A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a crush on a man, who was out of my reach. It was inappropriate.But I told him I had a crush on him and he pretty much rejected me, with no answers after a lot of flirting, when we'd see each other, smiling, waving, winking etc. he didn't have any empathy for how difficult it was for me and how the crush was killing me.I didn't expect much out of him, but still after all the good signals I had been getting, I expected at least a shred of understanding for my feelings, but he said nothing.My question is now, how do I conduct myself when I see him? it's unavoidable. I'm obviously embarrassed and trying to keep a low profile, but it's difficult.Will I just ignore him, or does that come off as totally immature? I would really appreciate any advice on how to deal with the awkwardness, thankfully we don't really speak, but I don't know what to do when I see him.I've been ignoring him, I just really don't know what to do. Do I just ignore him completely, try to forget about the whole thing or do I remain somewhat normal, friendly and civil? As if nothing happened. I'm so confused! I can hardly look at him now. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? What did you do?Please don't tell me I was stupid to have told him, because I really needed to!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy partner knows I had a crush and we used to laugh and joke about it, but then it got worse for me, so at that point, I tried a therapist for nearly a year to try and get over it, it worked at first (CBT) but then the therapist stopped with the CBT and I felt the therapy wasn't going anywhere and it was expensive, so I left.
We stopped talkiing about the crush, as it was unfair to my partner, but it used to still bother me, until I finally dealt with it-as explained in my original post.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2013):
 How about your own marriage? Your husband? Did that figure in? Again not judging, just curious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the advice, and I agree that it was selfish of me to do what I did and I would never have done something like this normally, but it was really bringing me down (I tried therapy and it didn't work). This crush had been going on for years, and it was going nowhere and was just making me feel toxic, so I had to let it go and take huge risks by doing what I did, I'm totally aware of that, so I just went and took the risk, at least now, I won't have the regret of "what ifs". I decided that it was something I needed to do, to be selfish because I'd harboured the feelings for so long and could no longer deal with them.
I also did it after having a very difficult week emotionally after the death of a family friend who had a terminal illness and who died without any timeline of what time they had left,it was too sudden in the end, it was quite a shock, not getting to say goodbye was extremely painful and regretful, and there was also the birth of a baby in my immediate family just a few days after the funeral, which was quite a crazy bunch of emotions I've ever had to deal with in a short space of time. I'm still trying to cope with it all. And being pressured into trying to be happy when you're grieving and painfully sad, was as bad as the grief itself!
So what I'm saying is that I probably should have waited to let my emotions calm down a bit before I did anything. But I didn't want to put it off because I was sick of the regrets I have in life and didn't want anymore regrets, because this time, I could do something about it, even though it was selfish, risky and dangerous, I felt that life is too short sometimes to tiptoe around things all the time, I was sick of toeing the line! So I totally risked a lot and I knew there'd be awkwardness and that things would change, but it's just not knowing what to do when I see him is the difficulty I had, because I don't want to look at him in case he thinks I'm still trying to persue him, but I don't want to come off as totally bitter and immature either! I can't avoid seeing him around forever!
Moving on is what I'm trying to focus on now, and getting out of the rut. My community is small and sometimes very overbearing, so I'm really looking forward to the break I'm going to have from it in college.
Again, thanks so much for all the advice xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): Not to judge you personally...But it was a selfish thing to disrespect a person's avowed commitment to another by hitting on them. The poor man has never even spoken to you and he finds himself in the awkward position where you are confessing your feelings for him knowing fully well he's married.In his position, I'd feel like you disrespected my marriage by inviting me to cheat (you would have had an affair with him from the sound of it if he returned your feelings). And I'd also do my best to avoid you because the last thing I'd want is my wife raising questions about why I am talking to the crazy woman next door who declared feelings without us having ever talked. Do you see how it could potentially cause problems for him even if nothing happened?Again, please don't think I'm being harsh with you and saying you're a bad person. You felt what you felt and dealt with it in the best way for you. But it is in his best interests now more than ever to keep his distance from you. Just get on with your life and don't give more than a cursory glance as you would do a strange. It will be hard but you will grow immune to his presence in the neighborhood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so kindly for taking the time to give some fantastic advice. The reason it was so complicated was because we are both in our own relationships, he's married and has children, which is terrible I know, and I never intended to ever develop a crush on a married man, but I did and I felt very bad about it, so I felt that I needed to tell him to see what he'd say about it because I told him that it was beginning to upset me and that I needed to let it go, so I suppose he handled it quite well, in the circumstances.I knew it would never go anywhere but it was really wreaking my head, the questions I had, because we never spoke, so that's why I had to just do something to try and let go of it before I let go of my sanity! I still didn't get any real answers, but that in itself is a clear sign to move on and let it go. I am trying to stay as well away as possible, I work in my family business, which is just around the corner from his workplace. So it's very difficult not to see him, nearly every day. Thankfully I'm very fortunate to be going back to college in another town, so I'll be distracted, and hopefully I'll just let it go completely. Thanks again very much for the advice, even though I had an inappropriate crush, and I understand that it is difficult for people to empathise with people like me!I wish all of you the best xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): It would be amazing actually if he did have empathy. It's a rare find to meet someone who has enough manners and sofistication to handle the situation the way that the other party won't feel even worse after confession.
