A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have written for advice in the past and still need it. I dated a great guy and we broke up afte six months of dating. He only was divorced one year. I have been single for ten. He went through a lot of bad stuff with his divorce. He never told me he loved me, but told me that I mean the world to him. He also would mention things like combining families. I also met both of his parents a few months after we started dating. He told me that they knew about me because he had told them all about me. I was the first to make a move and ask him out for coffee. Things went well, but slowly. It took him a few weeks to kiss me, but things progressed. We got along really well and never fought. Had a few hiccups, but nothing major. We even hung out with our kids. Our kids didn't know we were dating. This was because he was ahead of a theater group that my son belonged to and he didn't want to show favoritism. The major reason we broke up is that he had problems with ED. We both didn't react very well. I wanted to break up right away because of it, but he wanted to give us another try. I did and tried so hard to boost his ego. I also mentioned to him that his problem could be medically related (he is morbidly obese). He just withdrew and stopped communicating. A month later he broke up with me telling me that his problem was due to lack of chemistry. This past summer he tried to make me jealous by either bringing other women to events or talking to them. I went on to do some online dating and after two months found that I still missed him. I had lunch with him twice in one week (his idea). I told him how I felt. He told me he wanted to be friends, but kept hugging me. Since then he arranged it so that I was the only one to show up for apple picking. I had a weeks notice, but everyone else had less than two hours. I didn't even realize until I mentioned it to someone and they thought we were back together. I took him out to lunch to celebrate his birthday. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and hug. He gave me another hug and called me by my old pet name. Our break up was horrible at first, I really missed having someone in my life to talk to and share my life with. He made me feel special, which hasn't happened in a long time. Before this, I didn't even want to date, but now realize what I have been missing. I don't want to settle for anyone. I want a healthy and happy relationship. I don't feel as if I am desperate when I date. In fact when I meet I new man for coffee, I keep things light and not too heavy. I will give them a hug maybe, but not a kiss. I don't mention marriage or getting serious. I don't even think of introducing him to my kids, until at least 6-9 months or more. I worked with a woman that is very needy. She meets a guy and is all over him and usually sleeps with them within the first week. She even went camping with one after only knowing him a week. She even ends up introducing him to the family within the first week or so. She has to see them every day or at the very least is texting them constantly, even during work. She also usually is involved with more than one man. To me she is very needy and her relationships usually last about six months, usually after they realize the sex isn't worth it. I have met about seven men online. I had more than one date with two of them. One of them I dated for a few weeks. The problem is that they like me, but I don't like them well enough to see a future. One of them I even gave another chance, but it didn't work out because he reminded me of my mentor/father figure. I don't want to be like the woman I know, but how many frogs do I have to date in order to find the one. I feel as if I am over the man I broke up. We still see each other a lot (due to my son's hobby). We have lunch occasionally and hang out once in while. I need adavice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): Hello ladies, I want to thank you for all of the adivice. To answer one of your questions. I had never been attracted to men, who are obese, but if you met him he would make a very nice impression. He is funny, smart and can be very charming. I heard from someone, who has known him for a long time, that he has no problem attracting women. In fact most of the women he dates are very attractive. I think the hard part was that we really clicked right off the bat and it ended so suddenly. I know I have to move on, but it is hard. I know that he played some games, but a lot of it is due to his feelings about his body image. He confessed that to me. I also think he doesn't know what he wants, but I don't plan on waiting around for him to make up his mind. This has been the first experience dating since my divorce ten years ago. Before then, I had a huge wall and did not let any man in. I had a bad attitude not only about men but, marriage in general. That changed when my father got sick and later passed away a year ago. I had a few men friends, that I had through school. I could tell that they were interested, but they weren't my type. In fact I had two professors that were interested in me. I really opened up to him and got hurt. I am just about to give up because I don't think I can fall in love and get dumped yet another time. I have also heard when you stop looking is the time when you find someone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): That was a beatifull answer, Lola1.
I agree w everything you said, but dear poster, off the subject, how do you stay sexually attracted to morbidly obesse men? I can't imagine looking at someone like that without any clothes off.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (19 November 2009):
 This is going to be a long response, and for this, I apologize. However, I am taking your concerns seriously and I want to help. I also want to point out that I do not generally share personal experiences on public boards and am making an exception for you. ;-)
Yesterday, I posted an answer with regards to a topic that sounds very similar to yours.......
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-desperate-to-meet-someone--why.html
As I said there, “you can try to hide it all you want, but the truth is we all smell it from those who feel that way. You have to stop trying so hard and wanting it so bad.”
