A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We had some issues a couple of years back when my wife thought about cheating on me. She never went with the other man but considered it. He worked hard to sleep with her and she lied to me about it all until I found out from others. This happened once before at the beginning of our marriage years ago but that was my fault. Anyway we've gotten better for the last couple of years. She has a new job, new friends, and the other guy is out of the picture. Problem now is she has this new group of friends, all married with children, but who think that cheating is as least sometimes okay. They go out weekly, now and then more than that, drink and allow the inappropriate attentions of men. I caught word of at least one of her friends being unhappy in her marriage and working to pick up other men while out. The others have turned out to be unhappy too. I tell my wife that cheaters are not good people to be around especially given our past issues. My wife excused her friends' behavior because they're unhappy in their marriages. Their husbands do sound awful. One good thing out of this, for us, is that my wife has seen what genuinely bad husbands are like. One even tried to pick her up once. But the bad outweighs the good here I think and I have told her. I think if she is around this kind of group she will only make us have problems again and make herself unhappy. She disagrees and has said she values these nights out as being necessary to her happiness. Am I right that this is a problem? If her friends are cheaters is she more likely to have those problems again? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): OP here, this is my first follow up. Thanks everyone who has responded. Several answers though seem to make an assumption that I approved this or did nothing about it, which is obviously not the case. I wouldn't be here if this was fine with me. It's something we fought about forever until she got much better in her behavior. But then she got this group of friends who I have questions about.The incident early in our marriage was one where I was simply not wanting to be married and I made that very clear. Our first year I didn't want to be there, I was young and pressured by both families to be married. My wife found another man emotionally but not physically to be with, so I blame myself for that and what could have happened, but he turned out to be an even bigger jerk than me then. Since then we both got better and had years of good marriage until the incident I found out about several years ago. I don't approve of either situation, the first was understandable because of my own behavior. The second not at all, because I was doing all I could for us, without help from her because she claimed to have no time for me. Well that was because she was being wooed by this other man.We did better for several years, though her attitude remained one of she has the right to accept the outside attentions of other men if I don't do what she wants as a husband. I finally told her I would probably divorce her. She freaked out and finally took me seriously, and she worked hard to be a better wife. Then these last few months she took up with this group. All are unhappy as I say. Some, maybe all, are open to the idea of a woman cheating out of necessity. And one of them actively tries to get laid when they're out on their nights at bars. Hope this clears some things up, thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): I agree with you. Of course your wife has her own mind! THAT is not the issue. In this case, I do agree that her poor choice in friends could further indulge what ever she was feeling before and go on to create more issues. I personally try to select my friends based on what we both enjoy and how they are as people. My friends do enjoy clubbing and drinking, I dont enjoy it as much, but I still go and have a good time. And my friends are good enough people where if you are drunk thet will yell you and remove you from a bad situation, even though I dont think weve had any problems like that. But I am a friendly- sometimes too friendly drunk, so I will only have a beer or two. Be smart about it. I think friends should have the balls to tell you when you are messing up. Real friends are there for yiu and even if you choose to mess up they will at least tell you. These "friends" of your wife's I feel are the type of people who throw pity-parties and convince themselves cheating is ok because my hubby treats me like this. Cheating, in ANY circumstance is wrong. If they were really unhappy instead if finding a group that accepts cheating, they would ditch husbands that treat them poorly. I think you REALLY need to have a serious discussion with her. This is her chance to start over and shes setting her self up for failure with people she surrounds herself with. I usually would never pull the its me or your friends stunt, but just tell her you feel like these friends arent a good example- for lack if a better word in my part. Now she may heed your warning but if she doesnt and these problems arise once again; I would seriously reevaluate your marriage. Because honestly this isnt right. I wish you the very best.love on her take her out, be her support, maybe try to make friends as a couple. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): I honestly don'[t think it's a question of her friends ahving different values. They don't, that's hwere I think the problem lies. They think cheating is acceptable and so does she, she thinks being with them while they cheat is necessary for her happiness.
