A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts, 2 years ago you helped me a lot to clarify my relationship with my ex boyfriend. We split up, I felt really happy because it was the right thing to do for my phychological security's sake.The problem now is I am having a very similar situation in my life again, I am afraid! I was living as a single with nice and interesting affaires almost one year after I split up with my ex I mentioned above. That time I also had a friend, who was always somewhere "in neighborhood". He became my best friend, when I lived in Asia for awhile and seemed to be so good and caring about me and our relationship.Once I travelled to mountains, he wanted to join me during the trip. He spent many-many hours driving his car to come to me. We spent a very beautiful time together and then... we felt a bit more than just a friendship. We slept. I was the happiest person in the world, we never stopped having something interesting to discuss, our sex life was perfect and intensive, we understood each other even if we had different points of view. As it used to be before, like a couple with a strong background of beeing best friends. I thought he was he person who likes me the waz I am! Just a few weeks before he moved to my place we had the very first argument in our relationship (we had never argued as we were just friends) - he mentioned "splitting up". It was one of the most terrible discussions I've had. As I was soooo negatively surprised and it was the first time I cried because of him. But we came out of this situation, everything was okay again. Finally, he moved to my country for 2 years to complete his Masters and I said he could stay at mine until he finds a flat. We discuss it would be 1 or 2 months, but he still lives at mine - 9 months, he tried to find a flat, but it was too expensive and I thought he could help me a lot with housework, with dogs etc so I didn't say he should go in any case.It was my first mistake.Second mistake - I didn't learn the lesson that he's an escaper.He is a real excaper. He says he was never looking for a girl. Lived 6 years without relationship, had sex just once during this period. I tend to believe him. He had two long term relationships before, as he used to be a much more negative person than he is now. He came to God 6 years ago, changed his nickname, broke up with his mother and brother. He told me almost (!) the whole story after we decided to let our relationship be. It is horrible and I can't say he was completely right to leave his family in that way. Although I don't know the story as it was. I have met his dad, but I have never met his mother or brother (his parents had a very bad relationship since my bf was a baby and don't live together). He was punk and lived on streets and was a realm bad boy. The only thing I could notice this fact - his holes on he face, scars from piercing! But he always acted as a positive nerd and he has his good principles and I even thought he was too good for me!!! I turned out to be something really different as I used to see him. The first thing I've noticed he were not so nice (I mean not always) as he was joking and showed me a bad sign with his middle finger, the second was - sex, sometimes it was even rude, but I thought good boy in life, bad boy in sex - perfect! But it turned out he has a bad...hm lets better say a very complicated character. Third mistake - I couldn't feel his real nature from the very beginning and jumped into relationship without giving myself any time to discover all sides of him. Problems he has - he escapes them. He tends to go out of the house in the middle of arguing leaving me crying alone at home. He says he needs his "room" and wants to be alone, but it is hard for me to stand up and go that's why he goes outside just not to see me and not make the situation worse. He often showed me the way to the door or stood up himself and went out without saying a word. He has a good relationship with my parents, but he is disrespectful sometimes when the price is his interests.He is not completely selfish, but he is a user. He is childish, an offended child of his parents (something like this I would never tell him of course). The child who didn't get something from the life. He tried to change himself and wants to change myself. If somebody is sick or feeling bad, he is ignorant. He thinks, sickness comes if you have mental problems. If he gets sick, I should care etc, but he is not caring but more...irritated when I am ill. I got ill several time because of our sex life - infections in my bladder almost came up to guts and I had to stay in hospital for 5 days. Fortunately, a week after suffering of being ill I called hospital and asked for help. My boyfriend said I should not do it I just don't need to take medicines to get healthy again. I don't really undestand his approach to healthy issues. (I know he learnt it somewhere on spiritual workshops that are quite popular in his country and my ex was the same, so nothing surprising). He is critising me very often. The way I laugh, the way I do my things, the way I react on his jokes (quite stupid for me, but I still smiled at them). Actually, he is very similar to my ex. He turned out to be quite similar. Tickling me, knowing I don't like it. Making me care about money a lot, as he rarely has enough when we go out. Critising me for being me. Trying to make me someone else. Caring more about himself than about me. Using my place to live. Being supportive only when he thinks I am right. Having female