A
female
age
41-50,
*ibliophile
writes:I'm hoping folks can give me some perspective on my current relationship. I feel like I'm at a cross roads personally, and I don't know what to do. If I was to reduce it to a question, it would be: "Do I invest more energy in this relationship, or do I move on?"I have been dating the same man for just over 2 and a half years. I met him while working abroad, and initially, we were both cautious with our relationship as we had both been in long distance (as in two continents) relationships and been deeply hurt (though him more than me). At the moment, my job keeps me in the same country as him, and we've had the opportunity to deepen our relationship and have become quite serious about each other (I've spent the holidays with his family the past 2 years, we've travelled together, we often talk of how we work as a team). We've talked about marriage, and agreed that it is in our future, however we are not engaged.This bothers me. In fact, a few things bother me, and I was hoping folks could let me know if I've got legitimate concerns, or if I'm letting my own insecurities get the better of me. If anyone has been in a similar situation, and it has or hasn't worked out, and you'd like to tell me about it, I'd really appreciate it.So first - I'm bothered by the fact that we've been dating almost 3 years, and we've talked about marriage, but he hasn't proposed. I know part of this is because he's been waiting to meet my family (which will happen in a couple of days!), but I can't help but feel that part of it is also because he's just not ready to make such a big decision. Age is a factor here. I'm 32 and he's 38. Neither of us want children, but I would like to be married.Second - I'm bothered by the fact that up to this point, it has been the circumstances of my job that have dictated whether or not we'd be in the same country. Initially, both of us were hesitant to jump into a serious, international flights back and forth kind of relationship (we'd only known each other 4 months), and I was fine with that. Now, however, I can't help but feel like there should be more of a balance. Granted, he is flying over here -- arriving in a day or two -- for a three week visit, however for part of me this is too little too late. Another, larger, part of me is more understanding and patient, and just happy he is *finally coming.Third - Our sex life hasn't been great. We are both relatively inexperienced. I have a history of sexual abuse, and have only had a couple of partners in my life, and he's still a virgin. We've talked openly about sex, and have agreed that we will take things at a pace that is comfortable for both of us, however, I feel again, like I've been more than patient, and I would like us to move beyond where we are now. I suppose it comes down to this: I feel like I've made quite a few concessions in this relationship, under the guise of being "patient" and "understanding" and I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of waiting for him to decide if he's ready for marriage, and tired of waiting for him to be okay with travelling abroad to meet my family. I'm also tired of waiting for the development of our sexual life. I'm optimistic that on this visit we'll be able to talk about this, but I'm also scared. Ultimatums of any sort are not my style, and I don't want to dish one out. But I'm reaching the point where I just might.How long is too long to wait, and how much patience is too much patience?Thanks in advance! xx
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engaged, long distance, move on, sex life, still a virgin, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VenaCava  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Hi Bibliophile,
I can only tell you about my own experience. Maybe you can get something out of that.
Prior to marriage, my husband and I were having this “between two continents” type of relationship too. Both of us were virgins too at that time, I mean really virgin, both of us have never even been kissed.
It is great that you met his family already, which means this relationship is on the very right path. It will be even better after he met your family. Trust me, especially if your family like him. (Moral support from family could mean a lot in a prior marriage relationship).
My husband was too shy to propose, so I proposed him. He said yes, and then we moved together to his country.
Now I know that many women feel embarrassed to propose a man, but don’t let moral code get in the way to your happiness.
Some men are so shy and unsure until they heard the question asked by their partner and then said a firm “yes, I would.”
At that time, everyone I know said that the “sacrifice” on my part was too big. I left my near graduate master study and my great job, I left my entire family and my beautiful house, I left the nice stable life I’ve spent years to build just to become this man’s wife.
It’s been five years since then, and I’ve NEVER regret a single second of it. It was a big gamble, but I was lucky to win the Jackpot.
I’d say your concerns are normal. It means that you are seriously thinking about taking this relationship to another level.
Let’s just wait and see what happened after your partner meets your family. In the end, both of you have to make sacrifice in order for this relationship to work, maybe one partner has to sacrifice more than the other.
However, if you think that this man’s worth it, why not?
Good luck and many hugs from me.