Let me change some of the words because “desperate” has such a negative connotation and if I were the OP here, I might dismiss my own advice as a result of denying I am “desperate”.
It doesn’t matter how light you keep things. I’ve been on dates with men who’ve been very eager to be in a relationship. There is nothing about what they say or how they act that I could point to you and say, “When they said this or did that, I KNEW he was desperate!” It was all in the gut. Think of it as pheromones or something.
You want it badly enough to type one (if not two or more) posts on DearCupid about this topic in at least two days, so you want it badly enough for others to sense it.
Think about it. You are a sexy woman with friends and hobbies. You’re exciting, well-spoken and funny. What’s NOT to like? What else could it be?
I can also add this. A number of years ago, I was there in your shoes. I was frustrated that all my friends seemed to be happy and with someone and I wasn’t. I, too, am a sexy and well-spoken woman. I have great ideas, exciting hobbies, lots to talk about, am fun to hang out with and am very good in bed. I have an open mind and am willing and happy to try new things.
And yet all the men I dated were all “frogs” aka not right for me… where was my “Prince Charming”? Why doesn’t anyone want to date me long-term?
My mother said to me what I said to the woman yesterday…. “If God came to you and said you’ll be with someone in ten years, how would you live your life today?”
At first I just got more frustrated! TEN YEARS?! I’ll be too old to enjoy it! But maybe it’s one year, or six months… I said to myself… maybe it’s not that long at all, its just not TODAY.
The man you are looking for is an exciting and wonderful man. He, too, will be sexy and kind and thoughtful, just as you are. Someone like you is not a common find, so the man who is right for you will ALSO be a rare gem. He’s out there, but hard to see for all the “average rocks” he’s surrounded by. But he’ll be worth the wait.
I still dated, but chose to see those dates as a night out, not looking for my future partner. This takes time and practice. First you have to admit that you may be feeling anxious and lonely and maybe even a little desperate – not that YOU are desperate – you just FEEL it a little sometimes. Then you have to admit that your life is already great and that if you never met anyone, it would remain great, even if that isn’t ideal.
When you meet someone who wants more than casual dating, you’ll pause and say to yourself, “Is he worth giving up my freedom (singlehood) for?”
When you get to THAT stage, you will know that you are not sending any signals inadvertently, that you don’t want to be.
One day, when I had reached that point in my thinking, I met a man via an online dating tool who had similar interests and life philosophies. We could both laugh at the same style of humour, but I didn’t think he’d be for me. He wanted to meet and I was hesitant, but thought… “What the heck? It will be a night out,” and agreed. Traffic and problems parking made me late for the date, but he was patient. We dated a few times, but I still didn’t think it would go anywhere. He was a gentleman and fun to hang out with, though, so we continued.
My daughter contracted the chicken pox virus, and then I did. As an adult that virus is a nightmare. We’d only dated maybe three times, but he kept checking on me via phone and gave me time and space to heal… when we dated again after I felt a lot better, something clicked. I’ve been with him for four years and I am more happy with him today than I ever was… I am still not ready to move in with him. I don’t want to uproot my daughter from her school or deal with increased traffic on my daily commute, or share the television remote or account for when I will be home… not yet… maybe someday soon. What’s the rush? Who’s counting days?
With regards to the man you’ve been dating who wants to be friends, but send confusing signals:
He may not know exactly what he wants at this point. What he does know is that he wants you to want him. He enjoys that. Sadly, morbidly obese men do not get attention from women of your calibre often. Your admiration feels good.
Does he hold a torch for you, too? Possibly. He sounds too immature to be right for you, though.
Its in your best interests to create a bit more distance between you and him. Turn the tables and have him want you and miss you for a change. Just because he suggests you have lunch twice in a week, doesn’t mean you should. You’re a busy woman… you have other friends, and ones who don’t play games to get you to be the only one who shows up for apple-picking…
What silliness IS that, anyway?
You deserve a big grown-up man who knows what he wants and is direct and honest in his approach. When he comes along, you won’t have to guess at what he’s up to, thinking or feeling.
And WHEN you meet him, you’ll be the person you are supposed to be. You’ll be well-practiced at not wanting to jump into a relationship, you’ll be beyond giving time to men who play games and you will be VERY happy in your own skin, whether you are single or not.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Auntie Marilyn  +, writes (19 November 2009):
There are a lot of frogs out there, and once you get older, you are sometimes working with poor material. It's not about being needy or desperate, it's modern times! When you are in a bad relationship, being alone and having control over your own life looks like bliss - my advice is to value yourself, get comfortable with being single and if someone really deserving comes along, maybe you'll think about it. Until then, life's too short.
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