A
female
age
41-50,
*otcat949
writes:Dear Cupid, I think my partner of 10 years is having an "emotional" affair. Two years ago I threw him out because he was asking another woman out for a drink every 5 minutes (this is a woman he labelled as a bit "tragic"??). I heard all the excuses then she's "just a friend" etc, thing is we never go out and he had no money, but could afford to chase her. I asked him to stop and he said he will not be told who he can/can't be friends with. So, he moved back and I left it. The last couple of weeks he's been acting odd. He gigs in a band (he is in his 50's) and this woman (same one) is a "groupee" I suppose. He went from talking about her every 5 minutes to not mentioning her name. Last week, I found he had called her (didn't know he had her #). I then found a message thread on his Facebook. He had been supporting her because her love life's a mess. He also offered to "run her around" because she doesn't drive. He said if ever you need to talk you know where I am - she said the same. He has even bought her sons chocolate?! He even sends a message of one "X" to sign off. Now he is taking his phone everywhere and staying out later than usual. How can I get to the bottom of this? I cannot bring this to a head with no evidence. Should I go to a gig and do some digging? Or, should I leave it and try and see his phone. I don't like going through his stuff and he has been deleting all his messages anyway?? If he wants an affair, fine, nothing will stop that. I just don't want to be made a fool of. Sorry for the long post and thanks for your help x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): My dear, if you start to second-guess yourself; or he starts pressuring you, and playing on your emotions. Comeback to us, and we'll all mull over it together. You will feel ambiguous over this as time passes. Stay strong!
A
female
reader, Hotcat949 +, writes (19 March 2015):
Hotcat949 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who advised me on this issue. It came to a head at the weekend and, he tried the "just friends", "I've done nothing wrong" route. I refused to argue and ended our 10 year relationship. I said I refuse to be with someone who has no respect for me. I feel empowered and am looking forward to a brand new chapter in my life. Thank you all x
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A
female
reader, Hotcat949 +, writes (14 March 2015):
Hotcat949 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, thank you for your time and kind advice. I am still very confused but planning to to bring things to an end. Enough is enough. If I keep rolling over he will disrespect me again, I am better than that. My daughter needs me to be a role model - I won't be able to do that with "doormat" on my head. Thank you all again, you've been very helpful x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): You say you have nothing in-common; and he says you're too busy, and have separate lives.
Sounds like he's emotionally unavailable for you; but that doesn't mean he can't be there for his daughter. I think he was pretty frank about his feelings. Everyone has to own responsibility in a relationship; but it also sounds like he's flipping the script on you. He averts any personal-responsibility by slamming you with guilt; and telling you it's all your fault. Stick to your goals, your daughter's future is in your hands.
Run these questions through your mind and assess your future with this man.
Does he have a record deal, has he reached stardom, is he even on the brink? What kind of music does he perform? If he's just a local-performer, is success on the horizon?
When's the last time he made you feel loved and happy?
Be all you can be, as a woman. Let no man hold your dreams and ambitions against you.
Don't you think the general disrespect and cocky attitude is telling you more than you really want to accept? You're not crazy. Well, he has drawn a line in the sand. He has a possible replacement (or wants it to appear so); therefore, he doesn't feel threatened. He's due his karma.
In any case. Time will tell!
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A
female
reader, Hotcat949 +, writes (13 March 2015):
Hotcat949 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to write such good advice, it is much appreciated. We tried talking last time but it just ended up with him making me feel like I was going mad/imagining it. We have a 5 year old daughter which is why I need more evidence. She didn't handle it very well when I threw him out. I think how we got together is in the back of my mind - he was living with someone and started texting/seeing me (he told me he was single). Alarm bells ringing. I must admit I am so busy with our daughter, running a business, studying for my degree I guess he may be seeking emotional attention elsewhere. We have nothing in common and when i suggested making time for eachother he said "we're too busy, we have separate lives". I said people make time for things that matter. Just feeling limbo. Thank you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): The messages you've read, the confrontation you had about who he can be friends with, your lack of trust, he's a senior-citizen band-member, and he never takes you anywhere. He buys sweets for some other woman's kids?!! You're the one hanging on after enduring all this. How much more disrespect do you need?
My dear, I think the last thing you want to do is walk-in on him having sex with another woman. Does it have to get that drastic for you to see it's time to move-on? I think you're in denial; because you think he'll just turn to her if you boot his bum to the curb. I think you have more than enough evidence to dump him. He's more concerned about his friend than you. He has little respect for you; only because he knows you're more bark than bite. He can do as he chooses with no consequences; and your home is just where he hangs his hat between gigs. She's piling her problems on him, and playing the damsel in distress to get male-attention. He neglects you in the process. A big fat no-no for a man in a committed-relationship. Your feelings should be his priority, not hers.
By the time people have written a post to DC about such an ordeal, their mind is just about made-up. I think you want to dump him, but you need to be convinced.
