A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've had two very serious relationships in my life (they lasted one and five years respectively, and I was going to move in with the last one) and I see a common pattern between them. Okay, two relationships may not be statistically significant, but still.Both girls were initially rather insecure and unaware of their beauty; they were not ugly at all, just not the kind of girls who are usually thought as "attractive". They had never been in a relationship before so they didn't know much about seduction either.I always felt the need to tell them how charming and beautiful they were and how lucky I was to be with them. Sometimes I joked about it in a good way, like "The other day I saw Miss Universe on TV, but you didn't show up. Were you too busy that day?" or "Are you ready to go shopping? Oh, you look lovely! Try not to break too many hearts out there.". I complimented them on their romantic gestures, the cute things they said and the little things that made me love them.They usually rejected my compliments, arguing that they were not pretty and I was crazy for thinking those things.Both relationships ended with the girl becoming unusually vain, self-centered, full of herself and eventually flirting with other men until they ended up cheating on me.Somehow I feel like I unknowingly trained them to be like that. Maybe if I hadn't praised them so much, they would have stayed humble and faithful. Maybe I wouldn't be alone now.Am I responsible? Was I doing wrong? How much compliments is "too much"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): They must thank you because through you they gained confidence..but the negative side is that they gained over-confidence..
i think this is not your fault,i mean people are not the same, it's just that some people really are when complimented thinks that they are already somebody..maybe what happened to you was just a co-incidence..
for me,there's no too much compliments as long as what you are saying is all true..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Sometimes girls, do not take compliments. Yes. I am one of them, because compliments that are too easily given... seem fake to me. If you really mean it say it, but don't say that to them to make them feel better...or because they tell you "oh I'm not pretty enough!" Then you should not give her a full speech on her beauty to engrand her ego. If you really feel it, maybe you can keep it to something simple? Like if she says this, just kissing her...or saying something simpler if you mean it like "To me you are great" :) or dunno.
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A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (7 January 2011):
In my experience, it is often the girls who have confidence and self esteem issues that will eventually cheat. Here's how it goes - they don't have a good self image, so when you come along and compliment them it makes them feel good. Like they're getting a high off of you. Over time that high fades as they grow used to the idea that you find them attractive. They then get compliments and attention from other men, which gives them a new high. They begin to crave this new high, and eventually it leads to outright cheating.
Now, I'm not saying that all women with low self esteem are prone to cheating, nor that confident women are immune to it. However, there's definitely a link. For this reason I use a woman's level of confidence to filter them out when I'm dating, and I very rarely dole out compliments (particularly in the beginning of a relationship). The kind of girls I want to date is one who is hot and knows it, she doesn't need to hear it from me - my interest in her says all she needs to hear.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I don't think you've given enough information on the women and/or yourself to give advice. But if I had to add something the one thing that struck a cord was when you said you would say that you were lucky to be with them. If you did that plus give them all the compliments then I'm sure that didn't help because you were essentially blowing them up while saying you weren't good enough. Not a good combination which could have attributed to them cheating amongst other reasons. Either way you do not seem distraught over this and rightly so. If they are cheaters and can't be straight up with you then let others deal with them.
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