A
female
age
36-40,
*ady Green
writes:Hi All,I need help..Last June, I was dumped by a guy I thought was the one. By a guy I loved truly with my whole heart. He dumped me a month before our holiday to meet his family. It was a heart wrenching time in my life. Still, due to the fact that I wanted to safe face, I always try to do the right thing - stay clear, not to beg, replied his text nicely, etc..My trip to a foreign country was a torture, but I kept it together still.. I managed to travel places on my own and did all with a roller coaster ride (emotionally).. It is his hometown, but he never even bothered about me (he texted me to say he saw my FB and he is happy that I still managed to go to the places I wanted to and I replied as graciously as I can). During the trip, he got angry with me somehow and after I cried a bit, I managed to pull myself together and talked to him (over the phone) and explained that he was mistaken about me..Within the 4 months plus of the breakup, I feel like he don't appreciate me at all.. He often get angry with me when he thought I didn't greeted him and he also got angry on the one time I texted him in a friendly way (to inform him that I have his stuff and would like to return them - he did the same for me).. And as if that is not painful enough, he blocked me in whatsapp and unfriend me in Facebook (recently)I tried to called (honestly, to ask him what is wrong that made he did that), but he cancelled my call after the second or third rings.. I never call him back since.. I did text him telling him that I was sorry if my previous text about his stuffs ends poorly and that I have pass his stuffs to our mutual friend.Truth be told, when he cancelled my call, I went to his place. The moment I got to his gate, I saw the gifts he gave me and I returned them back to him are still there well kept next to his cabinet.. Surprised that he never throw them away, I backed off.. I honestly don't know what it meant, but I did feel slightly touched by that (although I realize now I might be wrong about it)Everything is so confusing.. He is over me so quick.. But he end up being so cruel.. I must admit that I still have linger feelings, but I never push him to come back.. He wanted out, I let him.. I gave him a window to come back but he insisted to breakup.. So I backed off.. As painful as it is, I let him go.. Help me what am I to do.. And what to think.. What he is doing hurt me so much.. I am trying to keep my head together and do something right.. But right now, what I am feeling is to go to him and ask him questions.. Heartbroken Lady..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): A friend of mine did exactly what yours did. He was on vacation at a resort in Florida, and happened to see my ex with someone else on the beach. This was two months after dumping me. I had gone 100% no contact. I have no intentions of making a friend of someone who dumped me. I can be cordial and polite, but I don't need their friendship. I have too many great friends to hang-on to exes.
My reaction was shock and my ego was bruised. I still didn't want any contact with him, and I was totally firm with my gossipy friend. If I'm not keeping track of my ex, I don't need anyone who is a true friend of mine rubbing my nose in his business. In fact, stay out of my love-life altogether and we'll remain the best of friends. I promised to stay out of his, and we shook hands on it.
You can't let go until you disconnect in every-way. I have become totally immune to all my ex's exploits and have not looked him up on social media since the day we broke-up. I wanted to heal, and I needed him out of sight and out of mind. I was able to come to terms, I've healed, met someone wonderful; and if my ex dropped off the edge of the planet, I couldn't care less. I'm not bitter, I'm finished and myself again. In fact, better than I was with him. I got a new guy who came along a couple of years later; when I wasn't even looking for anyone. He's different and loving, and I've gone out of my way to show him what he means to me. He hates his exes, but I'm helping him to let go of the bitterness. It wears at your psyche. It's wasted energy.
You can't accept your ex's rejection and he plays mind-games, because he knows it bothers you. You must make a real effort to avoid any contact and stop wanting to be his friend. That includes finding a new Meetup group, if necessary; so you will stop having emotional reactions every-time he appears. You've stalled your healing process based on "not being able to forget him." That isn't the point. You have to stop feeding him your emotions and totally detach. That requires not having anything to do with him at all, until you know his presence has no negative emotional-effect on you. Forgetting him requires brain-washing. Getting over him, only requires complete disassociation. Like you said, he's not like the other exes. He's meaner, and plays with your head.
