A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 17 months. We are perfect together - we dont argue, we laugh together, enjoy the same things etc. we live in our own places but plan to move in together at the start of next year. There is just one thing missing - sex!We had sex about once a week when we were first together but sex has never been a big part of our relationship. When we have sex it's not very good.My boyfriend grew up sharing a bedroom with his much older brother so I think he was introduced to porn at an early age. He always wants sex in the doggy position and goes at it that hard that it hurts me. I have said something to him and he did soften things down but I still don't enjoy it. Also he hardly ever ejaculates - he says he would rather not, which I just dont understand. He has ejaculated some times so I know it's not a medical problem.My last boyfriend was really good at sex and we had a real intimacy. It's the intimacy that's lacking in the sex in this relationship.I have tried talking to my boyfriend about this but he just says that sex isn't that important. But I feel a major part is missing in our relationship. How can we get past this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): he just says that sex isn't that important.
But it is to you. Tell him that, and that you need to resolve this now because moving in won't help, it will make things worse as you may want sex more often!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): It sounds as if he has some real issues with sex and intimacy. That might be because he is selfish, has a low sex drive or has been heavily influenced by porn.
Alternatively, he might have been sexually abused as a child. I am the partner of a man who suffered CSA, child sexual abuse. Our early sex life was much as you have described. Your partner bares striking similarities to mine. These problems with sexual intimacy are quite common amongst survivors of CSA.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 What the?? What?!
Tisha's hit the nail on the head... you don't get over this as he's always been like this, surprised you've stayed with him this long to be honest.
I've never ever said suggested this before to anyone, but he sounds almost asexual or even gay... Even if he isn't... are you going to be happy in this relationship if nothing changes?
Because it won't.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Ah, how do you get past this? The short answer is that you don't.
What you have now is pretty much what you can expect for the next 5, 10, 20 years. If you want more than this in terms of sexual intimacy, then you need to consider changing boyfriends.
If mutually enjoyable sex is important to you (it is to most people) then I really think you should reconsider the relationship. Sorry, sometimes the guy who seems so perfect for us is so lacking on a fundamental level. It's not his fault or yours, it just means you haven't found the right guy.
Based on this question, I'd say, um, RUN!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Yikes! I was once with a guy that was everything a girl could want, except that I had zero sexual attraction for him. And try as might I wasn't attracted to him like that. I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have and ended up cheating on him with a hot guy at my gym. It was horrible of me but at some point if you are fairly sexual, it's gonna get in the way. Don't make the mistake I made. Chose your mate wisely, especially if it could head down the isle later. Sexual compatibility is huge in my opinion. Good luck.
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