Try having a "talk" like two adults, versus a "confrontation." In a confrontation; too much is said, and nothing is "heard." You're venting anger, that gives him a reason to shutdown and shut you out. A talk allows two people to communicate. Then you have to "listen." You can't be all talk. You have to state your position, and issue an ultimatum you're willing to carry-out. It's time for that.
There is no time for beating around the bush. Tell him exactly how you feel, and what you know. Control your temper and emotions. Men listen to logic and reason; we shutout whining, dramatizing, and emotionalizing (aka nagging).
Then be ready to face the truth. If he is as cocky as he was when you set boundaries between spending too much time with a female-friend, and how he treats his girlfriend; that should have been the moment you gave him his walking papers. Weeping and whining gets no results. One of the aunts mentioned growing a "backbone" in a similar post. I've forgotten which one it was. I kick myself, because she's one of the best. Anyway, time to have one. Any luck, you'll hear from her too!
If you need to wait until he truly pisses you off, or you catch him doing something; then maybe that will give you the courage you need. If you ask me, you have all the reasons you need already. If she decides she wants him,
let her have him. He's your leftovers by now. He has nothing to offer you anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): Mmmmm,sweetie, sorry to say that but you already have more than enough "evidence".
I mean, if it's an emotional affair that you're afraid of (rather than a physical one), then how do you expect to get "hard evidence" so to speak?
Those things are matters of the heart, thoughts, feelings etc. -if he never acts on them, then basically you can't have your "hard evidence" as it might be something he thinks of doing but maybe never does.
However, as I said, I think you have PLENTY of evidence that something is going on-delete all his msgs? Why? take his phone everywhere with him? Why?
Sorry,but it sounds like it's already gone there (emotional affair I mean). Find someone who's more emotionally mature and can stick to the "one woman deal".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): You have plenty of evidence already. He is having an affair. The key thing was that you called him on his actions and he basically decided this woman's needs were more important than yours. He has absolutely no respect for you and you don't seem to have any for yourself. Personally I would just end it and don't look back. Surely you could do better and be happier.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): Snoop in his phone. Follow him secretly to get evidence. If you can, hire an investigator to get the evidence... If evidence is what you need to settle this turmoil. Living with a suspicion is nerve wrecking and your relationship and well being will collapse. So sure, snoop, follow and don't feel bad because if those who have nothing to hide should not fear others looking at them and their stuff.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): My ex partner was in a similar situation years before I dumped him.
He would mention this work colleague quite a bit, but would mention her in the context of other workmates etc. To the extent that I was just aware that she was a 'special' work colleague that he liked. Then, suddenly, he stopped mentioning her. And in evenings (remember this is years ago when facebook was still a relatively new thing) I'd notice he was very often on his laptop, which he rarely was in the evenings. And he'd be smiling and chuckling. I'd ask what he was doing and he'd say "nothing" or just work stuff.
About a year after that, I actually suspected him of having an affair with an entirely different woman that I felt he was acting strangely around and who I'd seen very subtle signs from that something had happened. I had always known his email password - he had forgotten I knew it - and, I was so upset and convinced that something was going on, that I logged into his account.
What I found was not that he was having an affair with the woman I suspected, but with that some really heavy duty flirtation was going on with this work colleague who he had suddenly stopped talking about - lots of kisses on emails and it sounded like he had been to her place. I was so shocked and upset and confronted him. He denied everything, although admitted he'd been too friendly (he is the world's most sociable guy, so I believed him) AND that she had a huge amount of personal problems that he had tried to talk to her about just as a colleague, but this partly included her taking medication for depression and he found it hard to get the balance right with trying to help her as a colleague and making sure he didn't upset her in any way due to her depression. Anyway, goodness knows why I didn't really suspect otherwise when I said "okay, I believe you, but I think we should all go out for a drink and I should just become her friend too" and he just said he didn't think it was a good idea. Why this didn't occur to me as a major "red flag" I don't know.
Fast forward to six months later and I'm on the other side of the world for 4 weeks in connection with a really, really important work matter that could make or break my career. I am NOT a good traveller and get very anxious away from home. Anyway, lo and behold, there's an email from this colleague, describing herself as 'the other woman' and going on for pages and pages and pages about every detail of everything they've done and how he'd promised he was leaving me (news to me as we were planning to buy a house together) and also he'd said unforgivable things about me and my daughter, making us out to be 'parasites' when nothing could have been further from the truth.
What alarmed me was not just that he'd lied to me, but he'd told her a bundle of massive lies about us - something very seriously wrong going on in his mind.
I won't go into what happened after that, just to say we're not together - and she realised what a fool she'd been.
BUT I am saying to you that suddenly going very quiet about a female friend or colleague and kisses at the end of texts and bringing gifts of any kind to her or involving family members is, to my mind if not yours, now a SURE sign that something is not right and an affair is either underway or gonna be very soon. For your own protection, I'd say be careful about a confrontation with her - I confronted this woman and, although it made her see she'd been taken for a fool, it lost me my sense of dignity for a very long time after. I felt degraded and I wish now that I'd not even responded, either to her or to him, and just up and left the situation without saying or doing anything further.
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