A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone give me some advice from a non bias view point. I wanted to ask because my partner or ex now tells me im taking things the wrong way and he's so convincing about it i dont know if i am or not. We are long distance at the moment and have a 1 year old little girl. He comes up every two or so months. The other day i discovered he had been taking dance jive lessons without telling me. He told me he was going round to his brothers and his brother and partner were teaching him in their living room. When i confronted him he denied over and over he was not going lessons for a full day before admitting he'd actually been taking them for 4 months. He said he didnt think it was a manly thing to admit to. But he has never mentioned going or the woman who he goes with/meets there that he claims is just a friend now.Felt pretty gutted about this obviously as he lied to me so many times before admitting it.Then found some messages from his Ex. He had told me that she had added him as a freind on facebook and asked how he was and he had said fine and that was the end of the conversation. I was ok about this as (at the time) i actually trusted him and he was sincere about it. I found the messages from her and discovered that in fact he had arranged to meet her for drinks and used lines like "are you going to make up for dumping me? ;) " called her sexy and a yummy bitch. Was totally devastated :(I confronted him about this and he said she had never phoned him in the end and he didnt meet her and he keeps assuring me that he had no intention of sleeping with her or anything.he says he has slept with no one but me and that im taking the messages the wrong way. I did contact the woman who was appalled and angry that he had lied so much and assured me that she didnt call him after he asked her to and had no intention ever again being with him. she said she had messaged him and deleted him off FB and has deleted him.Am i looking into this too much?? He accuses me constantly of chatting with lots of men or "keep my options open" or doing things behind his back just because a male freind has liked or comment on my status. I dont speak to any men aside from the odd comment on facebook and am certainly not looking for anyone cause i loved my partner and would have married him in a heart beat because i wanted to have a commitment that was for lfe, not because i wanted to be elsewhere or with anyone else.Feel like he's trying to make out im the bad one and make out im the one doing all the dirty but he hasnt shown an inch of remorse about all the lies that he's told me,lying to my face over and over again! its like he cant actually see that he's done anything wrong which makes me wonder if it is me?dont know what to do now about it. I dont know how many woman he's been talking to, he calls several of them baby and seems a bit overly personal but no referances to sex or anything. He's my little girls dad and i love him very much but im not sure if this is too much? I feel stupid and angry because despite this i actually dont want to lose him if its just me over reacting? Any suggestions?
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facebook, his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (24 August 2011):
 Anon,Dont let him grind you down, you deserve better. Good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, sorry ironman, not sure i understand. Are you saying i should turn a blind eye to the lying and hope he still loves me over these other people? Dont think im willing to share to be honest.
MRG, think your right :( i cant see why he would lie about all this if it was all innocent but still have the nerve to project all his guilt onto me. He still saying its me thats been the bad one and hes done nothing wrong :S
No i dont think its ok behaviour from him, i cant accept it and will not be able to trust things he says now, its hard to value yourself when youve clearly not been enough in the eyes of your partner.
Thanks everyone x
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (22 August 2011):
firstly - youre not over reacting to these actions by your partner and they have made you feel sad and thats not good - the fact that he's gotten defensive and started to fight back is not good.
you said you loved him and would have married him in a heartbeat? have your feelings toward him changed? Anyway in some ways I do think your over analysing all this stuff and getting worked up about it too much - nothing is surer to drive him away than accusing him of stuff and constantly harping on about it. Concentrate on the things you can do yourself that show how much you love him - then its his decision as to what he does - if he doesnt love you anymore then the relationship has run its course.
Love is giving without expectation of receiving - I know its hard but by being loving towards him is the only way this is going to turn around.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (22 August 2011):
Hmmm well I have to say lieing about the classes is rather random because there is no immediate reason to do it that I can see, unless he is a compulsive liar, which is possible given the other stuff. I am at a loss as to how else you can take those messages other than the way you took them. Maybe he did sleep with her, maybe he didn't but that level of flirting clearly indicates he would like too I would say and probably the only thing that stopped him was being found out.
The way he try and makes you bad is a form of control and it makes him look more guilty in my eyes. He is obviously, to my mind, projecting the guilt he feels for the things he does onto you and that is another unacceptable thing about this relationship. I believe you love him but this relationship is neither positive, nor healthy for you, or indeed ultimately your little girl.
I think you have already taken way more than you should on the chin, I think you need to end this relationship here and now because things will only get worse, it is not going to be easy but its the only solution that is right for the long-term. Good luck and take care :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): this is not a good way to start....I would value yourself and move on from this man....or decide to stay just know that you have accepted this as OK behaviour from him.
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