This is what I've taken all this time and effort to get across to you.
A
female
reader, Lady Green +, writes (18 June 2016):
Lady Green is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi WiseOwlE,He and I will always have mutual friends.. But that's not how he knows about my hiking activity.. There is a Meetup group that I have joined for almost three years.. He knows I never skip (unless I have unavoidable circumstances) the Wednesday night hike.. While we were together, I had been trying to get him to join me and others, but he was not interested, so I stopped..One thing u are right, I can't forget him.. I loved him then and I prefer at least he would appreciate me, but after 6 months, I finally accept that I was merely one of the girl he'd scored... I am definitely disappointed of his behavior, confused sometimes, but I don't seek him or his approval.. That is one thing I am proud of myself.. Our mutual friend is great as he never talk about him in front of me and I never ask about him (tempted to though).. The only reason I know about my ex hs a GF is simply because that mutual friend told my girlfriend.. She feels that I should know.. I can't forget him and not because lack of trying.. That is the only issue I have.. Yet, I am still proud on how I handle things as it took a lot of my nerve and energy just not to look for him or any of the sort.. As I confided to my another dear friend in regard how my heart sank after knowing my ex has a GF, immediately, without telling me, the dear friend went and look my ex up in FB.. I never wanna know this and never ask, but the dear friend went ahead and told me what is in my ex's FB, which is what confusing me - no news on him with new girl or pic with any girl, but he kept pic of me with him and those pic are still on top.. That baffles me.. Still, as much as I wanna ask my ex, I bit my lips and trying to forget.. I guess, from all this that I am saying, obviously I still think of him and very much care.. I am doing my best.. The best I know how and I honestly am still trying..WiseOwlE, if you could suggest anything to help me to forget him, I will be more than happy to try..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): He's an ex. You can't make all exes your friends. You stay far too concerned about getting his approval, and he is on your mind almost to obsession. How on earth did such an accidentally on purpose/coincidence turn out that he be on the same hike, the same day, at exactly the same time?
Could it be you're posting your every move on social media so he'll know?
Are you chatting and hanging with mutual friends? Are you still sending out signals and olive branches trying to convince him to like you?
You can't seem to leave this guy alone. I don't believe he just showed up without some prior notification you'd be there. So, continue trying to make him a friend. His goal is to infect your brain and keep you miserable.
Is it working?
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female
reader, Lady Green +, writes (16 June 2016):
Lady Green is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,Firstly, I do reread all ur advices sometimes.. Life has been kind with me.. Got my life together again.. Work got better with my plan to become an instructor at the gym.. Met a wonderful, nice guy and we dated.. It didn't work, but we both still care one another dearly and remain close (there is no friends with benefit or any of the sort here)Now, it has been a year since the breakup.. Something happened that kinda pull me down.. Went for a night hike with a hiking group the other night with 2 of my hiking buddies.. The three of us chit chat throughout the hike.. While hiking, I did not know my ex joined.. Didn't even realised he was close behind me during the first half of the hike.. Only realised when he cut me and walked right pass me.. He didn't say a word or acknowledge me at all.. Kinda shocked, and realised he'd been cold to me, well, there isn't anything much I can do but to let him be.. After he got out of sight, I continue chatting happily with my hiking buddies.. He got out first.. Later me and my friends got out, laughing together as they kept making jokes.. I saw him looking at us, I saw he panicked and quickly leave.. I let him be and head to the leader of the group to talk about the hike and all..It is not that I don't care, he texted me in December and apologized, yet behaving like that is truly something in which I don't understand.. He is in relationship while I am not, don't understand why he need to be cold.. But that's him and it is his issue.. Me and my other exes (just 3) are still pretty good term where we treat each other with appreciation as someone we once loved and cared.. But this particular ex, truly, it simply just make me shake my head and feel pity for him..