friend who he helps a lot. Being not ready to have family with children in coming years (I am almost 25, he is 27). Being strict to me and hardly ready for forgiveness before I ask him to forgive me. I love him, he is a very very nice person when he has a good mood, when he shows himself towards other people or when I don't make any "mistake". I love him, maybe a bit less than I would like to love my man, but I was really ready to love him as the man of my life. I know he feels frustrated and I try to make myself better where I see I could work on my reactions and our relationship. Although I see I invest much more energy in it, trying to save everything, he follows his "being offended"... I come and ask to make it well, to leave it better and live happily. He says arguing is important to make it better in the future (on the other side, arguing kills his feelings though). Fourth mistake is my fear to split up. I just thought this relationship that is so similar to my last one could be a chance to correct my mistakes and live it better. My job now has a lot to do with him and it is the point I am not so happy about if we split up. I asked if we could stay friends as we used to be, he said he could not imagine it. But I cannot imagine to lose my friend I had before. Main mistake - making best friend a lover. What should I do? He gives us a chance again and again (I see he loves me, even if he is not tolerant with me), me either. But it doesn't get better... I dream of being a princess for my man and I try a lot, but it doesn't help. For him it is just not enough. For me - we have a lack of trust, I am fed up with crying my eyes out and trzing to save my self esteem.I know I should close this book and begin a new life. Fordif myself to fall in love with guys having such nature and find another one.Move on. But I don't feel like that. I tried to tell him we are over, but I couldn't. I still believe in something. To understand better what I mean under similarity between my ex and my current bf, you could read this question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-trust-him-to-be-a.html What should we do? What should I do?Thanks a lot. I believe that you could help.
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affair, best friend, broke up, mental problems, money, my ex, period, self esteem, sex life, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 May 2016):
Hello My dear,
This is not a mistake at all..."Main mistake - making best friend a lover."
In fact, you want your lover to become your best friend. Your main mistake is this...
"Fourth mistake is my fear to split up."
You see the problems even before you got this close, but you overlooked them just to have a relationship. You see the problems even more clearly now, and still you run from them.
What are you afraid of? If you stay in this relationship, you will end up hating him. If you break up, he may hate you. Either way, the right thing is the right thing.
He is not the only man or friend in this world....And it is better to live without any friends, than to live with your enemy.
Remember you said this at the beginning....
"I felt really happy because it was the right thing to do for my psychological security's sake."
Where do you think you are now?? Right back where you started. Life will always test you again and again with the same problems to see if you have learned your lesson.
Now it's time to see what you have learned.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 May 2016):
 I am the neglected sibling in the family so I had always attracted the same, or boyfriends who want to change me, improve me. That was when I was still insecure and not comfortable with my own skin. Once you mature and become more assertive, you will no longer want to be with boyfriends who are controlling or emotionally neglectful. There has to be something in you, or in your childhood that makes you attach to the same pattern or same kind of boyfriends.
The neglected child reacts in adulthood in two ways. One internalizes the pain and becomes the pleaser, hoping that by achieving something she can win back the love she deserves, perhaps the love that she missed in childhood. The other one turns his frustration outwards and becomes the narcissist. He tries to punish people who can't give him love and try to control how others should love him. Until you can reconcile with your parents and do some healing work, you will repeat your mistakes in your relationships.
People should not blame problems on their partner. They should not try to change people. The moment you find out the other would not accept you as who you are, is the moment you leave. Only desperate people stay. If you want to believe in something, believe in yourself because you can trust yourself in your self improvement progress.
I see that your boyfriend joined some kind of cult, for a sense of belonging. In this relationship it is a kind of mini cult. You have to decide that this is bad for you. You have to be your own parent now so you won't follow people who are bad for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): It sounds as if you got yourself again into a codependant relationship.
You should work on yourself and resolve your issues.
You say that you were happy being single, but somehow I got an impression that you were even happier when you started seeing your current bf.
Nothing is going to get better before you understand yourself better and deal with negative patterns. But it can be done!
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