A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:One thing I am wondering about a lot lately is how much long-time partners (either girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband) really know each other. I must confess I am surprised at how superficial some long-term relationships seem to be to me. I mean, most of us end up going to work spending more time with our colleagues than our lovers, and then when we get home, we are distracted by various forms of media. When is there time to get to know each other?Adding to that is the fact that many of us keep strict boundaries around ourselves. Even the oft-repeated saying I see on this board, "The past is the past, and it is no one's business but my own," speaks to our desires to maintain independence and autonomy at the expense of sharing our lives with our partners. Personally, I think such isolation of our inner lives (what we feel, dream about, really concern us) breeds the cancer of loneliness in our souls, and leads many to seek extra-marital affairs. I ask, then: how much do you feel you know your lover?Is your relationship mainly functional (i.e., you financially support each other, sexually satisfy each other, emotionally encourage each other)..but you do not really feel you are touch with each others' souls?Thanks for your thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): I would say that knowin your partner well won't give you the assurance that he won't go astray.There is something about seeing someones "soul" that makes them like the person as if they were lovers in the past lives and happen to meet again in the present life and i do believe on this. Let's face the reality that once you are married you tend to take one for granted which is not advisable. I do believe that open communication is very important and that we have to be a friend also to our partners.It is important to "touch" their lives while we were with them so that he can always be reminded even if you are far from one another.
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (23 April 2011):
Nice question and one that I would like to write heaps about - my partner and I dont spend a lot of time together due to her children and her desire to make sure that they are happy after she split from her husband and stuff - but when we do we usually dont watch tv or anything we just lie on the couch in each others arms and talk about things going on, each others feelings and the state of our relationship - they are the best conversations and are so intemate they bring us together and then we go and have sex as well but for me thats about sharing each others bodies and allowing our whole bodies to touch each other instead of just lips and fingers when we are on the couch. I can talk to her about anything, our feelings, jealous moments, her ex my ex what ever we feel like I dont know what she wants to complete her soul and sometimes we talk about her needs and my needs and these messages seem to always get scrambled up, but we still talk about them all the time becuase we want more than anything to make the other person happy and meet their needs as much as possible - that's what long term relationships are - the constand meeting of ever changing needs and changing your approach to meet them fully and also to recognise you need to change.I love my girlfriend - she's the most amazing woman in the world....sorry for getting all gooey cant help it with this question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): I have boundaries; barriers that will never be broken (sadly) by anyone, ever again.There was a period of time when I thought I had it all-finally. I thought I knew him and I was not the least bit suspicious of anything. I felt free and I felt loved. It was amazing. Then I found out it was not that way. I found out that he was a sneaky liar, like the others. I have forgiven him, but the trust I felt for that short time will never be there again.I suppose it's the scars of past hurts and the feeling of "never really knowing" the other person until you get slapped in the face with the reality of what someone, who claims to love you with all their heart, can/will do behind your back.I believe that a person can be in a committed long term relationship and believe everything is as it should be and it turn out to be all a lie.So, I guess my answer to your question is: I don't think I know my partner well enough to say he will never hurt me again. BUT, I will add: He is wonderful and I love him, so I will take a chance on a broken heart---without ever truly letting my guard down again.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 I just watched pleasantville (it's a classic movie about ten years ago but now on TV a lot) with my boyfriend last night. I fell asleep in his arms. Is there life beyond pleasantville? There are differences between men and women. Men want more sex and women want more intimacy. Just generalization. Women need intimacy in order to get aroused and men are tired at night and just want a release. Both men and women feel rejected and shut down. It's more important to have a pleasant night than to argue about unmet needs. Women feel all men want is sex and men feel women never need them any more. On the other hand, we need our spaces. There is a great quote from Khalil Gibran. It goes something like this: lovers are like soulmates, our lives intertwines we don't really become one because we are born alone and die alone. You can't really know your partner too well. That's the mystery that keeps the relationship interesting. Kind of confusing. You know your partner throughout years of living together but day to day you are still separate individuals. Am we in touch with each other's souls? That's a hard question like how do you get in touch with a soul? What exactly do you ask and what words do you say? We did not grow up with models to teach us that. I remember saying to my boyfriend I yearned for that closeness when we are just together doing nothing expecting nothing at all. Well last night I got that because he was too tired to have sex so we fell asleep together.
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