A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Recently I have had suspicions that my partner is messaging other women and watching porn. What makes me think this? On a few occasions I have heard orgasms, which made me feel uncomfortable, as I don't like the thought of my partner getting off over other girls. Our sex life isn't as active as it used to be. When I thought he was watching porn I decided to make a point of having sex 2-3 times a week and introducing different things. I thought this would work but I heard him watching porn again last night. It really knocks my confidence and self esteem as I don't feel like I'm good enough. Why do I think he's messaging other women? This has happened in the past before. We had a massive argument about this as it was a year into the relationship and he has completely broken the trust. I found messages to several women, pictures and inappropriate messages which made me feel sick. Obviously you're thinking 'why are you still with him?' (Shortly after this, my mother passed away and he was there for me - I had more important things to be dealing with and he promised he'd change, be there for me as this was a massive shock to us all) Three years later, he's hiding his phone, taking it everywhere with him and it's making me suspicious. I clicked the front of his phone to check the time the other day and seen a girls name on his phone, instead of confronting him ( which I wish I did now ) I stormed out in anger. I spoke to him that night, I asked whether he loved me as I don't feel like he does anymore - he kept assuring me he did. I got myself worked up and so upset and he was holding me telling me he does love me, that he wanted a future with me, he wanted a pet, children a marriage with me. He said he would prove it, whether it takes 1 month, 1 year or 5 years he would prove he loves me. I don't know how to approach this situation with him. He goes away for the weekend this Friday and I need to have this conversation with him before then. I do love him but I don't know whether he realises what he's doing isn't what somebody does to someone they love. I'd like your help and advice on what I should do, how should I approach the situation?Thank you in advance :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 Why is he chatting to other girls? Because he knows you allowed him to get away with it when caught in the past so he knows he can do this to you and you will allow it. Does he know it hurts you? Yes but unfortunately he loves the attention from others more than you. You cannot fix this relationship as it is him that has broke it, and he has no intentions off changing any time soon am afraid. Honestly if you stay with him you will never trust him, and you will have an unhappy future. You are so young you are much better away from him. He may have helped you when your mum died but that should not give him a free pass to use you for the rest off your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2017): When reading a post, I take age and gender into consideration. I also know the influences technology and the media have on both sexes in regard to relationships.
You may go through a life-time trying to find a man who is 100% attracted to you and nobody else. You will never convince anyone you are 100% attracted to one and only one person, and no one else has ever been attractive to you but your boyfriend. It can then be argued that you must not have been attracted to your previous boyfriends. Or, if you breakup, you'll never be attracted to anyone else the rest of your life. We both know better than that. It's a matter of self-control, honoring trust, and valuing the person that you claim to love.
In modern society, few men (or boys) have never been exposed to some form of porn; or have never masturbated. It makes no sense to take that personally. You nor he can be 100% of what you want all the time; or satisfy every conceivable need each and every time. Most people may resort to self-gratification at some point while in a relationship.
You say you love him. So that means entrap him in your love and hate him for everything he does? Where's the logic in that?
There are men who don't like porn, and never view it. I don't care for it; but I have had some exposure to it. That will not stop men from doing what comes naturally; which will include masturbating. With or without porn! There are visuals always available to satisfy fantasies to enhance sexual arousal. Nothing can stop a man from becoming bored with routine sex; which by the way, will plateau or have a lull in every relationship. Anyone who claims they've never had a lull in their sex-drive is in a new relationship, may be an insatiable sex-addict; or they're flat-out lying.
It will happen eventually, because that's life and biology. It will resume to a normal-level; but not necessarily as intense as it might have been when you first started having sex. It may even improve as your love grows and you become more sensitive to your partner's emotional needs. Nagging, whining,or fighting about it doesn't help. It impedes your efforts to grow closer to your mate. Most of the time, men complain they aren't getting enough sex from their mates.
Those that do, still may only want a quick orgasm without help.
Unfortunately; the overuse of porn and too much masturbation does adversely affect your sex-life, but so will boredom. You don't always feel like having sex. When you've been together awhile it will slack-off. Nature pays little attention to what we demand our bodies to do!
You said you need a conversation (possibly an argument) with him about it. I don't know if that will change his habits. If you suspect him of contacting other females or cheating; what can a conversation do to rectify your suspicions? You've been down this road before; so I guess you have to make a decision.
You can't talk him out of doing what he does, if he doesn't want to stop it. He'll just hide it. So it's left up to you to decide if it is worth keeping him.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 You're very young OP and the reason I'm saying this is because you have the best years of your life in front of you. You have your entire 20s' lined up and you want to waste it on someone who you don't trust and possibly never will?
I get that you want to ask him what on earth he's up to but do you really think that going to tell you the truth? If he's up to some shady business then he'll go out of his way to try and convince you that he's innocent and in the end you'll feel like a fool and he'll go for his weekend away, grinning from ear to ear.
Trust your instincts. If your heart tells you that something is wrong, then it most probably is. A woman's instincts are rarely ever incorrect.
I think you can do better than this guy. Sure he stood by you in difficult times but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him no matter what. Thank him for his support and move on.
I personally don't believe in having a "break" and I feel this relationship has run its course. Trust once broken CANNOT be restored, no matter what. It's like a word that escapes your lips or an arrow from a bow.. You cannot get it back no matter how hard you try.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 May 2017):
 I don't really think there's a light way to go about this.
Just tell him you need to talk to him about some things that have been on your mind lately and beginning to stress you out. Get things into the open and let him share his side.
You've tried things on your side to spice the sex life up and he's still doing things that you think are a little shady so it doesn't seem to have worked.
I think you stayed with him for the wrong reasons, any of your friends or other family members could of been there for you in your time of need.
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A
female
reader, mk1998 +, writes (10 May 2017):
girl he's trash, the whole point of having a partner in life is so you can share your life with them and make memories and just love each other and if thats not the case leave his ass!!!! being insecure in a relationship is normal however if it is not dealt with as a couple then there are deeper issues.
you're better than this but i get it love is blinding and is hard to get over but just a piece of advice you know you have to end the relationship when you are having more bad times than the good!
All the best - xoxo MK
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A
female
reader, Zaragoza +, writes (10 May 2017):
 Dear you. I hope you are feeling better today. as you know he isn't worth you worrying about. You are worth more than all this pain and aggro in your life. How I wished someone would come and scream to me... "HE'S NASTY, MESSED UP AND PLAYING GAMES WITH YOUR HEAD" Luckily my own voice says that to me and so does yours infact. Search deep within, know your value. Sort out your issues, not his, no matter how attached you and he have become. his issues are not yours, they are all his, his lies, his cheating all the messiness he's putting onto you! You know I'm right. Come out of your pain. Your life and Love that is with YOU, is worth so much more ??
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