tell her about her past. As you are right that is private and something your daughter really does not need to know about. Your wife should however tell her that she is still very young and has plenty of time before she has to think about any kind of sexual relationship. Allow your wife to guide her and tell her she is there for her if any guy wants sex from her. Your wife should warn her that there are many guys out there who just want to be sexual and teach her to respect her body and be firm with guys.
As for her looking up naked guys on the internet. Again this is her just being curious, really there is no harm in that. She is at that age now where you need to accept she has gotten over puberty and she is turning in to a young woman. Yes it is hard. But as long as your wife sits down with her and warns her about sex and also the risk of pregnancy and STI's and off course not being 'easy' then really that is her job done and it is then up to your daughter to take on board everything your wife has said and live her own life. Good luck and all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): I think for the most part you should just tell your daughter the truth. You don't need to go into explicit detail but your wife could just acknowledge other things did happen.
Your daughter clearly trusts you both and you have a good relationship which is nice to see. So I wouldn't bend the truth etc, if there's something you're really uncomfortable discussing, just be honest with her and say that. You want her to be able to feel she can continue to come to you for advice.
As for what your daughter 'should' do. I'd again be very honest with her and tell her the truth that some guys are only after one thing and she should ONLY do what she wants to do and feel comfortable with. She shouldn't be pressured into anything and guy shouldn't 'expect' sexual release. If they loved and really cared for her, they would wait (without pressuring) for her to be ready to do something sexual. It's not just full on sex that can cause feelings of regret and personally I wouldn't tell my daughter in anyway it's her job to give a guy she's dating a release.
As for who's in the room, I'd ask your daughter what she would prefer, I expect she'll be more open in that case. You could always encourage her to have you both in the room by saying you have a different perspective as a man that might help but ultimately I think it's up to her.
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