That's a recipe for disaster in my mind.
I have friends who cheat, I hang out with them all the time. But my values are completely different to theirs so my fiancée knows I would never cheat.
The OP does not have that with his wife, she thinks cheating is okay and acceptable in certain circumstances, the same as these other ladies, so who's to say she won't feel the circumstances are right one evening?
it would take one simple argument and she may feel justified in cheating.
Personally I couldn't accept that hanging over my head. I just wouldn't work with a woman who thinks cheating is acceptable in any circumstance but the OP agrees with his wife that it can be acceptable too, so he's a different man than me.
Still though, even if he is okay with cheating. Sending a wife off who likes the idea of cheating if he messes up, out to be friends who regularly do cheat, to get drunk, to get chatted up by guys one of whom may be far hotter than him, far more wealthy, a smoother talker, or just in that moment push all the right buttons and then boom, what's he left with?
But he's screwed because he can't stop her either, the more of an issue he makes of this the more likely she is to cheat because she'll feel he's being a bad husband and guess what her friends will advise her to do should she ever ask? That's right most likely to cheat. If cheating is ever justified as a solution to anything you better hope to hell that problem never arises, not even for an instant.
I couldn't live like that, it would make me very insecure.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2013):
 Deep sigh... mixed feelings here.
If she opts to go out with her friends and to do things that might put her in a bad situation that may deteriorate due to drunken peer pressure, I'd be concerned.
I would not want my husband hanging out in bars with guys who think it's ok for him to cheat on me. I would not mind him going to say the ball game with them on a Saturday afternoon or something.
I have friends who live very differently from me, and yet we are still friends in those areas of our lives that overlap.
I don't like clubbing and never did so I never clubbed after getting married. But offer me a long weekend away at a spa for pampering and I'm good to go... and no chance my single friends would be looking to pick up guys at the spa.
For example, my husband smokes. Our friends do not. So he does not smoke in their houses or even in OUR home when they are there....
So who my friends are has no bearing on my values as long as I'm not doing things with them that compromise my values.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 At first I wanted to say Oh no, they don't reflect what she is and thinks.
I am basically a non drinker - a glass of wine when I am dining out ,that's enough for me. And I have a good friend who is an alcoholic. When I realized the real extent of her drinking and of her problem, I did not think of ditching her, she is a good person, warm and generous , and also intelligent and interesting. She is just- unhappy , I guess, because of various things , and that's her way to cope, and even if of course I'd prefer she'd find other cooping tools, I still like her.
BUT, I also realized that after a few distasteful ( to me ) drunken episodes, I've changed my way to hang out with her. I will see her for lunch, or call her over for tea, or join her in sober shopping trips- but I don't join anything which would imply long hours of bar hopping with HER crowd of friends . I don't like what's very likely going to happen, she knows it and we still see each other in non alcohol laden contexts.
So, I guess it is yes, there can be individual exceptions, but if ALL her social circle is composed by eager potential cheaters and recreational manpullers, it must somehow be a reflection of her tastes and inclinations. Otherwise she would simply get BORED, not necessarily repulsed, but bored and uncomfortable in the company of desperate housewives with a roving eye.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I don't think her friends will influence her opinions or judgements. I'm assuming she has her own mind. I have a whole range of friends, some who do things that I don't morally agree with but that doesn't mean I would ever follow their lead.
Trust her to do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): She sounds like she's open with you, you know about her friends,I bet they don't go out looking for men all the time.Their husbands would find out if ALL these women are cheating,out hunting in a pack.Sounds far fetched.You still dont trust her because of the earlier incident alarm bells are ringing.Thats the root of it.She changed jobs things between you improved,she tried. HER morals are in question not the other womens, she condones cheating,end of which is bad news.You trust her and stay together or split up and leave her to it,your values do not match do they? Can you live in doubt indefinately?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): "My wife excused her friends' behaviour because they're unhappy in their marriages."
