A
male
age
30-35,
*nonymous12345150
writes:in my previous relationship (recently ended) i got really annoyed when i saw people that my girlfriend (at the time) had sex with (always friends with benefits/1 night stands) (i was her first proper boyfriend) i would always get in a mood and go quiet and get angry how should i have approached this instead of acting like this? my problem was not jealousy,just being upset that she had thrown sex around as if it doesn't matter and knowingly letting guys use her etc etc.thanks
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friend with benefits, jealous, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 You can't help what you feel. Rather than changing about how you feel, my advice would be, next time you date someone, make sure she is someone outside your circle, someone quiet and unassuming and doesn't use facebook.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 "she was just the easy girl who would do anything but was never good enough to go out with"
Perhaps she thought they weren't good enough to go out with her? She thinks more highly of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous12345150 +, writes (7 May 2012):
anonymous12345150 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnot really cuz i no that she went to them for sex pretty much at the click of there fingers and she did want a relationship with most of them and no its not about what other guys think i didn't care about what they thought i just saw her as used goods,a car thats done 175.000 miles,a used pair of shoes etc etc
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 Disgusting ? disgusting is a big world, let's not exaggerate. Let's say it's an insecure thing to say , it does not show much character. It means more or less that you'd have have been OK with what she did and what she is, if it weren't for those other guys. Since those other guys think she was not good enough for them ( but, not necessarily, couldn't it have been the other way around ? that maybe the girl did not want them more than once ? ), they may think bad of you because you "contented yourself " with what they have discarded. So, it's not really about what you think of the girl, it's about what other males - which you barely know - think about you ?!
Vaguely homo, lol. Why do you want impress other guys by your choices ? Choose what YOU like, and if you don't like experienced / promiscuous girls, that's fine- but if you don't have a problem with it, you don't have to justify it to no other man !
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A
male
reader, anonymous12345150 +, writes (7 May 2012):
anonymous12345150 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for answering, all answers have been helpful in different ways.its weird tho when i saw sum1 she'd been with when we were together it would drive me mental now were split up I'm friends with sum of the guys she's been with (friends is quite strong a word but i go 4 a beer with sum off them with no feelings at all) just wanna stress that it weren't jealousy that made me feel like this I've had girlfriends in the past who have slept with quite a few people but they were all relationships so i didn't mind.i think the reason why i got so angry is because i felt like to every1 that she slept with she was just the easy girl who would do anything but was never good enough to go out with but obviously i went out with her :/ so i no that might be a disgusting thing to say but i couldn't help feeling like that
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 May 2012):
You acted based on the experience , thought and feelings you had about the subject of one night stands THEN, and theer's no point in telling you how you SHOULD have acted, because probbably, even if you had known, you COULD NOT have acted differently than you did at the time.
For teh future- and I realize that this sounds very lame advice, but , really , thete's no other way out of your quandary : you decide how do you feel about women having one night stands and casual sex, and you act consequently and coherently.
I.e. : either you accept that different people may have diffeerent ideas about sex , and maybe don't feel that having casual sex is demeaning themselves or letting themselves be used etc- in other words, you respect their preferences same as you'd respect a preference for a sport team or a political party, not a big deal all in all, or you decide that different sexual values are a final , total deal breaker and don't even get involved with ( somewhat ) promiscuous girls, and you dump them instantly like hot coal the moment you find out they were promiscuous.
Either position has a sense and a dignity , just pick one and stick to it. Do what 's best in your view- just don't do what you did in the past , ( keeping the girl and being mad at her for her slutty past ), it's equivalent to spitting in the plate you eat in.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (7 May 2012):
It could happen again.
First you need to accept that plenty of people have one night stands: you don't have to like it, but the world is like that and there's nothing you can do to change that. That means you're likely to have girlfriends that have had them.
You either need to date girls that haven't, which will make it harder for you to find suitable girls, plus means asking about it early on. Girls will often not tell the truth about this at the start of a relationship also. And every year that passes makes this harder: since the number of available girls that fit the description gets smaller.
Or you can decide that it doesn't matter. Sure, someone who's had hundreds of them would bother you, it would bother me, but a girls thats had a few is not a bad person or damaged in some way. There's many reasons girls have one night stands, but it's often because they were a bit drunk, and met a charming guy who gave them lots of attention when they weren't feeling good about themselves.
You have another option also: you can have a few one night stands yourself. Once you've experienced them your jealousy over others who have will decrease, and you'll also realize that relationships are much better. Meaning you were the lucky one with your ex, not her hookups.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 May 2012):
You can feel whatever you want. At times I can be reactive but a lot of times I am non chalant about everything. When something shocks you there is no time to think about how you should react, you just react anyway. As you grow older fewer things would be a big deal for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous12345150 +, writes (7 May 2012):
anonymous12345150 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits cool i just think of the mistakes i made in the relationship but sum things that i did i honestly wouldn't no how else i should have acted so i am trying not to look back in regret if its just the way i would have acted anyway if that makes sense
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 May 2012):
You can't go back time and change your reaction. Just understand that people have different sexual views. One night stands can be mutually enjoyable, as much as it can be cheap and violating. Getting angry is not going to change my view. When you date a new girl you just have to make sure you share the same views.
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