A
male
age
36-40,
*pawnuzer
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years.. It has been a rocky relationship, but everything has finally smoothed out over the last 5-6 months and had been going great.. Well a little over a week ago she told me that she needed "Space". Her given reasons are this (as I know what "space" historically means in most situations) : She loves me and knows she wants to be with me, there is no doubt about that.. But between our relationship history and both her upbringing, she isn't healthy emotionally and hasn't been for a long time, before she met me even.. She said she wants space so that she can work on herself and be with me in a "Healthy emotional state", because apparently right now she isn't.. She's been going to counseling 2-3 times a week and is going to continue doing so. She also said we are still "together", we aren't breaking up, and she isn't doing this to go out and see other people. This doesn't come as a complete surprise to me really. Given how I know her and her habits.. She does have allot of baggage and doesn't know how to deal with her problems in a healthy or constructive way. Well, after saying she wanted to "take some time to work on herself"... She said that we are definitely still together, and that she wanted to keep in contact through e-mails, Face-book, and apparently phone calls since she has called me a couple times in this last week. Just to keep in contact.. Also, she has come over for about an hour a couple days ago and want's to meet for coffee or lunch again tomorrow.. She's also asked me if I'd like to go to a "going away party" for one of her friends on my next day off. Because of this I am somewhat confused on the "Space" she needs.. But am definitely happy she want's to talk/email/facebook on a regular basis, and now get together and go out. It is a good sign to me. Given this situation, and assuming it is all true what she is telling me through our several talks.. My question is this.. She initially said she needed a "week or two" but later added on that she couldn't make any guarantees.. Just once she'd work her problems out.. I love her to pieces and have every intention of marrying her down the road.. But how long should I wait for her to work her issues out? On one hand I feel like a closet boyfriend... Like she'll talk to me and want to see me on her terms.. I feel like my life is in this state of limbo and it's just before the holidays.. But I can't wait for months and months.. I've done everything I can to help her with her problems, and haven't added to them.. I don't understand why I'M then excluded from her life.P.S. - I am by no means naive or blind. I know very well what "I need space" means in the VAST majority of situations.. But through our talks, e-mails, and now her wanting to get together and see me or hang out.. I honestly believe that she isn't just breaking away from the relationship or trying to see "if the grass is greener on the other side", so to speak. She openly says she loves me, misses me, and is worried that I won't be there when she's ready.. So I do believe her. Though it doesn't make it easy for me at all. And if she is lying to me and going out behind my back or w/e.. Then I'll walk away from the relationship altogether.. I'm not someones backup and deserve better than that. Better to know now then 10 years later when there are children and serious financial obligations between us. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Hi if you want my honest opinion thsi girl actually sounds quite genuine to me. You said she is going to a councellor well most councellors would recommend that if someone needs self help that they should make space in there current relationship and concentrate on themselves and independant rather than being part of a couple, and if your girlfriend is wanting to get better emotionally then she is going to listen to her councellor right? I bet that your girlfriend knows that she needs space to help herself right now but i also bet she is finding it very hard and that is why she is contacting you and wanting to meet up with you, its good that she is getting the help that she needs but she needs to stick to her word on this and if she needs space then she needs to stop contacting you so much.
Im not sure how much time you should give her really, it does sound like you love this girl so why not take every day as it comes and see how she progresses let her contact you and be there fore her is she asks you to be. Goodluck.
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