A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a co-worker and we have had an affair for about two years. He left his wife of 13 years and two young kids and moved out about one year ago. In April, I asked my husband of 17 years and two teenage kids for a dissolution. We are now completely, legally not married, as of October. My "lover", "boyfriend" has still not filed or made a move to divorce or dissolution. There seems to always be a hurdle...money, jobs, etc. I am a career woman and have many assets. I own two homes, etc...His wife does not work and is not educated. He tells me he wants to "take care" of his kids and give her enough money monthly to allow her to keep her lifestyle. I admit, that used to bother me a little, but I love him and have actually sided with him and think he needs to take care of his kids. He has always been crazy about me, actually initiated the affair and tells me he loves me all the time. He tells me I am his soul mate and he wants to marry me. He is very attentive and has bonded with my kids, as I have bonded with his. HOWEVER, he has never spoken to his wife in front of me. He simply will not answer his phone. He still goes to his home (that just went up for sale) and spends time there to visit his kids. SO, I ASK: will he ever leave his wife? Am I a fool? How long should I wait until I simply move on?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 Well, he has made some steps that indicate he's serious about leaving. He moved out. That's about as much of an indication as you should need.
The problem is that you started your relationship on shaky ground and underground. It was all secret and based on things society does not agree with. Your kids will figure out, some day, what happened. Then you will have to answer to them.
You explained all the reasons you were unhappy in your marriage. I can understand what happened. Unfortunately you and your husband were unable to deal with the issues. Based on what you said, it was his choice not to participate in trying to solve the marriage problems. That is not your fault. Cheating was. That is worse than not trying to fix the problems. That creates more problems. I'm not trying to rake you over the coals either. You can't go back.
As for the new guy, time will tell. Nobody here can give you the information you want to hear. Do not expect to call the shots on his relationship with his wife and kids. IT is really none of your business. When you play the part you chose to play, you get the scraps. It's like a car thief complaining that the car they stole didn't have a comfortable seats. That's too bad. IT wasn't yours to take in the first place. This is the price you pay when you try to take what doesn't belong to you.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help. If you want to know where he stands, make him choose. Give him an ultimatum.
Write back if you choose.
A
female
reader, 4Tee +, writes (17 November 2007):
I am the original writer of this article. WOW, eddie, you have alot of words of wisdom and I need to regroup a tad. I agree WHOLEY with you, once a cheater, always a cheater. However, (AND GOD I PRAY) that I will never disrespect my next husband that way. I would like to add some details that I think may change your tune, just a little. OK...I went to counseling several times in my 17 year marriage. My husband would not go. A huge issue in our marriage was the fact that he could not tell me that he loved me and when I pressed the issue he told me he would if I really needed to hear it (it was about 10 years without the I LOVE YOU words. Our sex life was terrible, he was always tired and not interested. I am fit and feel sexy at 42 and loved my husband and the bond that making love created. We have two boys that he never spent time with. I cannot tell you how many vacations I went on with just my boys. He owns his own business and worked long hours. He never came to the boys sporting events and would never join us on family outings. I was alone in my marriage. Yes, I know, not an excuse to cheat...So, enter my soul-mate...married with two children. We were friends for a long time, coworkers. You ask me if he will cheat on me? I have to believe that what we did not find with our first spouses, we have found it in each other. I have always said (my mother told me this) "IF YOU CANNOT TRUST THEM, DON'T HAVE THEM". Again you are correct, I needed to divorce first. My boyfriend did leave his wife about a year ago. He moved out into an apartment. I need to clear up the misconception that I am angry that he wants to support his children. On the contrary. I have pushed him to give her their house so that the kids will not have to change their environement or lifestyle. Kids are definately #1 in this situation. HOWEVER, I am a bit, maybe jealous, that he wants to continue her present and very nice lifestyle. I take that as he is taking care of her. She needs to get a job like the rest of us...Ouch, that was not nice! The issue I am having problems with are that since he has not started procedures, he goes home to visit his kids and stays in the house for several hours. Even though he has moved out, he still has the freedom of popping in whenever he wants, and she lets him! When she calls his cell, he NEVER answers it in front of me. Almost like he is hiding something from me, like his affections?...WOW am I calling the kettle black...I actually feel kind of like he is cheating on me!!!! One more point about the kids. We were very careful to introduce each other into our kids lives. My kids still think that he is my friend, and nothing more. We have not shown affection in front of any of them to date...boy is that hard! So, maybe I am hoping you now have a different opinion of me and some more advise for me? Honestly I agree with all the hard core infidelity ethics you talk about. This is one of those things, like getting cancer, you NEVER think it could happen to you. And it did, and I am glad. So, do you think he will really leave her or did I buy into the "BEST FRIEND/SOUL MATE" lie?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (16 November 2007):
If you were seeking perfection when you cheated it seems you didn't find it with this guy. Sometimes the devil you know is better than the one you don't. It's ironic that you're still not officially with the new guy and there are already issues. Do you think you'll cheat on the new guy? Do you think he's cheating on you? Cheaters tend to cheat. It's tough to build a relationship of trust when you're dealing with people who behave this way. Did you try and work on your marriage or did you just decide to cheat?
As for bonding with the kids, do they know what you two did? Do they understand that? AS for not talking to you in front of his wife, maybe she's.....angry. You say there was a point where you were angry that he had to support his wife and kids. IS that true? What we you thinking?
When you create a mess, as you've both done, expect more mess. It takes a long time for the dust to settle and even then, the future holds surprises. The most important thing is the children and what they've learned from this. It's always so much easier to do things properly, divorce if you're not happy, then find a new partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Why did u cheat? If this man loved u he would leave his wife. Think about it u may b making a big mastake! U r brave! Good luck... X x
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