A
male
age
36-40,
*nil D
writes:We broke off because of her family problems but this girl wants to be my close friend. She wanted me to maintain close levels of contacts with her perhaps was insecure about losing that charm after the breakup. We have had a hard time over accepting each other as friends and keep going back and forth. She is very understanding but she is hanging on to me partially out of habit and she shows closeness and concern and even I care for her a lot. Somehow, we have managed in reducing the addiction though it has been heart wrenching in behaving like friends and not showing love to each other. She is really a nice person to be with and I don't want to hurt her. I am heartly thankful to all my friends who had replied to my earlier question and helped me. I felt tied to this girl and anyhow wanted to reduce the attachment because this wouldn't have let us move on but we deeply cared for each other, rather, she was more caring and loving to me. It has been really very hurting for me to resist such a caring girl as we had been together for quite a long time and I am myself a very emotional kinda guy. Surely, I have achieved this freedom on the cost of hurting her but she has to understand this and socialise her own life with friends and fun. Now, as usual, I am feeling guilty and lonely although I very well understand that these are the initial phases of breakup and it's natural. My question to all my friends is... how often should I talk to her? We have managed to reduce addiction to much greater extent. Now what should be my next step? Will she be hurt if I call her every 2 days or so? She said she won't mind it as my studies are more important but I am not convinced and feel like I have been unfair to the person who have loved me so much and expects love from me in return. Already I have hurt her in resisting her since long and I seemed unexpecting to her but she still loves me and has never told me anything. My mind is saturated with thoughts and I am pissed off! Can't I be her friend after breakup like she has other friends ?
View related questions:
insecure, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (26 November 2008):
 I agree with talktoomuch, you sound like a very kind and caring young man.
This is always going to happen in a breakup when one person cares more than the other. You will probably be in the same situation one day when a girl you love wants to move on.
This will always be the case no matter how old you are! So, this is good practice to use in the future. Also, because people are usually not ready to enter a lifelong relationship, you need perhaps to not rush into sex with someone. Sexuality especially for women, creates a very strong bond that is very difficult to recover from.
Expect that either you or the girl you are sexually involved with is going to fall in love very deeply and someone will be hurt when its over.
Nothing you say to her will really help her avoid pain. She obviously wasn't ready for you to leave her. There isn't any magic way to make her pain or longing for you go away.
If you really do like her as a friend and want to continue the friendship, what happens when you meet someone else? She won't have an easy time with that.
I think at this point you need to explain why you needed to end this. Nothing you tell her will help her feel better but you need to let her know that you will be there only as a friend. You can not ever have sex with her again otherwise she will think there is hope to get back together.
Its not so much addiction to you as it is a bond that was created. WOmen have chemicals in their brain and body that men don't have. It is the same chemicals that insures a woman bonds with their children.
Be careful in the future because sex will always bring on strong feelings for someone and when its time to move on, someone is going to be very very hurt. This is a part of life that is unavoidable.
No easy answers here. Just don't have small talk when you call. Perhaps encourage her to ask you questions and that will help you both learn to communicate for future relationships.
Also, let her know that as soon as she meets someone else she will have no problem forgetting all about you, that this is true for every human in all the world.
Well, good luck. I think I would make each call a bit longer in between. Once a week, once every 2 weeks, once a month. Perhaps something like that. At least you care enough to realize the pain a girl experiences. And prepare yourself that one day this will happen to you as well.
|
