A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Any other women had this issue? I've been friendly with a guy at work for about 3 years. As far as I am concerned I've treated him just like any other guy at work i.e. professionally. So, we are not friends as such, but certainly friendly towards each other. Me: married - no children. Him: not married - two children. Earlier his year he started flirting with me 'unprofessionally' shall we say. For a while I kept him at arm's length and then I started flirting with him. I thought nothing more about it. Next thing you know he asked me out! I turned him down immediately. I was so shocked by his approach that I've decided not to talk to him ever again (not even meet his gaze/make eye contact) unless there is a strict business need. He is a discreet man and I think he has accepted this inevitability. Can't help thinking though that if he was someone else I would just be laughing the matter off and keeping the guy in the 'friend-zone' - i.e. still be talking with him. I'm wondering therefore why I cannot do this with this guy. He used to make me laugh and is pleasant enough - and he was also a bit shy around me (somewhat understandably in hindsight!). I feel a little bit guilty to be honest with you since I sense that he genuinely does like me very much. Do you think I'm being 'weak' by not being able to have any further office banter with him, or am I being strong? I'm not sure how long I can keep this cold shoulder approach going. As I said, any other guy and I'd be treating him differently. Perhaps I'm in denial. Do I fancy him too? He is actually rather attractive even if I say so myself! Anyway, if I start becoming friendlier towards him will he misinterpret this as a green traffic light for an affair? Worse still, there's a departmental re-structuring about to take place which could well put us in the same department which means I could be seeing him every day. Can't leave the company though - we both have bills to pay and I’ve just moved house! Think I'm a little confused to be honest – help!!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Hi, interesting question. I think that maybe you're a bit shaken up by the whole thing and that you feel you lost control of the situation. You'd been perfectly fine with the banter and the flirting but then he actually tried to make it real, and you were so shocked that you had to shut down, completely shut him out. You're so outside your comfort zone and any previous experience that you have no idea how to handle this.
Maybe you were a little too tempted by him and the idea that you could be unfaithful, and that makes you feel awful about yourself. You may indeed be in denail. "Who, me? I couldn't actually be that woman, so I'm going to pretend it never happened and he's a now a stranger to me." You're punishing him for having the audacity to take the flirting seriously, and you're punishing yourself because you allowed it to happen.
He began pursuing you, by flirting with you and then asking you out when you gave him the cue by flirting back. Maybe he's a secret player? An unfaithful husband who manages to keep it under wraps? You are so appalled by your lack of judgement by flirting with this man that you cannot even accept that you fell for him and were a teensy bit tempted.
All of this is mere conjecture on my part. And of course, there's no one you can discuss this with, as it will almost certainly get back to your husband.
I think you need to take the control back, and on your own terms. I have no idea if this is something you'll be comfortable with, but I think you need to have a talk with this guy. Don't tell him that you enjoyed the flirting, even if you did. Don't give him ANY reason to think that he was ever in with a chance. But do tell him that you regret the change in the professional relationship and that you would like to make it clear to him that you are 100% off-limits. You want to get back to some level of professional interaction with him, without feeling uncomfortable, and this may take some time.
Look, your extreme change in demeanor to this guy will not have gone unnoticed by your colleagues, if it's as extreme as you say. No eye contact, no friendliness? This may have some people wondering what did happen between you two, so you need to nip this in the bud, especially if there's a chance you'll be in the same department soon.
So if I were you, I'd try to steel myself, have a very brief but firm discussion with him and let him know that you regret the whole thing. That you're going to work with him on a professional level only and that ANY flirting is now off-limits.
Then go home to your husband and apply any of those zingy feelings you were experiencing with the flirting to the marriage and reconnect with him. Just don't overdo it, or he'll wonder what you've been up to. That's only semi-joking on my part there, the overdoing it part, I mean.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
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