A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok it's super unlike me to wait on sex but I'm coming to realize that pretty much if you want someone to respect you, you have to give it some time. So... how long do I give it and more importantly how the hell do I politely turn it down??? Guys are pretty much used to girls just givin it up so I feel I would find myself in an awkward position directly after turning it down, etc. Please advise me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Respect is like happiness, no one can take it away from you and no one can give it to you. You are the sole responsible to your own respectfulness as you are to your happiness. Waiting on sex will never make a guy respect you. People respect you because you respect yourself and you respect them back…this have nothing to do with sex. The immature female wisdom that waiting on sex will make a guy respect you is pure sexual manipulation…..by holding out something to get something in return.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Ok, this is definately something I know about, putting off sex. I wouldn't say guys are used to girls giving it up, some particular guys are maybe but they're the kind of guys who won't respect you. To politely turn them down, its quite easy, just gently push away their hand or whatever if they try to take it further and say 'lets do this instead'... making out or foreplay. If they ask why you won't have sex just say 'I want to wait a while'. If they try and make you or don't respect your choice to wait a while, you definately need to look elsewhere because there are guys out there who will respect you and will want to wait for a while rather than doing it the first chane you get. I respect you for your decision to try and wait before having sex from now on, from experience I can tell you its definately worth it if you're with the right guy. You've had time to build an emotional relationship so when you begin your physical relationship it just means so much more to both of you. Where time is concerned I would say you should wait about a month or two, but each relationship is different. I waited about 3 months with my boyfriend. That was in March and we are still together. The idea of waiting isn't just to torture yourself, the idea is to wait until you have a really caring relationship, where you are both very close already and what to take it up a level. So it could be anytime really, you'll know when you really care about the guy, beyond physical attraction. Good luck hunni, I hope you find a guy who respects you and really cares for you xxx
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 I don't think guys are necessarily used to all girls 'givin it up'. They are used to some girls 'givin it up' and some not. Depending on their mood, they're either looking for one type or the other.
Now I'm going to generalise, so please don't shoot me down for it...
Men put women into two categories: the ones they'll have sex with, and the ones they'll have a relationship with. Almost all women fall into the first category whilst few fall into the second. This is why women who say 'I can get any man' are generally misguided: almost any woman can 'get' any man by appearing sexually available without commitment required. The challenge isn't getting any man, it's keeping him for any length of time afterwards.
The problem is that by sleeping with a guy straight away, you can easily get put into the first group (sex only) when, if you'd have given it some time, you'd may well have ended up in the second (relationship material). Consciously or subconsciously, men like the girls they have relationships with to be 'special' and not so readily available. The thinking goes: if she'll sleep with me right away, then she's 'easy' and will sleep with most guys straight away. Ie, 'not a keeper'.
I know this is not how women see it at all, and is both unfair and judgemental. But, most men do it to some degree. You may as well know how our minds work, even if they work badly.
So if you just want sex, then by all means go ahead. That's easy any you'll find no shortage of men out there willing to oblige.
But if you want a relationship, then waiting it out is definitely the way to go. People say 3 dates, but I'd say longer to be honest. Get to know the guy, flirt a lot, and find ways to become intimate first. Become comfortable with each other, and able to be open. Then when you have sex it will be really special.
It also means that you'll weed out the guys who are only after sex (ie who have you in the first category only), as they'll realize you're not 'easy' and move on to other targets. Most of them anyway, some will have lots of girls on the go at once, and be playing the waiting game with them all. They are harder to spot.
One other thing, unfortunately for many men this judgement can be retroactive. So even if you wait before having sex with a guy, if he knows, or he later finds out you've had one night stands or would previously jump into bed on the first date, you move from the second category to the first. So don't expect waiting to work if the guy knows your history via friends or reputation or whatever (ie: that it's 'super unlike you' to wait for sex). Waiting only works well if he thinks that's normal behaviour for you. Otherwise he'll just think you don't fancy him and lose interest right away.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (8 September 2008):
 If a guy doesn't respect you after sex on a first date, he will be unlikely to ever respect you.
The reason to wait is NOT to build up his respect BUT to find out his real intentions.
Hopeful, after spending sometime with him you will know wether he is just after sex OR really intrested in you, the person, not just the body.
But if he is just after sex and wants it badly enough he may easily got a dozen dates, and still dump you then after you "give it up".
Respect should be something he shows to everyone, that is the easiest sign. Not how he treats you, but others, because he got reasons to pretend to be nice to you, but few assholes can be bothered to be nice to people like waiters.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (8 September 2008):
 For clarification...
I wasn't calling you a slut - just the women I have encountered.
Men can be sluts too. However, society doesn't frown upon men being promiscuous as they do women. Quite unfortunate because we're teaching our young men to conquer as many women as possible to prove their masculinity. Probably why we have so many deadbeat dads. It's sad.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (8 September 2008):
As a guy, I just want to touch on one point you made in your question...
"...Guys are pretty much used to girls just givin it up so I feel I would find myself in an awkward position directly after turning it down, etc"
This is to the contrary (at least for me). Guys aren't used to girls giving it up, but they are used to being a "guy" and if a girl is going to give it to them, why not take the it! All young men aren't after the panties of every woman he meets, but it's not too uncommon for a young man to what sex from a young woman. As a result, some young men will seek the company of women with the sole purpose of sex. These young men can be weeded out by playing the wait game. Young men who are only after sex will disappear after a while because you are no longer worth their time.
However, other young men seek the company of young women simply for company - with sex being a secondary part of the relationship. That means, they will enjoy being with the young woman even if she DOES NOT have sex with them.
I for one have turned a few women who made advances towards ME for sex. These women only knew me from a few hours to a few days. Because I value myself more than that, I decided to turn them down in hopes of finding better company than just some (let's be honest) slut who's gonna give it to just ANYBODY!
YOU decide when sex happens for you! If that doesn't happen for a really long time, then that's your decision. A man who has met you and has fallen in love with you will WAIT for you. Don't ever feel pressured to have sex. If you have sex, it's because you wanted to, not because you HAD to.
Hope this helps.
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