Then you better hope you never have a single "rough patch" or even heated argument when she goes out with her friends OP. You better be sure you're the perfect husband always, or for one night while drunk and out with them, maybe just for 5 minutes she'll be able to justify it on you being a bad husband.
Op it's not the friends but the attitude you have to worry about.
I have cheater friends, I don't pat them on the back or justify it with them, they know I think it's wrong and I wouldn't enjoy watching my friends do that kind of stuff but I don't judge them for it, they're my friends and I love them.
Look basically I'd be worried as hell, because she's admitted there are conditions where she will cheat on you. You know she likes to hang out with women who will have problem egging her into cheating and worst of all OP she says that going out and getting chatted up by other guys and flirted with is necessary to her happiness.
The first one would be a deal breaker for me as is, but add the other two and I'd feel no security in a relationship with her and what's worse is you'd accept the blame for her cheating because agree it's acceptable.
But look I can't judge you but I'll repeat don't ever slip up, not even once, don't ever send her out angry or frustrated OP. Her idea of fun is to put herself right in the middle of opportunities to cheat, maybe she gets a kick at having that kind of risk, how far she'll take it etc. I don't know. But you're going to want to be the greatest husband that has ever lived and even then hope she isn't just pissed at you for no reason when she goes off dancing, flirting and drunkenly joining her cheater friend while they pull. Because there's nothing you can really do to stop her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): But why did you not take corrective measures from your wife after the almost incident back how many years ago? Why would you be shocked for this behaviour to re appear or pondering? Why would a women who is married hang around a bunch of women who are un happy in their marriage and who don't want to take corrective measures to help a problem or situation in their own marriages? Does this make any sense? Is she herself unhappy with you and your marriage? How do you feel about all of it yourself? Are you prepared to fight for your marriage and try to help correct problems you might be having or just turning a blind eye to it all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): They are her friends because they have similar interests, relate, share feelings, similar things in common, etc. I can tell you from my experience (granted, every person is different), if her "group" of friends all do this she does too. Think about the odds of this girl not being a cheater, if her entire social circle all think that "in certain instances it's okay". That sounds like a cheater's excuse to justify their infidelity.If she weren't a cheater herself, I doubt she would befriend ALL of these people because people that actually don't cheat usually don't have an entire group of friends that are all cheaters "in certain situations"... Sure, we all have that one friend we know that regularly messes up, and we turn a blind eye or keep our mouth shut. But, her ENTIRE social circle saying these things is a bit of a red flag to me. Granted if these are new friends, and her place of work is very small, she just might not have a large pool to choose from for friends. If it is some huge company with hundreds or thousands of people in one building, again, they are friends because they have things in common...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Hi
How much do *your* friends reflect who you are and your values?
Trust her, she's an adult not a wayward teen. Thats all you can do.If she wanted to cheat she would,regardless of who her friends are.She enjoys her nights out with them.
I hope you still take her out too
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Can I put it to you in a different way? Let’s say your wife was in a sorority in college and this group of women believed that having sex with as many men as possible was their right and was nothing wrong with it. Do you believe that she would not partake? Or do you believe that she would lie to you so you could hear what you want? If every women was into it?What makes you think your wife wouldn't partake. Do you really thing she would last in the sorority if she didn't partake in the spoils? Now move ahead till today. She already has had thoughts about cheating. She seems to have one foot dangling in a man’s room all the time. Why would a sincere woman in a committed monogamous relationship even allow attention of another man? Why did you as her husband not try to do something about it? My friend something here doesn't add up. I believe either you or your wife really are hazy as to the definition of what your marriage is. If you want a committed monogamous relationship you have to tell her that. It takes two to make a successful marriage... You as a husband have to do something about a man badgering your wife when he knows you are married.
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