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 March 2016):
 I fail to see whatkind of questions you would ask would elict an answer worth trusting. Like the movie title suggests I'm afraid he's "just not into you" I'm positive you can find someone with much more empathy than he seems to have displayed. In fact it sounds like a cat would have had more empathy than that dog brain did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2015): Don't mistake your grief for depression. It's normal to feel sad. You've lost someone and you're unhappy about that. I do recommend that you seek some medical attention just to make sure depression isn't sliding in. If you're able to be active, continue to go to work, and get up in the morning...reward yourself. You're making progress! Don't expect your sad feelings to just instantly go away. It does take time to heal. You'll notice gradual improvement day by day.
Do have a lovely and safe Christmas, my dear!
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female
reader, Lady Green +, writes (9 December 2015):
Lady Green is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All..
I must admit that the advice were bitter sweet and I do take note in it.. Funny how life works isn't..?
I also admit that I am still struggling, but luckily I have not done anything stupid.. Joined a gym on top of all the hike every week.. Gained weight a bit but my clothes fit better than ever.. I suspect that I may have depression, but I am taking one step at a time.. Trying to focus on my work and relationship with family.. Gonna get a book to occupy my time..
I deleted his number and all right after he blocked me.. Mutual friends helps one time and pretty frustrating another time.. My ex unblocked me last week and texted me apologizing for being mean the last time.. Luckily, that was all the text about.. I replied as nice and civil as I could.. It all ends well..
Honestly, I had relationships before, but I think this guy played me well emotionally.. I realise that I have never knew him.. The time we were together was him pretending to be the guy that would matched me, but he is not that guy.. I don't know him.. This fact does helps me to ease the pain to be honest..
I thank you to you all for the advice.. Both of the kind words and tough love advices.. Still struggling, but I will keep in mind ur advices and all.. Thank you again.. And Merry Christmas :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): Grow-up! You get tough-love from me. I'm not going to pat you on the head and say "poor baby." No! I will not!
You went back and forth knowing about the no contact rule and exactly why you're not supposed to contact someone you broke-up with. You groveled at his feet and let him talk down to you; and you played games back and forth looking for his pity.
You have to be tough through this mess. You have to pull yourself together and stay the hell away from him. He is pulling your strings, pushing your buttons, and getting narcissistic-supply from your suffering. He's feeding on your pain, and you are acting like a child half your age!
You have to tough it out. Take pain like a woman, and stand up straight. I know the pain. I know how it hurts, but you are helping him to enjoy it. Why? Why are you letting that man see you squirm and suffer? Dragging your heart in the mud, for him to laugh at?
Okay, he hurt you. Now stop letting him. Show him once and for all that this is all he's going to get from you. If you have to fake and put on the phoniest act you've ever done; you will walk with your back straight and you will stop calling, and stop with that childish Facebook bullsh*t. If you can't handle it, leave FB alone!!!
Read my articles. I went through the hell too. I came back with a vengeance. I gave myself a year, and a wonderful man found me. I wasn't even looking.
No, I'm going to infuse you with my strength. I'm giving you a push. Pretend he was abducted by aliens and he's somewhere in a distant universe. Being devoured by ants the size of cats! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Push through it. Dig down deep and convince yourself he is bad for you. He's a pile of dog crap, and every-time you talk to him; you're wading through four feet of dog sh*t! Be strong, girlfriend! He doesn't own your heart anymore. He doesn't have control over your feelings.
You do! You're free. Free to be independent and have fun.
To make your own choices, and to make friends with yourself. Love you, your family, and your friends. Give men and him a break. Take Time off from dating and drama!
All that crap about he is the one and all that, is the talk of a high school girl daydreaming. He didn't suddenly turn to crap. He always was and you are in a dreamworld, in-love with being in-love. Get over it!
Stop being a drama-queen, and you'll start to see your own strength and you'll begin to heal. Healing takes will. The will to survive. I'm not feeling sorry for you, because you're too dignified for pity.
Write a letter to him, do not mail it.
