A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my partner now for over a year and im 21 and hes 22 i wanna have a child but i dont know how to tell him; he has already got a 3 year old from a previous relationship and hes a good dad but he could also have another one which is a few mounths but hes waitin to get a dna test to seee if the child is his. But what im trying to say is i feel like im getting too old i dont wanna be an old mum but the things is ive just started a new career which im enjoying so much and ive started back at college its a 2 year course but i dont start untill the end of march, but thinkin about it by the time that i finish the course im gona be almost 24 and i dont know that im gona still be with my partner and if im not then im gonna hav to go through the whole thing of trying to find the right person!the thing is ive been having sex since i was 16 and i have never fallen pregnant and ive never thought i have been. me and my partner now dont use condoms but im on the pill but to be truthful i dont think i can have children or ive been very careful. it scares me to think this cause i would like to have kids but how can i know for sure? Ive came off the pill last year for six months i didnt tell my partner but we were not using condoms and i didnt fall pregnant something must be wrong? i want to go to college and that an have a career but then i do wont to have children what should i do? and how should i tell my partner that i want to have kids? please help mexx
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (25 February 2009):
seriously? your thinking of having a child with him now in case your not together in 2 years time? do I even need to explain to you whats wrong here?
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 February 2009):
 He is a good guy, a good father. You know because at 28-21 he already got a 3 year old and a possible other one on the way...
Mmm, since when does "good father" mean unable to use condom? He didn't stick around for the other two kids, what makes you think he will for yours? Oh, you love him. I keep forgetting that fixes everything.
You also want to go to college, a career AND have kids. With a guy who already has two. Busy little bee aren't you?
You worry you might be leaving it to late, that you might not even be able to have kids at all. Didn't you just say you are on the pill and that you have also used condoms in the past? Those two are SUPPOSED to stop you getting pregnant. If you really want to know, a doctor can check wether you are fertile or not but frankly unless you had an STD you most likely are, just have been lucky in the past or used the right protection correctly. It takes a healty couple about half a year to get pregnant, so you might just have lucked out when you stoppedntaking the pill.
Frankly, I see so many red flags in this post I am seriously doubting this relationship will work out long term. He seems to be spreading his seed around left and right and your urgency to have kids is a bit to much for a woman your age.
"but thinkin about it by the time that i finish the course im gona be almost 24 and i dont know that im gona still be with my partner"
You are already in doubt about your partner on a term of 2 years. A kid is 20+ years. Are you truly ready for a family especially as you seem to think it might end up being a single parent family?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 February 2009):
 You are so young and dont need to have children now! 24 is still very young to have kids - medically you are only classed as old to have children when you are around 28. I understand your fear of being an old mum as it is nice to be able to have the energy to keep up with your kids and this comes from being young! But you will still be at a great age to have kids right up until you are 30.
You have so much going for you right now - your career, college etc. You have a life ahead of you - enjoy yourself now and kids can come along later. Children need a stable home, ideally where the parents are married, both earning a decent salary (kids are very expensive and you will want the best for your children!).
I think you need to get back on the pill now, dont mention any of this to your partner as you will only scare him away. I can imagine as a 22 year old man with 3 kids (I'm assuming they are young children too) that he wont want any more for a long long time; having another child for him now would be too much.
And you have said something that really worries me - you think you might not be with him in 2 to 3 years time? Well why on earth would you want a child with someone you are not sure you will stay with forever? Like I said before, children need a stable home ideally where mum and dad are both there to love them and look after them.
It sounds to me like you want a child more than you want to be in your current relationship - many people make the mistake of thinking having a child will make a relationship better. This is so far from the truth- having a child will only complicate things and add more stress. This is why most people wait until they are married to have kids - so they know they are with the right person where they can bring up their children together in a loving environment. Being a single mum is not something you should look at as being an ideal - most single mums are not that way through choice.
If you are worried about the inferility thing then go to the doctors, they will be able to test for this. But please go back on the pill, and wait until the time is right to have children. Wait until your college course is finished - if you are still with your partner then he is probably the right guy for you, his kids will be a bit older and he will be more open to your idea of kids. Please dont bring children into this world if you are not sure if this man is right for you - that will be the father of your child and you will be tied to him for the rest of your life. make sure he is the right guy for you.
I hope this helps and I hope you take it on board.
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