He handled it the way he could. It has nothing to do with you. It's just the way he is. Time heals, believe me, Ina very near future it will all look like just a little accident that happened to you. Try if you can act natural like it was before, that's the only way. And don't think of him like of a superior human comparing to you. He is a man like everyone else with his own battles to fight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Just play it cool.
He will be flattered. I mean lets face it, men are made that way. when someone confessed their feelings for them, most of the time it makes them happy.
Regardless if its from a lunch lady or the hot girl from school. The point is someone LIKES THEM.
So if i were you just play it cool. because he thinks about it. a bit and its making him feel good about him self.
In his mind, Someone likes me and I love the feeling.
How did i know, I have a brother, a younger one. His 16. and girls send him love letters.
His flattered. Always. Always asking do I look good?
Guys can be really funny. So don't worry about what he thinks. Just act normal.
Good luck.
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male
reader, Jammin75 +, writes (23 August 2013):
He'll be flattered. Everyone likes to be adored! However, he doesn't feel the same, so yeah, just act normal and treat him like you would any other friend. If you get the opportunity at any point could be worth making light if the situation by saying something like "hey...remember when I had my little crush on you? Haha, funny hey...but listen thanks for being cool about it and not making a big deal. Glad we're still friends".
Boom. Dealt with. Awkwardness over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Just be civil when you see him. I would ignore him unless you can not avoid direct contact. There are lots of ways of not having to be confronted by a situation. Be busy, go a different way. Who cares really what he thinks though. Maybe you fancied him, now you don't, you've moved on - think that and believe it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2013):
What do you do?
You behave like the guy is just another dude. I would say civil. It's kind of hard to be friendly when you made a blunder like that.
Some times we read other people wrong, this... was your time to do that. Don't beat yourself up.
I would NOT flirt with him or try to. Just be polite and civil.
Give it a little while and you will be able to let it go.
In the future, if you get strong feeling for someone and you are pretty sure they can't/won't/don;t feel the same way - then stop flirting because I think for you, the flirting means something more then "harmless" flirting.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (23 August 2013):
 I don't think your stupid at all.We can't help who we fall in love with or have crushes on, how we act upon them however we can.I think the flirting thing was nice for both of you but (and I don't know why you haven't said) he is unattainable.I think he knows a relationship with you would be inappropriate and was ok flirting when that was all it was. Once you let him know you had feelings for him it moved the goalposts and changed from being fun to dangerous.I think that his reaction is probably caused by not knowing how to react or what to say to you. He doesn't want to lead to you on or for you to get the wrong idea. This is uncomfortable for both of you.Although it's going to be hard for you, please don't be embarrassed about this. Hold your head up high, you have nothing to be ashamed of, this man should be flattered that you felt the way you did.I would try to just be yourself, if you should see each other smile, and if in close enough proximity say good morning, you don't have to mention your last conversation at all. I would act as if hadn't happened and I think you will find things move on to be comfortable again of their own accord.I wish you all the best x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): You do not have to totally ignore him. Just do not focus on him anymore. Live your life. Find your own happiness. He has no impact on your happiness. I have found that happiness is the best revenge. Be happy. Focus on you. Doing things you enjoy. Feeling better about yourself. Let yourself shine. Once you do this, he may think twice about rejecting you. It happened to me. I moved on from him. Showed him I was okay. That he did not break me. That I was strong and confident in myself. That my happiness did not depend on him... And what happened, he realized what he had lost and came back to me. This may or may not happen. But what will happen is that you will feel good about you. And this will open the door to new possibilities and new people in your life who will be attracted to your confidence and happiness.And no, you are not stupid for telling him. It takes strength and confidence to do that. Better to try and lose then never try and have regrets from never knowing because you were afraid to take a chance.Stand proud. It is not your loss. It is his.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Don't take it to heart. It was a miss. It happens to everyone.
Sure, you'll feel embarrassed and a little awkward; because you misread the signals.
Sometimes flirting is just a harmless exchange with no further meaning behind it. You took it to mean more. We all do it.
Just shrug it off. No big deal. Just relax and be yourself, and your discomfort will just fade with time.
Just look away, and pretend you don't notice him; until you actually don't. If you don't have to travel the same route you'll be likely to see him, don't.
Everybody knows that awkward feeling, trust me on that.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 August 2013):
 Is this person a teacher or a boss of yours?
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