Do... not... mail...it!
Did I say...do not mail it?!!
In that letter tell him every horrid and nasty thing you've ever wanted to say. This is your closure letter. This is your break-free ritual.
Then burn it. The letter. Nothing else, lady!!! Don't get nuts!
Then write yourself a letter, telling yourself how you've suffered. What would make you happy, and what you'd do wiser and better. Then go take care of yourself, and don't look back. Keep a diary everyday of how you feel. Good times and the bad. Delete his number. He only calls to keep you weak and silly, while he's getting over you! He loves knowing you're weak. You prove it to him every day! Is it time to stop doing it, or what?
Seriously, girlfriend?!!
Oh, by the way! Dump Facebook!!! Leave it alone for the next six months. You want to heal? Then act your age! You're not a weeping little schoolgirl anymore. You're a woman.
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female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (14 October 2015):
 Like honey pie said, people DO move on at different speeds- he's doesn't seem like a very sensitive or tactful person... People fall out of love sometimes,and you just need to accept that some people act cruelly because they aren't tactful or sensitive or caring people... Either way, he has moved on, as YOU will move on from people in your life- this is a lost cause... Feelings change sometimes.. I used to see a guy- he was pretty Nasty to me- he basically told a few of our mutual friends to tell me to leave him alone... Ignored my messages... You literally have to FORCE yourself to QUIT- there's no alternative, unless you end up emotionally exhausting yourself into an early grave! Stop the messages, cry and let it all out, talk to people, who care, and just comfort yourself in any way you can- you may feel like you can't go on, but remember that your soul is worth every ounce of pain you're feeling, in gold... Focus on being GOOD to yourself and LOVING yourself, and you WILL eventually get over this... It's what we humans have to do, dumping is just a part of life... You'll eventually feel normal again and confident... Remember- he knows you're cut up about this, and if in a month or whenever, he contacts you again, asking to met up, or be friends, out of the blue that is called stringing someone along, (for intimacy, probably on the side of something, a rebound, or just an ego boost) and is the mark of a pretty shi**y person... Or he's feeling guilty and has absolutely no capacity to understand why an ex who loved him dearly, wouldn't want to have their wounds reopened- after all the effort put into getting over him... Hard to believe somehow... I honestly think getting your heart broken for the first time is one of the, if not THE LOWEST points of life... The pain is almost too much to physically bear, anyone will tell you... Remember there will always be compassion for you here, and with people who truly care about you... You WILL be ok.Take care x
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reader, olderthandirt +, writes (14 October 2015):
Nope, don't go to him to ask anything...It will only cause more anguish. I know exactly how you feel. I was dumped by my first love a long time ago and it still hurts. Life is Not fair
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 You still have a LOT of feelings for him and thus see good in him even though he has treated you with nothing short of contempt.
My guess is you had already bought and paid for the trip to go see his family? That was why you were travelling alone in his country? If so, GOOD for you!
I would take his, hanging up on you, blocking whatsapp and unfriending your Facebook (recently) as him going NC - NO CONTACT. He wants nothing to do with you any more. HE knows you are not over him, but he really seems over you, so now he pulls the "how can I hurt her and make her go away" routine.
DO what he did. DELETE & BLOCK his number, give his crap to the mutual friend and forget about it, BLOCK and UNFRIEND him from your whatsapp and Facebook. (and make sure your Facebook page is set with SOME kind of privacy settings)
I think the ONLY way you are going to get over him is by cutting him out of your life. Going and talking with him asking questions is pointless at this stage, HE IS DONE with you two. By leaving that "window" open you also hold yourself back from moving on.
People move on in different speeds. He moved on fast, you haven't moved on yet. (mostly I think because you hold onto hope that he will come back, which I'm afraid to tell you... is a waste of your time)
He wasn't a good match for you, and you were not a good match for him. Don't live in the "what could have been" live in the reality that YOU can do better, but NOT till you let him go and FIND better.
Chin up.
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