A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How often should a healthy couple have sex? I know this is a subjective question and every couple is different. I ask because my partner (32m) and I (32f) have been having issues around this lately. My natural rhythm dictates about 2-4 times per week, depending on the week. I work 12 hour weekend overnight shifts so I'm often less sexual during those day work days, which amounts to every other week. My partner could have sex multiple times per day. He seems to get very frustrated if we go more than a day between sessions. I have heard of dead bedroom issues, where weeks/months will pass, but I don't think we're on that level... however, he treats it as such. He's constantly making attempts to have sex. He refuses to masturbate because he admits to being addicted to it in the past and would masterbate five times a day. He says he feels much healthier going at my rhythm and letting me dictate things, but then still begs for sex. I've tried several compromises because he feels very rejected when I say no... one such was that I be the only to initiate sex and seduce him, which we tried, but then he goes back to asking each time very quickly. He then says that I must not view sex the same way as he does, this deep passionate act of intimacy... that I view it with this nonchalant attitude because I prioritize making a healthy meal before going to work over having a "quickie". That sex and emotional connection take priority over other things. This just offends me, honestly. I lead a busy life with many hobbies and overall passions that I have to balance, sex and intimacy being one of them. When I reject him, he becomes very sullen, feels unattractive, basically becomes depressed. When talking to him he says he knows it's his issue, he's trying to deal with it, but he can't help his emotional response.Am I in the wrong? Should he try and find someone on the same level? I love him and I want him to be happy. I don't want to keep making him miserable several times per week when I'm not in the mood. And truthfully, my patience has worn thin. I've been reacting " the nice way" but I am starting to flare with anger at his pouting.... which isn't useful.
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male
reader, Bowie +, writes (3 May 2018):
Odd, I am in a parallel situation with my wife of 20 years. We have sex 3 times a week, which is 2x fold greater than the average married couple yet if we deviate from the every other day routine, I get pretty irritable, feeling unloved etc which is a bit nuts as my wife adores me and I her. But I do take rejection very personally. I should preface this by saying I was sexually abused and contrary to what one might think, I am definitely more on the hypersexual side than asexual. I view sex as love and it’s a validation of my worth to some degree. I guess I am always on the lookout for being unloved which may reflect the fact that sometimes I feel unlovable. I do masterbate on occasion, it’s just a little lonely. So what my insight is which may apply to your situation is to stop being so persistent or in a way demanding as it’s just not an aphrodisiac. 2-4 times sounds reasonable. Perhaps when you do reject his advances, you might promise him to make a big effort the next night and reassure him that you love him and are attracted to him. It bums me out that my wife almost never initiates and doesn’t really do foreplay so I do feel undesired. Most guys want to feel desired and appreciated. ... It’s a very tough situation and I almost want to try and stop trying as I feel it’s a power struggle which sex shouldn’t be that way. .
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): He sounds unreasonable. Having said that I also feel rejected when my wife doesn't want to have sex. However, (thank god) I don't have nearly as high a sex drive as your partner and have pretty much adapted to her schedule.
He should work on his self-control and get masturbating! :)
Keep in mind that in 5 years time it may very well be that your sex drive has increased and his has decreased a bit.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2018): A couples amount of times they have sex per week depends on lots of factors, time, health,work etc but also their sex drives.
Your boyfriend's sex drive is very high but by what you have said yours is not low. He is not respectful regardless of the fact you don't want to do it all the time and long term I don't think many women would want it as often as he does. Tell him to get a blow up doll as a girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 April 2018):
 Generally men and women view sex very differently. Men need sex to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to want sex. He knows it is irrational but, to him, when you reject sex, you reject HIM. His pouting and sulking then makes you feel even LESS like having sex, which is definitely not helping the situation.
Can you agree that, on days you don't have sex, you will reassure him some other way that you do love him? Do you kiss and cuddle at times you don't have sex and show affection in other ways?
Having lived with someone just like your partner (albeit many years ago when I was still very young), I totally understand how uncomfortable this situation is. We ended up splitting up, mainly due to the fact that I got sick of his whining and his sarcastic remarks when he couldn't get his own way, which slowly eroded the love I had felt for him.
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