A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have this problem with a friend of mine (we are both gay men). He is very close to my best friend. This friend, who can sometimes be great and at other times be utterly creepy. He can be the kindest, most helpful person and in a whim switch to a hyperactive eccentric person with no idea of appropriate boundaries (he is 32). I always accepted his behavior and chalked it up to eccentricity due to him being an artist. But over last three years, he has started becoming very grabby. I have on numerous occasions politely asked him not to touch me in certain places. I explained I have no romantic or sexual interest in him and get very freaked out when he does it. He sees himself as a victim and sees my rejecting his wandering hands as a rejection. On one occasion a few years ago we had our arms around each other in a club in a friendly way, and he started trying to put his hand down my trousers, he claimed “as a joke”, and cos he had drunk and taken so many drugs was shouting down my ears, I told him I didn’t like this behavior. And he told me I was overreacting and overthinking things. He makes constant “jokes” about wanting to put my earlobes in his mouth in front of my friends, he later “jokingly” asked me to get him a beer and then hollered at me not to get raped on the way. Totally inappropriate and frankly embarrassing in front of my friends who he’d just met.I tell him I don’t feel comfortable with these kinds of jokes. His response is that he can tell whatever jokes he wants, and I’m just being neurotic. He then started throwing pistachio shells into my t shirt while I was talking. I know I need to now distance myself from this friend, but how do I do that without my best friend seeing me as a drama queen (he doesn’t empathise with what I saw), and my best friend keeps inviting this friend. This friend also keeps messaging me and trying to hang out because he doesn’t have any other friends really.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 April 2018):
 I am not surprised he doesn't have any other friends if that is how he treats them. I mean, how old is this guy? He sounds very immature, whatever age he is.
In your shoes I would be tempted to be as rude as this silly man is. If he touched me inappropriately, I would push him away and tell him, in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, "get your hands off me". Next time, do it in an even MORE assertive way. Say something like "I have asked you repeatedly, now I am TELLING YOU - do NOT touch me". Never feel guilty about making someone feel bad when you are protecting your personal space, especially when this is not the first time and they already KNOW the boundaries but CHOOSE to ignore them.
I think also that YOU need to not ALLOW any misunderstanding about boundaries. Perhaps allowing this man to have his arm around you is NOT a good idea until he learns that you are off limits?
Can you speak to your best friend and ask if you two can spend time together without the other guy?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 April 2018):
 He isn't going to change.
You have tried on many occasions to set up boundaries. NORMAL and quite common boundaries (from what you write) as in, don't grab my crotch/bum. ALL socially acceptable boundaries. I mean who really goes around groping people and then get miffed when told no? A 3 year old maybe?
As for your best friend, I'd be honest and tell him you would LOVE to spend time with him, but not if the other dude is around. If he wants to call you a drama-queen over that... how good of a friend is he?
If this "Mr. Handsy" makes you uncomfortable the best thing you can do is avoid spending time with him. He is WAY to old for this crotch grabbing crap.
And it might mean that you need to not see your best friend a while to show him you are serious. So IF your best friend wants to still see you, it will be WITH out "Mr. Handsy".
You have every right to pick and choose who you want to socialize with.
If any of my friends or acquaintances always tried to grab my boobs I think I would end up punching them, but that is not a good solution... lol I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to hang out with them.
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