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female
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*hygirl
writes: I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now, sometimes it feels like we get real close, and then other times he distants himself from me. We talked the other night and he told me he was depressed and didn't know why. This depression of his really affects our relationship, and gets me down as well. He sometimes gets mean, then trys to make up for it. I really love him, but its soo hard to communicate with him and I never know the right or wrong thing to say that might set him off. I figure I give him space, and won't call him for a day, and he freaks out on me and on weekends we usually get mad at each other for stupid reasons. Anyway I just don't know how to deal with his depression cause it's affecting our relationship, and my life.
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female
reader, ellapu +, writes (14 November 2006):
 if he is depressed then you must encourage him to seek professional help. it will be beyond your capabilities to sort his life out for him, he needs to do that for himself. By all means support him to the best of your capabilities but please urge him to seek help and make the first step for a better life.
A
male
reader, Thomas17  +, writes (14 November 2006):
 Hello whygirl, i've seen this problem with a friend of mine, nearly exact.. i hope i can help.
well, maybe your boyfriend is experiencing some kind of problem on his own, and feels better if everyone was left out of it. or maybe, this problem concerns you as well, and he is afraid you might get hurt in the process. try to contact his friends to talk him over and find out whats wrong. from there, you can see the problem and try to solve it. for now, give him time and space.. about the freaking out thing when you dont call, just call him once a day, not as regular until you're sure about this "problem"
hope i've been of some help though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): This is a tough one. I know because i have suffered from depression in the past and it's not easy to be rational with others. I was lucky, cos i was on my own at the time and didn't need to worry about others feelings. It's only 6 months down the line. Basically, how do you really feel about him? Is there a future there? You could suggest he goes for counselling or maybe a visit to his doctors. He sounds like he is in need of professional help. He will bring you down and often even try to blame you for the way he feels. Don't be dragged down by the whole thing. Say you want time out to think this situation through but you will be there for him in spirit. How aggressive does he get when he freaks out? Is this the early stages of maybe hitting? Don't hang around to find out.
Take care
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female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (14 November 2006):
 Depression is unbelievably hard on a relationship--you have my deepest sympathies, because I know how difficult your situation is and it can stay bad for a long time.
First and most importantly, you do have to remember to take care of yourself. Take some space when you need it, have a sympathetic friend who is outside of the relationship to talk to, and make sure that you are doing things to keep yourself sane. You must always remind yourself that his depression is not your fault and you cannot single-handedly fix him. All you can do is support him in the best way you can.
Depressed people are incredibly hard on themselves--and they will read anything in a more negative light than you intended. Try your best to not ever tell him that he is bringing you down, or that you are tired of his depression, or anything along those lines. I'm sure he is already feeling plenty of guilt for what he is putting you through. Remind him whenever you can that you care for him and will support him if he wants it...but also that you will give him space as well. Don't think that you can say this once and then never again--it doesn't take much for a depressed person to read silence as lack of support/caring. Keep letting him know that you care about him and want him to get better.
On a practical note, suggest that he talk to a cognitive therapist. They are goal-oriented therapists and can help him to quickly get his depression under control.
I do wish you the best of luck, and if you need to vent, please feel free to keep coming back on here. We can handle it better than your boyfriend can at this point. It is hard to have your main support be unable to be there for you, but just try to remember how you would want him to support you if the positions were reversed. Best of luck to you both.
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female
reader, thenabear +, writes (14 November 2006):
 sounds to me like he needs real help. You can't help someone who is depressed. Most times depression is a medical condition due to a chemical imbalance. He probably doesn,t even realize he is depressed. But with most men his pride also will probably not allow him to seek help. Tell him you noticed his depression. explain to him that it is dragging you down too. If he loves you he isn,t going to want to hurt you as well. Be there for him especially if this only comes in phases and isn,t a contstant thing. But be firm if his behavior is to much to handle leave. Best way to avoid an argument while someone is depressed is to just not be there. The best thing you can do though is try to get him to get help. They have meds now that work wonders on depression..Check out some sights like www.depressionhurts.com They have good references. Also talk to people about how you feel. That will keep you in the game and not down in the dumps with him. How you feel when he is depressed matters. Because it also affects you. Talk to him..Heal yourself. Then the only thing you can do is see were it goes from there
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