A
female
age
36-40,
*neeyeopenoneeyeclosed
writes:I'm 24, I've never been married, lived with a boyfriend, or had a child. My boyfriend is 42, has been married twice and has a 4 year old daughter. His last marriage ended 2.5 years ago and neither one of his marriages were long-lasting. We have been together for 7 months and, as can be expected, have already dealt with many hurdles.He is very good to me. He helps me around my apartment, he takes care of my dog when I go away, he does thoughtful things for me on a regular basis, he encourages me to go to graduate school and grow as a person, and he includes me in all aspects of his life. He also has told me on multiple occasions that if we end up together, that he would have more children with me and he would like to do the whole family thing with me. We get along very well and have nice chemistry. His daughter, who he has every other weekend and one day a week, is also wonderful. She is just a doll and I've grown very attached to her and vice versa.My main problem with the relationship is that he still can't tell me that he loves me. I've told him that I love him and he has told me that he doesn't know yet. The situation has made me pretty seriously depressed (which which runs in my family and I have gone through several times before). I have taken a lot of my depression out on him, which has taken a toll on him and our relationship. He is really is wonderful, so of course he has stuck it out....helped me get counseling, he has even offered to go to counseling together if I don't start getting better.We got into an argument last week and I told him that he isn't being fair to me because I am putting everything on the line for our relationship and he won't even risk loving me. He responded that it isn't fair of me to expect him to be able to be normal. Our relationship and my innocence have made him really realize that he has been divorced, not once, but twice. He said that every time he drops his daughter off at his ex-wife's house, it's like he loses his daughter all over again. He also expressed that he is still not the same since his uncle past away (which happened a month before he and I started dating). Acting cautious with me is not an option or something he can help. He can't change his experiences or the effects they have had on him.I understand that these are serious events, and I really can't expect him to be as a credulous as a 24 year old with a clean slate, but I also think that I have a point too. He is going to have to make an emotional investment in me and our relationship in order for us to work or have a future together. Love is a non-negotiable for me.I'm looking for advice on how to cope with this and be patient. I can't help ruminating on the fact that he has loved these other women enough to commit himself through marriage and to create a child with one of them. The thoughts won't stop.He feels like I am pressuring him. It is hard for him to make such a strong statement about love when it seems like every week we have to combat situational differences. He feels guilty for me being depressed and it hurts him. It's such a Catch 22, because I can't help being sad and depressed when I don't feel loved. There isn't anything that would make me "okay" with unrequited love, but there has to be a way I can put aside my feelings long enough not to let our relationship just happen.Quite honestly, I have already made a lot of sacrifices to be with him, that wouldn't be worth it for anyone else. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out for him, or at what point should I read that book "He's Just Not That Into You" and run for the hills. What is a normal period of time to be with someone before you are sure that there is love? It seems to me that once you've found your partner, most people just know and all the bs gets thrown out the window.I don't want him to keep me around just because I'm good to him and his daughter, and because he'd be stupid not to stay with me. I want him to love me and sweep me off my feet, despite all of the obstacles. I really don't think that emotional availability is too much to ask of him.Any advice would be much appreciated.Thanks.
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depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Back off on the do you love me stuff for a while. Give him the time to come to that conclusion and if he doesn't you can re-analyse. Like the other post said he obviously cares for you. As to how long you should wait? I guess that is how long you are willing to wait.
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female
reader, oneeyeopenoneeyeclosed +, writes (31 August 2008):
oneeyeopenoneeyeclosed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Actions speak louder than words. You have problems this guy has problems, but still he treats you like a princess. You need more, you need promises, you need a commitment, what if he can't give them to you at the moment. What if your genetic illness (Depression) is scaring him away....
Love is non-negotiable to you... well if you cannot compromise, then your relationship is over. Let this wonderful guy and his beautiful daughter go.
You can't force someone to say the words, and the more you demand it, the more they back away and run off. Have some sympathy for him. He has a young daughter, he has a young girlfriend (you) who suffers from depression, his has ex-wives and a dead uncle, he has to treat you right and help you with your problems, and on top of all this, you keep asking him, no demanding, that he say he loves you or you will dump his confused ass..... Poor guy, he deserves a bloody medal...
Have some compassion for a simple, average man who is trying to do his best by you...
Reading that book will help, yes go and buy it if you can. You've made big sacrifices, I wonder what they are, but it seems from your description, that he is trying to pay you back in kind.... Have you ever thought that maybe your depression is leading you astray, maybe by fighting you are trying to push him away. Go for some counselling, try to discuss what your feeling and make sure that it is you who is non-negotiable and not your bloody illness...
Good luck in whatever you do, and remember to always take care of you, blessings...
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female
reader, ItsEmma +, writes (31 August 2008):
 First of all, thank you. This is the first time I've read a question and it has had all correct grammar and spelling. (:Secondly, that is a very, very confusing situation, but I'll add my two cents.Your boyfriend is obviously going though a lot right now, his uncle passed, and he hates having to see his child go back to his ex. I feel that because his past two relationships failed, he is obviously going to go slower this time-- to make sure he gets it right. And when you said your concerns that he loved his exes enough to marry them, or something along those lines, we have to remember that maybe he DIDN'T really love his exes. People get married, but they don't nessecsarily love each other. It could be lust, infatuation, desperation, or many other things. But you, you love this man, obviously, adore his child, and are feeling rejected because he dosen't say he loves you. I get that as well. I know you wouldn't want to hear this, but my first reaction would be to give him some time. I'm sorry, and I know it wouldn't help your depression, but think of it this way: from an outsider, it's obvious that he loves you. It sounds like the perfect relationsihp, in my eyes. He dosen't have to say it, as nice as that would be, for him to actually love you. (: Don't fret. He dosen't want you around just because you're good to his daughter, or else he wouldn't even be considering spending the rest of his life with you, having children with you, ect.~Emma
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