A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now. When we first started seeing each other I asked him if he was just in it for sex as I don't want a relationship like that, and he told me no. I have also been honest with him and told him that I have had some bad experiences in the past and I am scared of being played again.He treats me like his girlfriend. We go out on dates, he holds my hand and kisses me in public etc. Also, he met a friend who was visiting a few weeks back and acted the same with me then, holding my hand across the table and kissing me goodbye. My friend said it seems like we are a couple. However, he told me the other day that he doesn't want a serious relationship, although he likes me. So now I don't know where I stand and what he wants with me. He has started to get annoyed saying that I ask him questions as if we are a couple and he is getting overwhelmed by it all, which isn't my intention. But I'm not sure if I can be with someone not knowing where I stand with them. What should I do? should I walk away before I get hurt, or try and talk through it?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 When a guy says I DON'T WANT anything serious, he is being honest, but he is also "giving" himself an out, JUST in case you TRY and get too serious for his taste. Like Auntie Ciar said, it's become such a CLICHE for some men to use.
Basically, what he wants is the "girlfriend experience" without the commitment and without having to give too much effort to the matter. Like Auntie Intrigued said.
He has already made it clear that it's NOT up for debate you can either suck it up or leave.
And YOU think walking around on eggshells and REMINDING him of your past bad experiences will make him change his mind. IT WILL NOT.
The facts stand, the guy INS'T as into you as YOU are into him. He doesn't WANT a relationship with YOU. Doesn't mean there is ANYthing wrong with you. You two are not a good match is all.
HOWEVER, he doesn't mind stringing you along. Maybe til he find someone HE find more suitable. CUT him lose.
If a guy doesn't want something serious and YOU do, drop them the minute they state one the "typical cliche cop out"
(examples)
I'm not looking for anything serious
I'm not ready to date
I'm not over my last break up
Because it's the guy version of "let just be friends" but let's add sex, that would be great....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Yeah it's just about the sex.
OP I believe he was telling the truth at the start and his intention wasn't to use you for sex. It's just that through the course of dating you he's realised he doesn't want anything serious with you and it's only ever going to be about the sex now.
OP there's nothing to talk through, he's just not that into you. This is not something that can be fixed.
OP he likes you, but nothing serious and he gets annoyed by you bringing it up too. If you have feelings for this guy you should probably walk, he has been honest with you, OP, he could just as easily have lied to keep you sleeping with him. He's given you a choice, make the smart decision.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Walk away now. It's like he's using you for the "girlfriend" experience, but at the end of the day, he's walking away with no commitment. He thinks that by telling you he does not want a relationship, he's giving you fair warning, if he wants to see someone else. He has been sweet to you, making you feel secure, because he wants to make you fall in love with him, so that you won't have the emotional strength to leave him. Meanwhile, since there is no commitment, he is free to pursue other women, if he wishes. Don't give him that power. You are worth more than that. Show him who has the power by leaving him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Walk away before you get hurt.
You've been seeing him for two months now. He knows you better today than he did then. So after all that time together, all the laughs, the great conversations, the kisses and cuddles and other things, he now decides he doesn't want anything official with you. That pretty much says it all.
That's where you stand with him.
When a man acts like a boyfriend and expects you to treat him the way a girlfriend would then tells you he doesn't want a serious relationship, what he means is he wants to continue enjoying the perks but doesn't want to owe you anything. When he's had enough and/or someone new strikes his fancy don't give him any grief because he did warn you ahead of time.
We hear this 'not ready for a serious relationship' tale so often it's become a cliche.
OP, the way to become more secure and confident when dating and to avoid this snare is to be more formal (and a bit old fashioned). Dates should last no longer than 4 hours if there is an activity and a meal, for example the museum then lunch or something. Otherwise they should be no longer than a couple of hours, always in a public place and you both retire to your own homes afterward. And no phoning and texting each other all night. Absolutely NO meeting up at or going to his house, a friend's or inviting him back to yours until you've known him several months at least and like what you see. It goes without saying that sex and other sexual acts are completely off the table. You don't have to reject unwanted advances if you keep your meetings public.
Dates can also be during the day. In fact it would be beneficial if some were. If he only sees you at night in a romantic setting then sex will always be hanging in the air.
Let the date end on a high note and always leave them wanting more. If you haven't invested too heavily too soon then you won't be as worried about being used.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): I'm not sure you should ask them if they are just in it for the sex; it's probably easy for a lot of people to say no, even if they are. You have to judge it for yourself by their actions.Did you have a sexual relationship with him because he said he wasn't just after sex? If yes, it proves that saying they're not only after sex doesn't necessarily mean they're not only after sex and you should wait until you are in the kind of relationship you want before making that step. If you didn't/don't have a sexual relationship with him, that was sensible and you've probably saved yourself quite a bit of anger and heartache.Stop asking him where you stand because you know what you need to know: you want a serious relationship, he does not. That means you're not compatible and you should stop whatever it is that the two of you are doing so that you can both find people who want the same.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2014):
 It's time to end the sexual relationship with him. He doesn't want a serious relationship, you want to a boyfriend who acts fully like a boyfriend.
I would walk away now. Trying to talk through it won't change his position, nor will it change yours.
If you remain in this fuzzy unofficial couple thing you have, you may be missing out on another great guy who does want a girlfriend and is ready to have one now.
Bottom line for me: when a guy says he doesn't want a serious relationship, it means he doesn't want a serious relationship with *you*. Don't take it to heart, it doesn't mean you are undateable, it just means that this guy is not the guy for you.
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