A
female
reader, VenaCava +, writes (3 August 2010):
Hi Bibliophile,I can only tell you about my own experience. Maybe you can get something out of that.Prior to marriage, my husband and I were having this “between two continents” type of relationship too. Both of us were virgins too at that time, I mean really virgin, both of us have never even been kissed.It is great that you met his family already, which means this relationship is on the very right path. It will be even better after he met your family. Trust me, especially if your family like him. (Moral support from family could mean a lot in a prior marriage relationship).My husband was too shy to propose, so I proposed him. He said yes, and then we moved together to his country. Now I know that many women feel embarrassed to propose a man, but don’t let moral code get in the way to your happiness. Some men are so shy and unsure until they heard the question asked by their partner and then said a firm “yes, I would.” At that time, everyone I know said that the “sacrifice” on my part was too big. I left my near graduate master study and my great job, I left my entire family and my beautiful house, I left the nice stable life I’ve spent years to build just to become this man’s wife.It’s been five years since then, and I’ve NEVER regret a single second of it. It was a big gamble, but I was lucky to win the Jackpot.I’d say your concerns are normal. It means that you are seriously thinking about taking this relationship to another level. Let’s just wait and see what happened after your partner meets your family. In the end, both of you have to make sacrifice in order for this relationship to work, maybe one partner has to sacrifice more than the other.However, if you think that this man’s worth it, why not? Good luck and many hugs from me.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Although I don't have an answer to your question, and I doubt that anyone can put time limits on something so unique to you or tell you how much is too much.
What I do sense here is a lack of communication between the two of you. You've invested three years into this relationship and I don't think it would be wise to make decisions without talking to him first.
You're frustrated with waiting for a proposal, with the lack of sexual intimacy, with the living/travelling arrangements. You've come to a road block it seems.
If I was you I would sit down and re-evaluate what it is that I really want. Once you know what YOU really want it will be easier to make a decision and stick to it.
Perhaps the relationship has reached its end, but it's also possible that you've just come to a point where you need to air out your thoughts and work on the issues you have.
Bottom line is, you need to know what you want and you then need to have a long and honest talk with him. For all you know, he probably thinks it's all fine.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): honestly i think both of you are in diffrent places in the sense of what you want, 3years is a long time but then again marraige is a big step espically when u hardly see each other, your partner could be nervous that it might not work out between you once you have made the final step into spendin the rest of your life together, bt look on the possitive side you have talked about it and agreed to itin the future . your sex life is of course your buisness and a personal matter this will sound blunt, but both of you being quiet inexperience shold only give you the oppertunity to broadin your mind an think abot things, im sorry you were sexually abused but you have been with this gy for three years you should at least trust him enough at this point to go the whole way
personally i think this relationship is a dead end , it jus seems like you have to much that you arnt happy with at the moment that it could never work if you were married, sex is a major part of problems when couples are not happy in relationships is a proven fact that sex has a major influence on relationships
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (3 August 2010):
You sound like a very intelligent young woman, and knows what you want out of life! i think you are doing fine and if hes not ready for marriage? and you are? you can't force it on a man. maybe theres a reason why? hes not ready just ask him right out and see what hes got to say! and hear him out and go from there. then make your decision on what you want to do! do you want to wait until you both are ready i mean that sounds like then your on the right path and you can makes plans set goals in both of your lives where you want to live, work and build your foundation. why rush as long as you 2 love each other build your life together. and get to know one another! i don't know if you know this? but sex is a big part of a relationship and you say you haven't been w/ each other yet? in that way. don't you wanna know i mean you are not a virgin, i know i would. i have known so many people that say they wished they had had sex first.
Just saying don't mean to come off as crude but it's the truth.why has it been 3 yrs and you haven't had sex w/ him why is he waiting???
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): i feel that you are worrying too much. I wouldnt get engaged either until i met your family. Thats the proper step before marriage. And the job thing you knew about. You probably are both workaholics perhaps? Maybe you want to slow down and he doesn't. So you will have to think about that part. And the sex isnt his fault. Abuse as you know can effect you forever. You just have to be patient until you are both ready. If he has been a good man to you, and honest about everything its up to you to take it or leave it. But i wouldnt say he has done your wrong from your post. Good luck!
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